will try harder and post more often, empty promises, etc.

i guess i have been too busy/distracted to bother blogging. sometimes i lose interest. i would tell you what i have been busy with, but it's not terribly interesting.
sp told me the best joke. it is:

q: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

a: well, the number is pretty obscure, so i'm sure you've never heard of it.

hahahahahha. she also sent me this list of what it means to actually be a hipster.

two of my fave gays sent me this article because they remembered that i am from the same shameful little town of hatred - AND they get to see it first-hand in october. poor dears.

i don't really have the time (today, at work) to watch these, but i hear that my boss is out tomorrow . . . it's the 50 best parody commercials. i have to say, the commercials have always consistently been the best thing about snl, and they are constantly referred to. the other night i had some sea bass and when i took a bite i commented to ag and pos "wow, that's terrific bass!" just like the super bass-o-matic 76 commercial. db and i say "someone's been wearing bad idea jeans" if we are disapproving of certain life choices. i say "colon blow" more often than you would think. taco town, and discussing the taco town meal (served in a commemorative tote bag with salsa) still makes me laugh. happy fun ball is rad. the best-ever is liberty robot insurance, for when the metal ones come, for sure. there's a ton on the list that i have never seen before, so i'm excited.

more creepy russian playgrounds can be viewed here.

ida mae russell sills' obit was written by her son and is touching, but odd (how's this for a zinger?: "Ida's marriage to Karl was a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.")

i really don't want to talk too much about my upcoming wedding because, believe me, if the most interesting thing i have to talk about is that i am getting married, then i am a failure, BUT - i really need for someone to get this lovely decanter for us as a gift.

i really like this site - people submit photos of them as a child, and then one of them now in a similar pose.

i sincerely hope that these blog-related tattoos are fakes. jesus, people. oh, and don't forget this douche, too.

this made me very happy: someone wrote responses to a postsecret sunday collection. it's what most logical people would want to ask the very-nice-people-i'm-sure-just-what-the-fuck-is-WRONG-with-them artists.

okay, that's enough for now, right?

Logan Likes Mary Anne! (February 1988) - Logan and Mary Anne like each other.

i got this link off of jacquoff: apparently, eating butterfish does the same thing to your ass as alli.

funny: cracked did a photoshop-the-worst-cereal-you-can-think-of contest.

cannot. escape. the. judging. it's sidewalk psychiatry!

mad magazine wasn't just for dopey kids - it's awesome that the nyt compiled this interactive fold-over collection that shows just how political and smart mad was.

i have watched this a few times this week already - file this link away as an all-time-best example of the randomness that is the internet. it's an excellent edited collage of dangerous and stupid (and some rather painful) things that have happened to reporters while on the air. grape-squashing lady is included, of course.

public service announcements don't have to be terrifying - they can be funny and charming, like this brit tv spot on watching out for bikers on the road.

pharmacy bar (favorite in world) turned 10 and i wasn't there to celebrate. tears. i'm headed back to town for work soon, so i can bask in its gorgeous glory soon enough.

i have talented friends, part one: ds got a poem published in autumn sky poetry and right hand pointing. ds, shouldn't that be called rooker hand pointing?

haha inside jokes are the best hahahhaa.

i have talented friends, part two: cd and zp have started a food blog, the bitten word, that features recipes and their experiences with them from the many cooking magazines that they subscribe to. i made the roasted asparagus last weekend and it was delish. i am really tempted to make the chocolate stout cake and secret-eat the entire thing by myself, cuz it looks too good to share.

kool: leaving a disposable camera on the sidewalk (tied to a bench with string) and asking strangers to take photos.

more beautiful randomness: a blog dedicated to listing the really bad outfits that claudia kishi wore. you know, claudia. from the babysitters club. her use of feathers and geometric shapes in primary colors was very influential to 1988 elementary school fashionistas.

best cross-promotional marketing campaign ever

i was at the jewel on sunday, buying all the fixins for lasagna, and with the receipt came some automatically-generated coupons.

one was for alli, the fat-blocking drug that advises on its website "You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."

the other was for cottonelle fresh flushable moist wipes. aka baby wipes for adults. aka perfect for wiping up alli's gift of anal leakage.

i guess the computer saw all of the cheese i was buying and decided that i was a good candidate for both products.

new stuff

should try to blog more often, etc.

things i like linking to:

tattoos. here is a collection of knuckle tattoos and here is taking tattooing/body modification to a whole new retardo level (tattoo the whites of your eyes)

classiness. like this airbrushed truck (slightly nsfw, if topless ladies are a no-go)

the things that people do to occupy the little precious time that they have on earth. like collect and post bookmarks online. or take photos of your pre-packaged meal and post a comparison next to its advertised image, like this german project, or make a blue velvet-inspired cake, or carve their food to be cartoonish and kool.

surreally retarded websites. like this one, and this one. i think the same person made them. and then there's the "obama will" website, which i don't really get, nor do i think it's all that funny.

movies re-made for the cyberwebs, just to make us laugh. like jewno, and fight club as told by squirrel puppets.

speaking of squirrels: i fucking love them. i would totally adopt a de-clawed squirrel and let him hop around my living room. while they are dressed in seasonal costumes, of course.

a fun read: radiohead for dummies (part one).

because size six is disgusting: sweet valley high gets re-made for generation spoiledasstanorexicimplantskank.

depressing-as-shit: russian playgrounds.

how really smart people kill themselves: build a robot and make him do it.

it's gorgeous and historical and not just full of politician's hookers: i heart the mayflower hotel. i got to nap there once.

brilliant: pulp's "common people" illustrated through an archie comic.

please note that MY gangland memoir was not a hoax.

i've been busy. other than the usual distractions from blogging (job, nightlife, sleeping) i have also been spazzing about planning a wedding. we set a date (oct 11), got a church (full-on catholic mass), found a venue (a 20-acre garden with a nice reception hall in the town i grew up), hired a string quartet (my requirement was, i shit you not, that they learn to play the verve's "bittersweet symphony" for when my dad walks me down the aisle), and we're meeting with a dj tomorrow. the dj is going to have to be imported up from chicago; this sample party planner is the typical wisconsin dj's idea of how to do his job. do i want him to play the hokey pokey and "wind beneath my wings"? well, thanks for asking first, i guess. all of the father/daughter dance songs are really creepy - "i loved her first"? "daddy's hands"? "butterfly kisses"? vomitocity: 11.

people always be sendin me some links and shit, yo.

from jk: dr steve brule is a wine expert, and a drunk.

from tk: the assimilated negro interviews the brilliant snark behind stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. i am happy that he seems like a thoughtful person, not like some bloggers, who, while funny, seem a bit lacking in the anger-management-skills and sell a lot of ad space: "this site pokes fun at ME. that's why I use pictures of myself. those aren't taken out of irony. this is the shit that I do. I need to call myself out for all of the stupid shit that I take for granted. why do I need $300 bike rims? why is a $10 sandwich considered normal?"

useless: an online quiz to find out what punctuation mark you are. when i first took it i was a , but now i am a ?. how :

i was never a fan of the coreys back in the day - i was a river phoenix fan, because he seemed so much more intelligent and talented. the giant cruel irony is that he's the one that died of a drug overdose, of course. have you seen the pathetic ad that "the haimster" (more like hamster - that dude is a fug rodent midget) took out in variety that is begging for work? he has totally busted meth face, and he couldn't even put down the cigarette for a photo shoot? he looks dressed to rock out to creed circa 1998. in response, tb sent me this video, one of his favorites, which features corey a good 15 years ago, totally slow on downers, where he explains that he has put his partying days behind him and he's in good shape and on the ball. is it common practice in LA for has-beens to produce ads that remind people that they're not dead (yet)? d.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.n.g.

jk sent me this "spot on" (to swipe a goode olde english term from the jolly good chaps - can you tell that i've never actually been to the uk?) celebration of jeff from coupling. what i like about that show is that it was a miserable fucking failure (FOUR episodes aired) on nbc, which used the exact same scripts as the totally awesome and celebrated bbc version of the show. it is the purest proof that americans "don't get" british humour. i really really hope that when little britain usa airs, it's just as funny as the original.

it really has gone too far: thanks to my boyfriend FIANCE pos for the depiction of the last supper featuring star wars characters. happy easter and may the force . . . etc.

it's shit like this that makes me love the internet: garfield minus the cat equals the depiction of one very alone man.

and it's shit like this that makes me love humanity: minnesota smokers found a loophole in the smoking ban where smoking in a performance is allowed. so if you want to light up at the bar, just wear a costume, or speak in an accent, or recite something. i'm pro-smoking ban but LOVE this.

they might be losers, but they're smart: failed presidential candidates discuss what's not being talked about enough.

good news for all of the jermajesty jacksons and pilot inspektors of the world: your name won't fuck you up (too much). your parents, on the other hand . . .

an awesome time-killer: word to your website.

a flashback to my last apartment building: an article on hoarders. delta burke had 27 climate-controlled storage units full of porcelain dolls? horrorshow! and a little hard to believe - i mean, do designing women reruns really pay that well?

strange and enjoyable: food fight video.

fantastic news: the metro, one of the best venues in chicago to see bands, is ditching ticket master. it's about time that monopoly got busted up - i am sick of paying almost $50 to see a band whose list ticket price was $27.50.

i probably would have rather seen the real "internet people" edited together for the song, but this is a strangely nostalgic animated video about all of the fools that we have forwarded to our friends over the past few years. btw, i still don't understand "it's peanut butter jelly time," and i'm still waiting to think it's funny. a clip of a morbidly obese child dancing to it only slightly improves its watchability. thanks for the link, sf - see you in hell.

pos is my han solo.

well, i'm obviously giddily retardedly happy about being engaged to the man i love - thank you for all of your nice comments and wishes for us. i don't want to plan the wedding - i just want to be engaged for a little bit before i have to stress out about chicken entrees and flowers and how i'm going to do my hair and all of the picky little details that some women might relish but what i run away from. all i know is that i want richard ashcroft to play during the ceremony (like, him, not my ipod playing richard ashcroft) and i want a unicorn to whisk us away at the end of the night. our friends can tie beer cans with string to his tail and write "just married" in shaving cream on its back if they want.

when i called people to tell them the news, ecf was like "huh, i thought you were already engaged" (thanks for paying attention, friend) and was like "hahah, i'm looking at the new york times online and there's an article about wearing slutty wedding dresses!" thanks for the link, and thank you oh so much for surfing the cyberweb when i call you to tell you about the thus-far-happiest-moment of my life. TFA!!!!

here is some randomness for ya:

two food photo blogs - this one is a comparative analysis of fast food sandwiches, with photos from the ad and what it looks like in reality. super funny and gross. the other is from ab, a collection of reader-submitted photos and reviews of meals they get on airplanes. so simple and so weirdly fascinating. even uzbekistan airways serves food, which is more than I can say for america’s shitty bankrupt airlines. i wonder if japanese airlines offer pepsi ice cucumber.

those canadians really like their graphic and disturbing PSAs on workplace safety. here’s a new one, compliments of jk. americans don’t get all riled up about workplace safety as our friendly northern neighbors, but we love to freak out about meth – jk sent me the gross PSA here and awesome meth mouth warning here.

here’s a PSA of sorts. i love this so much. and i don't know why.

had i known that the bible was filled with such awesomeness, i might have actually read it during my weekly CCD class. thanks for being a steward of my faith, ab.

you want to know what's funny? dorky kids and their ridiculous science fair exhibits. rad rad rads. thanks for the link, rm.

having a hard time deciding if you really are stupid enough to be a republican or pussy enough to be a democrat? take this quiz.

ralph nader is gonna run again, blah blah blah. dude, you're kinda an asshole. i was in dc a few years ago, walking around on a gorgeous april day, like 78 degrees, and i saw a guy with a sour look on his face and wearing what appeared to be an overcoat purchased in 1978, and sure enough, it was him. i think that maybe he should get a girlfriend or become a big brother or something, and leave the rest of us alone.

is life is saudi arabia seriously this boring?

here's one of the best craigslist for-sale ads that i've seen.

vagina purses! but are they made of vagisoft fabric?

random and entertaining: quakers!

pos sent me this collection of star wars figures that look nothing like the character but more like actual people. speaking of which, cracked had this great list of the 10 biggest wastes of talent and number one is the star wars christmas special, which aired in 1978 and is legendary for how fucking stupid it is. someone cut it down into 5 minutes (embedded on the cracked page) and i think it's worth a watch, just to cringe at bea arthur singing along with the cantina band and to see chewbacca's family staring lovingly at harrison ford, whose too good for that shit. oooooooh did i love me some han solo when i was little.

job sent me that congratulatory ecard this week, and various people sent me birthday ecards - surprisingly, all of them were from someecards. well, not surprisingly - they're fucking funny.

i said yes.

pos asked me to marry him saturday night.