Monday, October 31, 2005

bye.


okay, i'm going away for work for a while. be back in like 10 days.

cover bands are, by and large, sad.


today's first shuffle song: "Go Your Own Way" - Seaweed, from the Clerks soundtrack

yeah, i don't know who seaweed is, either. clerks actually doesn't hold up very well - i used to think it was like the very definition of rollicking hilarity, but sf and i watched it not too long ago and i found it to be annoying, and the acting is awful. this is a cover of the fleetwood mac song that everyone knows. the soundtrack, which i have owned since high school, also has the song "chewbacca," by some band called super nova, which i love - "chewbacca! chewy! what a wookie!"

fleetwood mac - the last time i heard a cover of their songs, other than today, was not too long ago, when i was in orlando for work. my company rented out a hotel bar and hired a band and there was a dj that spun some disco and dance music when the band was setting up and in between sets. when the dj was spinning people were on the floor, but when the band played, people hung back and drank and grazed at the buffet. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that no one really knows how to dance to "edge of seventeen" (just like a white-winged dove, sings a song, sounds like she's singing whoo whoo whoo) except for stevie nicks, and everyone knows that she breathed coke for two decades straight. seriously, they knew exactly what to play to clear the floor. no one dances to "are you gonna go my way?" - they just don't.

so at one point when the band was on a break, i was outside smoking with some co-workers and the bassist was outside, too, and the singer, who was wearing a corset, came out and said to him, "i can't wait until 11 when they open the doors because these people are BORING." bitch, i can hear you, i'm standing right here. perhaps you should re-evaluate your band - playing covers at an orlando hotel bar on saturday nights - and understand that you just made a shitload more money playing a business function than you would have had it just been the same depressing orlando townies that, again, go to hotel bars on saturday nights. because when they opened the doors at 11, i saw them. and promptly left.

a forward from my mom

Subject: Check for your Driver's License . . and remove it!

Check for your Driver's License . . and remove it! I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own!

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all! Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable!!! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove." This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect themselves, too. Believe me they will thank you for it.

i'm pretty - i don't have to be talented.


tc was over on friday and when she checked her email she was like "i guess the house of blues considers me a good customer, because they're offering me up to six tickets to see gavin rossdale's new band. tickets are four bucks."

four bucks? sure, i'll go. i'd even go for eight bucks. but probably not nine. they sold on ticketmaster for $27.50 ($742 including ticketbastard charges).

she bought four. no one else wanted to go with us.

the first opening band was sincerely terrible. i think they wanted to be the kills - a drum machine, a girl with hair in her face who kinda writhes around, a guy who acts really INTO it. her lyrics sucked and the songs were lame. they were called the come downs or the count downs or something - a quick google search really didn't help, and i don't care enough to investigate any further. the other opening band, big city rock, bad name btw, was pretty retarded. amateur hour. they probably think that they come off like the strokes, but tc suggested that it was more like rick springfield. nice brown leatherette jacket, dude. the way that you halfheartedly threw it to the ground to make a point (or something) was really original. sometimes i think the singer wanted to come across as bono. other times, like springsteen. i was just happy that my drink was heavy on the vodka and light on the cranberry.

so institute came out, and they played four of their new songs. all of the guys had on kiss/monster face paint - it is halloween and all - but gavin just had fake blood on his shirt. he's MUCH TOO PRETTY to wear halloween face paint, you see. actually, tc and i discussed the percentage of people we felt were there to see if he is still hot and/or hope to catch a glimpse of gwen (about 75%) and how many people were there because the tickets they got were four bucks (the remainder). then you must also consider how many people were willing to spend four whole dollars to see if gavin has aged well and/or if gwen was there . . .

their songs are like bush songs. sludgy. grunge. totally 1994. lyrics that don't really matter, they just sound sort of vaguely intelligent when strung together (or maybe not - "i've got a machinehead"). the fifth song they played was "everything zen," which only proves that institute isn't a band per se, but three guys willing to back gavin (pay is 80 bucks a day, don't make direct eye contact and DON'T LOOK AT MY WIFE). then they played some more institute songs - tc and i had played some clips on itunes after we purchased tickets and laughed at how entirely dated "boom box" is (lyrics: "this boom box needs batteries"). then they threw in "machinehead" for good measure and closed with "when animals attack." zzzzzzzzzzzzz. we wanted to shout out a request for "i'm just a girl."

worst yet was gavin himself. that hair looked both strangely greasy and strangely poufy - notaso good. i guess he's attractive, but take away the accent and the guitar and you immediately remove 8 points. his dancing was awe-inspiringly bad - kinda prancy, kinda spastic, when he wasn't jumping up and down or striking the annoying savior arms-outstretched rockstar pose. tc said "his dancing makes me believe boy george." also, he dry-humped the amp for an uncomfortably long time. i realized tonight that i think gavin rossdale and jared leto are the same person. if not jared leto, then jordan catalano for sure.

i give the show a C. maybe a C-. it could be lower, but it was cheap (actually, i scored tc an apartment in my building, so she paid for my ticket), and i had a bush t-shirt when i was 17. i actually saw them in milwaukee right before i graduated from high school, but it was an all-day radio station festival thing, so i'm sure i enjoyed the four songs they played that day. so nostalgia wins. and, sorry, but a starbucks medium coffee costs more than our tickets did.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

reading is lame, yo.


awesome website: overheard in new york.

here is a great one from this month:

Bitch, Please! Her Favorite Candy is Nose

NYU girl: So my friend had a class with Mary-Kate--
NYU boy: Uh huh.
NYU girl: --and they were all going around saying what their favorite books were. But when it got to Mary-Kate, she just said, "Well, my favorite candy is a Tootsie Roll."

--Chipotle, East 8th Street

custard pie


ag just sent me a custard pie e-card, and i had totally forgotten about that site and how completely awesome it is. my black and cynical heart laughs heartily at its expense. part of me thinks that there is no way that the website isn't an elaborate ironic joke poking fun at people who think that beanie babies are adorable, maya angelou is the bestest poetess, and that the best way to tell someone that you care about them is to send them a shitty e-card featuring tinny songs, crap graphics and lame poetry. but i just love the fact that this is serious.

it is, right? the weird section on snails aboard the columbia spaceship is really freaking me out.

why would you send someone an e-card with the subject line "You Are Breaking My Heart"? and be sure to check out the songs that you can choose from. "theme from naked gun"?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

fast fashion


today's first song on shuffle: "Pleasure, Little Treasure" - Depeche Mode, from 101

so i have a ton of depeche mode. i know that they just came out with a new album, which i have almost no interest in, because really, how many times can they keep making the same record? they were always style over substance, and smack addict 40 year olds really haven't been my thing since hutchence (accidentally?) killed himself. but i have way too many depeche mode cds - i took it upon myself to buy import box sets of their singles when i was in college (there are like six sets - great investment!) so i have way more than i care to listen to. anyone need a copy of an extended dance remix of "master and servant"?

i got into dm in high school - i would go over to my first gay boyfriend's house after school and we would listen to dm and talk smack about people. he also used to cut my hair. i can only imagine how hard it was to be gay in sucksville at the age of 15. everyone always knew he was gay - the linda evangelista photos in his locker were a pretty bad beard. i had two dm tshirts (black, of course - always black) that i wore until they were literally so threadbare that i think my dad threw them out when i was in college - this would be after i had sewn up the holes in the shoulders.

i still like dm, old dm. they sorta lost me around "songs of faith and devotion," although the live album from that tour (which i own, of course) has a really beautiful song called "condemnation" that features a gospel choir (sort of the key point when knowing that a band has jumped the shark). some of their stuff from the 80s still holds up well - it can be pretty hott.

oh, and i have for the masses: a tribute to depeche mode, which is a truly horrible album. i probably bought it for the cure covering "world in my eyes," but you don't know the definition of bad until you've heard rammstein covering "stripped." they sound like herman munster trying to be sexy.

hott.


oh, and the sox won.

thanks for the photo, pb.

it's been a slow day. can you tell?

best teacher ever


a racist anti-semite verbally-threatening and sexually-inappropriate high school teacher from canada is not, surprisingly, up for Teacher of the Year but for disciplinary action. fortunately, the smoking gun has an affidavit that outlines tons of crazy shit that he said to his students. sorry, but i totally laughed at his comment that the religion teacher, a nun, "doesn't get any."

read here: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1027052teacher1.html

terrible. yet i am compelled to share regardless.



so fugging funny


there's a website/blog called go fug yourself that features excellent diss commentary on celebrity clothing choices, with special sections for some repeat offenders and the insanely fugly. making fun nasty sisters (of the hilton, duff and simpson varieties) isn't novel, and dropping hints that lil kim dresses like a crackwhore isn't the apex of comedic genius, but some of the commentary is sublimely mean.

i like the quotes from various readers and media outlets about the website, including:

"Your shriveled little hearts must be made of tar." -- A reader

"If destiny has a heart, we will one day be friends." -- A reader

"Were you fat in high-school? You probably still are." -- A reader

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

i craft, okay?


tb's friend sent him this email the other day. awesome.

. . . .

So I hear a knocking at the door about 30 minutes ago. I wasn't expecting any visitors today. Hmmm, odd. I open the door. There are four men standing on the kitchen porch of my apartment.

Man with clipboard:"Hi. We're from Chicago building inspection. Did you recently have an intercom installed here?"

Me: "yes."

Man with clipboard:"By this man?" Guy with a baseball hat looks at me.

Me: "I don't know. I didn't see them when they put it in."

Big fat well dressed man: "May we come in?"

Me: "Sure."

In they all come and they look at the new intercom for a second. Then sortof shuffle and mumble. The fat guy looks at my microwave and says "What is that?"

They all stare at the object.

This is the object. (see picture)

Pretty fake looking, eh? This is what's left of my Halloween costume from last year. I have stuff like this all over my apartment. I craft, ok? It's halloween time after all. If they had looked in my fridge they would have found a severed arm. There is a severed head in the freezer. But I digress.

"Ok, we're not really building inspectors." Out come the guns. Great.

And what am I wearing? Unshowered and sporting my grey zip-up hoodie - Unabomber style.

Naturally I ask for ID. This is the first thing that pops into my head. Not "It's not a bomb", not "What's going on here" but "Do you have ID." I see badges. Ok. This is for real.

Long story short they explain that they are the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force and tell me that they guy who reported me was Baseball hat guy! This is the same guy who, incidentally, stole my ladder! This idiot was left alone in my kitchen for five hours, at any time he could have examined this toy and seen that it was nothing, but no - HE calles the FB fricking I.

They start asking questions, who I am, how long I lived here, where I work. I explain it's simply a costume, I never wore it out in public, only a gag made of broom handles and dvd boxes. They start taking pictures, all very friendly now. I'm still farking FREAKED OUT but we're laughing and I'm showing them the blinking light on it and explaining that they can actually TAKE the stupid thing if they want to. I tell them to please explain to my new landlord that I am NOT in fact a terrorist and that I really want to coperate because I don't want anymore "surprise" visits and is there anything I can do to follow up. That sort of thing.

I put the "bomb" in a paper pag and they went on their merry way.

Whew.

So how's your day going?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

the life for me


today's first shuffle song: "Ça Plane Pour Moi" - Plastic Bertrand, from "An 1"

what i know about this song: it is in french, which i know about 20 words of. plastic bertrand is one belgian guy who made a lot of shitty disco songs into the 80s. this song came out in 77 and is totally catchy with its ramones guitars and beach boys "wha-oooh-wha-oooh." my friend ps used to borrow a car and come pick me up in the winter of 2000 to go see shows and explore new bars. i absolutely adore him and he is missed - he moved to nyc after dc and is now in togo (peace corps). this was on a mix tape he used to play (he's fluent en français) and we would bob along in the car and chant in french, trying to warm up because his friend's car was kinda shitty and the heater sucked.

per request friends


so i'm watching the white sox game (see - i don't hate sports, i just rarely have use for them in my life) and they just showed steve perry from journey and went into this long tangent about how much the sox love the song "don't stop believin" and how it's their theme and how they have steve at the series "at the team's request" . . . fuck, i gotta become a pro ball player so i can say that my good-luck-charm song is "begin the begin" and i require michael stipe to hang out with me. so he has to go, "at my request."

if you were able to decide who you wanted to be there, why would you choose steve perry? although i have to say that i suddenly realized that i do really like "don't stop believin" after i saw monster.

chicago loves its sports, beer and encased meat products. i love two of the three.


this is the first - and most likely last - time that a new york times op-ed made me laugh out loud. it was this line:

when the cold wind whistles off Lake Michigan and rattles windows along the empty streets of Wrigleyville and Lincoln Park, where people are indoors making lattés or banking online or whatever it is Cubs fans do in October . . .

i'm not a cubs fan - ask anyone, the most interest i have in baseball is 1) going to games to eat corndogs and drink beer; 2) going to games when the seats are good because only then will i pay attention; 3) rollie finger's mustache, because i had his placemat from mcdonald's when i was a kid, an he has the creepiest name ever; and 4) how cool the brewers' logo used to be (the m and the b forming a perfect retro glove) - and i am not going to start pretending to be a sox fan just because they will most likely win the world series. but the diss on lincoln park residents and their yuppie concerns was truly magical to me.

i went on a date with a life-long sox fan this summer and he asked if i had gone to any games in chicago. at that point i had gone to one cubs game and one sox game. he asked which i preferred. i told him that i thought that wrigley field was cuter than comiskey park (real name is us cellular field, but i don't acknowledge corporate sponsorship of buildings and structures - it's so tacky). he just sort of looked at me and said, "uh, yeah, it is cuter, i'll give you that."

this is scary to me: In the next week or so, if God lightens up and lets Chicago win its first World Series since 1917, who knows what else might happen? Last time it was the Russian Revolution, followed by a global flu pandemic.

did nostradamus predict that the sox would win the series in 2005 and then everyone would be wiped out by avian flu? I HATE BIRDS and they are going to be the root cause of my death, i just know it.

please note that the white house does not endorse this blog.


the onion got a cease-and-desist letter from the white house for using the presidential seal. something about people mistakenly thinking that the president endorses the onion. who said irony was dead? then again, the onion often suspends its satire and simply provides facts, like the january 2001 article "Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over.'"

the new york times smartly asked how the white house found the infringement, and a spokesman said, "Despite the seriousness of the Bush White House, more than one Bush staffer reads The Onion and enjoys it thoroughly," he said. "We do have a sense of humor, believe it or not."

spoken like someone with absolutely no sense of humor at all.

to do: throw out my non-stick cookwear, stare directly at the sun


where've i been? florida, during a hurricane, of course. fortunately, wilma just blew over whorelando on monday morning and i was able to get out that afternoon, and not a moment too soon. i hate florida. i also hate the total racket that is the hotel/hospitality industry - like how renting an lcd projector at a hotel during a conference costs more than actually buying your own, and how coffee service during a two-hour meeting costs more than if you were to purchase your own coffee plantation. i had to take a cab from the convention center to a hotel literally across the street - we're talking 100 yards - because the shuttle service that my company had arranged had ceased running during the hurricane due to liability risks, and it was much too crazy out to actually walk, especially since it was a four-lane divided highway, and i was charged $7. well, it's not my money, but that's just evil and a total rip-off.

but maybe not as evil and as a complete of a rip-off as this guy and his "natural cures" pyramid scheme/ snake oil/ sleight of hand/ money laundering/ magnetic necklace/ sociopathic/ motivational speaker/ televangelical freakiness. people like this are totally crazy, and i feel bad for all of the stupid desperate fools that buy his bullshit.

how's this for science?:

Get an electromagnetic chaos eliminator. Do some "bioenergetic synchronization." Give yourself some enemas, and then give yourself some more enemas. Wear white, for positive energy. Don't use a microwave or an electric tumble dryer or fluorescent lights or artificial sweeteners; don't dry-clean your clothes or use swimming pools or eat pork. Don't use deodorant (causes cancer) or nonstick cookware (causes cancer) or watch the news (stress alters your body's pH, which can make you get cancer). Remove the metal fillings from your mouth, and you're all set!

Trudeau's "Natural Cures" also references several helpful Web sites. One claims that if you stare into the sun every day while barefoot, you won't need food anymore. Another sells an instrument that looks rather like an index card but which promises to open a "temporal and spatial gate" that "enables an individual's entire etheric system to interface with a very large, complicated, partially automated, predefined healing process."

Lastly, if you have depression, Trudeau writes, stop taking your medication and by all means stop seeing doctors, who can't be trusted. Rather, go for a long stroll outside every day and "look far away as you walk."

If that fails, the book advises you to try Scientology.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

city of brotherly love


the title of this email forward: "hell froze over."

when marketers don't have a lot to go on.


does anyone really drink coors light? here is a tracing game that they posted online.

you're welcome.

luis guzman is perhaps not an asshole.


i don't know why you'd take a role in a movie like waiting and then act like a total prick to the director, pulling the whole "i'm not gonna say that. we're gonna do it my way. don't you know who i am?" tantrum and then storm off the set. especially when there are cameras present. and especially when the only movie i can remember that you were in was traffic, made 5 years ago, and you didn't even get top-five billing. here is his imdb profile - i have seen many of his movies, but his presence obviously wasn't required. it's pretty pathetic that his scenes were deleted from harold and kumar go to white castle.

click here for the amusing and lame tirade. which, it turns out, was just a prank on the director, says this site.

alanis' fiance, aka van wilder, aka ryan reynolds, is in waiting and you can see him in this clip. he's hott. i haven't seen the amityville horror yet but i want to, as the spooky house they shot it in is across the street from my grandma's in salem, wi. my aunt and uncle live up the street and my aunt told us that she and her friends went skinny dipping in silver lake, what the house sits on, while they were filming. i love being related to old hippie artists.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

oh my xenu!

i have neglected to post any tom cruise links because, really, there are a lot, and it's funny how it is FINALLY acceptable to make fun him. dude has been an egomaniacal paranoid for years, and now that he's finally letting his guard down and impregnating blank slates via invitro (the contract said 5 mil, for 5 years, no sex), while having chemical imbalances all over the media, NOW people are picking on him. about time.

this website compiles a bunch of video clips - some of him being an assclown, some parodies: http://www.scientomogy.info/index.html.

this website is, basically, just a reinforcement: http://tomcruiseisnuts.com/.

i heart office art


tomorrow is wednesday. aka hump day. HANG IN THERE!!!!

wanna barf?


three vomit-worthy things to check out (in varying degrees of sickness):

what would you do for an ipod nano? take a dick in the nose? lick your friend's ball? how about take a shower that leaves you dirtier than you were when you started? some creepy american u students with too much money (my college bday parties' favors were always "i got some cups - did you bring the booze?") and too-loose definitions of "acceptable" vied for a nano AND THEN TALKED TO THE DC CITY PAPER ABOUT IT. thanks for the link, hbs.

em sent me this, just wondering if i was interested. my definition of "fundies" is pretty different.

rm sent me this article from salon about men and their dolls. the dolls that they are married to, or at least dress up, heat with electric blankets to keep pliable, and make sweet sweet love to. i had a hard time getting the salon link to work for a few days but i got to read the article today, and now i see that it's all "cannot find server" again. keep checking, though, and it IS worth it to watch the required advertisement if you're not a salon subscriber. desperately sad but completely riveting. and i just threw up a little in the back of my throat, but i swallowed it, so it's okay.

en·fi·lade (nf-ld, -läd) n. Gunfire directed along the length of a target, such as a column of troops.


today's first song on shuffle: "Enfilade" - At the Drive-In, from Relationship of Command

the "hello, mother leopard, i have your cub" ransom phone call at the beginning is kinda retarded, but this song, once it gets going, is pretty hott. i saw atdi in dc at the black cat in the winter of 2001 with ps. my friend ew got me their album for my 24th bday and i wanted to see them. they didn't take the stage until like 11:30 and at that point i was trashed. i remember how sweaty the crowd was, how loud and rocking the show was, and that i liked their fros. god do i miss working 10-6.

when i worked at the coffee house in college i was mildly obsessed with cutting large colorful kool-fonted letters out of magazines and i made an advertisement for near the cash register - it said "buy a cup of coffee or the kid gets it" like it was a ransom note. i wish i took that when i graduated.

freefall, gwb style


i first saw this over the summer - someone called it "ragdoll physics" and it is strangely addictive and calming and trippy. cd said that he loved it but it made him feel like he was committing domestic violence whenever he looked at it.

now you can slam it all over the place and even perhaps feel better about the state of the world, if only momentarily. also a commentary on his approval rating, and perhaps what goes on in his mind ("oooh! bubbles!").

i'm pretty happy that they put clothes on this one - bush in a bikini, like the other version, would only make my eyes bleed.

play here: http://www.yeeguy.com/freefall/

Sunday, October 16, 2005

so it goes


the washington post interviews kurt vonnegut: he's old, he's salty, he wants to sue the cigarette industry for not killing him yet. i secretly love curmudgeons. god knows i know enough of them.

i took a twain/vonnegut class in college and my vonnegut books ended up being over-underlined (and i was pleasantly surprised to learn that mark twain actually wasn't as boring as i had expected). welcome to the monkey house is still my favorite collection; i have read it probably four times since i bought a used copy from the 70s at a book drive when i was 19.

i can't believe he's still alive, and he can't either.

things you could look into, if you're bored


doesn't it rule that you can watch funny shit whenevah you want? I LOVE YOU, CYBERWEB!

click here for triumph the insult dog

click here for the ambiguously gay duo


and then you can feel creepy while reading rivers cuomo's blog on myspace.

Friday, October 14, 2005

anderson cooper is the smartest man on tv.


anderson cooper on nailbiting:

There are certainly plenty of less painful ways to deal with stress, but really, how many times a day can you masturbate?

on his hair (which i think is hott):

Going gray is like ejaculation. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock.

on covering the ball drop in times square:

I still think going out on New Year's Eve is lame

for more wit and wisdom: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/anderson.cooper.360/archive/index.html

my skin is crawling


ecf forwarded another gem from nyc craig's list. anyone need a totally insane roommate?

there is a lot to say about this fellow - like how he is brimming with homoerotic desire no matter how much he really wants to tell you about being straight, and he is clearly a sociopath who has very unhealthy relationships with women - but really i don't even want to get into it.

if you email/harrass him, please forward to me. you'll be my hero.


$800 - Str8 dude looking for cool and Fraternity-friendly roommate

Reply to: anon-103979867@craigslist.org

Date: 2005-10-13, 8:56PM EDT

Hey all, PLEASE READ THIS WHOLE AD.

I'm going to be very upfront and honest. I am a straight (but not narrow), laid back dude, who is looking for someone laid back and cool to find an apt together with. I'm thinking we could get a 2bed for around 1800-2000, or if you're willing to live in a living room, I've seen 1 bedrooms for 1600 (I'll pay more and take the bedroom).

Here are MUSTS:
NO CATS
NO SMOKERS - NO EXCEPTIONS - I don't care if you "just smoke outside."NO!
NO DRUGS
I need someone CLEAN. For example, if you use the same sponge to washthe floor and your dishes, we WON'T get along.
NO NOISY folks, thanks.

Now I said I'm going to be totally upfront. Here's more info that you need to know - I like to watch porn, and I'm not ashamed to be asexually-active 27 yo male. I like to walk around in my boxers, and Ihave hook-ups over. I am also 100% gay friendly. So I don't care if you're straight, gay, bi, whatever.

I am the president of a local fraternity, and we do consensual gangbangs on girls about once a month (in hotel rooms). Wanted to be upfront about that as well. It's a big part of who I am. It's a really great fraternity. We're all about male bonding, and guys just being guys and having a great time and using women - hell yeah! If you're cool and in shape, maybe you can even join in on the fun!

So basically, I'm looking to live in an apt where I can be myself, aplace where I can be a guy. So if you're looking for a cool roommate to get a place with, email me at gbf_nyc@yahoo.com (We can figure out where in Manhattan to find a place).

Thursday, October 13, 2005

camel toads

cd sent me this absolutely precious advice column. awesome.

http://www.revo1.com/CamelToads.jpg

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

you're written in her book/you're number 37, have a look


today's first shuffle song on ipod: "Femme Fatale" - The Velvet Underground, from The Velvet Underground and Nico

my friend eg taped me this album in high school off of her mom's lp (one of the originals with the andy warhol peel-off banana sticker - the banana underneath was bright pink). my taped copy was all hissy and warm-sounding, so hearing it on cd or digitally is weird for me - it sounds too clean. i really liked the rem cover of this song and i think that rem is how i got into the velvet underground originally - dead letter office had covers of this, "there she goes again" and "pale blue eyes," and so i asked eg for a copy. that is exactly how discovering new (or before-your-time) music is supposed to happen.

i crashed at my brother's one night on his couch in the front room, where he has the stereo, and lots of windows that allow for very bright mornings. he woke me up by playing "who loves the sun," this really sweet/sad jangly early vu song, very loudly.

def star


here is star wars, animated and narrated by gansta rap.

i hate lord of the rings. i hate star trek. i hate harry potter, i hate magic and warlocks and wizards and spaceships and sci fi and aliens and scientology. but damn do i love star wars, bitch.

thanks to mc for the link.

"international": synonym for "tacky"


i really like radar. i read gawker a lot, and they have been poking at radar since before its first issue was published, but at this point is seems that gawker is . . . well, jealous.

this article is fantastique: a normal guy reporter buys five ensembles from the international male catalogue and wears them to the four seasons (the insane snobbery mocking is awesome and evil), a yankees game, a gay club, central park, and a speed dating event. hi-larious. click here to read.

so who wears international male clothing? gay pirates and pimps, apparently.

emoronicons


ag and i started typing (and later saying) "tears" rather than "that makes me sad" or "how depressing" as a direct result of using the stupid crying yellow face emoticon over IM on ms messenger, back when i could get away with IMing at my job (not so much anymore). emoticons are lazy and dumb, but sometimes they do the trick. we thought that the crying emoticon was super lame because, really, if you're that busted up over something, maybe calling the person you are IMing with is in order.

but this is great - a blogger posted some celebrity emoticons. the tom cruise is my favorite.

http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2005/10/celebrity-emoticons.html

ag and i were also fond of the one that i guess is supposed to be "sleepwalking" - we would put it in and type "the leprachaun wants to hug you."

urine dancer

ecf forwarded this nyc missed connection from craig's list.

It all took place on a rainy Saturday night. I met you at a loft part and things were going smashingly well. You and I played the piano together, discussed music and all things hip until the wee hours of the morning. I don't know if you remember what happened next but we decided to leave the party together. We strolled along the streets together, continuing our witty drunken banter, knowing full well that we were destined for your apartment for activities of the naughty kind.

But then I had to go ahead and ruin things by taking a leak . I regret this decision, as perhaps things would have ended up differently had I not felt the urge to piss on the dirty streets of New York. At first I was delighted you didn't seem disgusted by the call of nature but then... you did something so shocking that my sex drive went from a 10 to a 2 in a matter of seconds.

You...uh...You danced around in my pee! Not only did you prance around in a stream of my urine but you cupped your hands in the puddle of pee I had just created and started splashing around in it.

Look, I like freaky girls but this was a little bit too much for me to handle at 4am on a Saturday night in public having only known you for a few hours. So I freaked out a bit and as far as getting the necessary blood required to bone you was most definitely out of the question.

So here I am, 3 days later, thinking...you know what? I'm down with pee. I'm down with your crazy pee dancing ways. So give me a wee shout and we can recreate the moment and I promise not to get all pissy about it.

Only this time, I would appreciate a little R. Kelly music in the background for inspiration.

I (<3) you urine dancer...lets make this work

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

um, SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE it is not.


here's a short review of liz phair's new album, somebody's miracle:

the best thing about it is that she used the valley of the dolls font for her cover art.

it is that bad. it's not excruciating - except for when she strains into a soprano voice on "wind and the mountain" - but it is zzzzzzzzzzzz boring. i didn't know that she was a part of the joanna newsom weirdo-rock movement where the more off-key you could be the better you think your song is. too bad joanna is charming with her creepy lyrics while liz is satisfied with rhyming "bad" with "sad." gone are the interesting lyrics and, while not musically the most gifted songwriter or guitarist, at least her songs used to have some compelling bite and edge to them. now she's just hilary duff's milf.

i didn't think that being the poor man's sheryl crow could be considered a career move, but it seems like liz is perfectly content being pointless these days.

at least the last album had "my bionic eyes" on it. i have listened to this album three times since i bought it sunday and i still haven't decided if there are any songs that stand out from the mush of same-sounding mediocrity. in case you're interested, i have posted it for $7.50 on amazon.com's used music section.

and what the fuck was she talking about when she said that this was meant to be a response to stevie wonder's songs in the key of life like how exile in guyville was a response to the stones? you can't just make up shit like that to get attention and seem like maybe you put some thought into your new batch of assembly-line songs. ps: the macaroni and cheese i made last night was actually a performance art piece in response to the gripping paranoia of avian bird flu.

pitchfork's review: they're pissed that they wasted a 0.0 rating on the last one.

nin 10/7/05


i never got to see nine inch nails in the 90s. i think i knew better than to ask my parents if i could go see them in madison or milwaukee (chicago would have been absolutely out of the question). rem, sure; nin, with marilyn manson opening, uh, NO. i owned and proudly wore at least three nin t-shirts (black, of course) until i was about 23. i always thought trent was ugly(ish)-hot. i always thought that the band was a lot more thoughtful and artistic than what the mainstream music press and typical-kid rock fans gave them credit for. it never ceased to strike me as sincerely surreal to see sorority girls happily dance and sing along to "closer" at college bars. i still believe that natural born killers, produced by trent, is the best soundtrack ever released, and certainly one of the few that flows seamlessly. i love that he sang back-up on a tori amos song, and i love that he bought john lennon's mellotron and played it on manson's "cryptorchid" (one of my favorite songs, and i'm not entirely sure why). when i went on a garden district walking tour in new orleans, the tour guide pointed out his house, complete with black curtains, and told us that it used to be a funeral home. i'm not as huge of a fan as some people (and there are a LOT of those people), but i like him/his band, and i respect him a lot.

so i was so happy for how ENTIRELY BADASS the nin show at the allstate arena last friday was. for reals.

the crowd was about as eclectic as you could possibly be in an all-white crowd: goth kids, punk kids, rural couples, normal folks who like rock shows, sluts, jocks, heavy metal guys, bikers, the heavily tattooed, the heavily eyelinered, moms with their 8th graders, indie kids, the trenchcoat mafia. i would say that a solid 20 percent of those in attendence never got the memo about not wearing the band's t-shirt to their show. this also includes the fellow with the nin raincoat (homemade) and those with nin neck tattoos (also seemingly homemade).

queens of the stone age opened (so did autolux, which we missed). the crowd sat in its seats, and those in general admission just sort of stood there, waiting. josh homme did not care for this - he taunted some guy in the front ("what did you say? take the dick out of your mouth, i can't understand you. what? huh? put the dick back in - you make more sense that way.") and before their last song he likened playing to us as "playing for a bunch of dead people." i was happy to hear "the lost art of keeping a secret" but i guess i was alone in that. my favorite qotsa story is that a bunch of hearing-impaired people showed up to a venue in england after they had seen the "songs for the deaf" tour advertised.

so nin played two hours, no breaks, no encore. lots of old stuff - opened with "pinion" (playing behind a gauzy white curtain) and closed with "head like a hole" - mixed well with the new. i wish i had heard "happiness in slavery" and "all the love in the world," but those are minor complaints. they seriously rocked hardcore, and the first half an hour made me so freaking giddy and happy - it was just too fucking awesome. at one point they dropped the white curtain again to show some trent-tastic video clips (nature at its most beautiful and hideous, monkeys, war, corpses, george bush - booed, of course - ameobas, static, etc) while they played. i was surprised to hear "hurt," as i read somewhere that trent can't even listen to the original version since johnny cash basically reclaimed it, but i'm sure that's all hyperbole. i tend to forget how easy it is to dance to nin - it's downright dark disco, yo.

there is something precious about 10,000 boys yelling "i gave you my purity and my purity you stole." also, the lyrics "this world rejects me/this world threw me away" are sorta ironic considering i just gave him 50 bucks to rail about how isolated he is.

here is the playlist, stolen from the blog of someone who REALLY LIKES NIN:

Pinion
Love Is Not Enough
Wish
Terrible Lie
The Line Begins To Blur
March of the Pigs
The Frail
The Wretched
Closer
Burn
Gave Up
Eraser
Right Where It Belongs
Beside You In Time
Sin
Only
Reptile
Suck
Hurt
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like A Hole

Sunday, October 09, 2005

tears. tearstearstears.


i feel so psychologically battered right now. i just watched the deer hunter for the first time. it felt like it lasted 14 hours. i was sitting on my couch with my hand over my mouth and muttering "holy shit oh my god this is so fucked up."

i am completely in love with robert de niro. is that wrong?

travis bickle is the obvious progression from these characters and what they went through.

i was thinking "god, i always hate that guy's characters - he's a great actor" about john cazale (aka fredo in the godfather) so i looked him up on imdb and GOD. i didn't think this movie could have become any more depressing. i was wrong.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

it tends to make the day go by just a bit quicker


today's first shuffle song on ipod: "Pyramid Song" - Radiohead, from Amnesiac

i listened to this album a lot post-september 11. it felt appropriate. i worked in what had at one time been a closet for filing cabinets at one of my non-profit jobs in dc, which had no window or door, but which i liked, as it was sort of a little cubby off of the hallway. my co-worker mob, who became one of my favorite people and close friend, despite being 10 years older and gay and way smarter than me, used to call down the hall while i was listening to "you and whose army?" - my favorite song on this album - "are you drowning cats in there again?" so whenever i listen to this album i think of him and our office. his quarters map was stolen that fall. not the entire map - just the quarters. we think it was the guys that came in to lay the new carpet.

songs inevitably become tied to where i was working when i listened to them a lot or first heard them. when i worked at sam goody in the summer of 1998, my co-worker bm was really into big wreck, this band from boston that was technically very good - skilled and well-crafted songs and all that, but lacked a real sense of uniqueness or style, and she used to play their album constantly. we could play whatever we wanted as long as it didn't have any swearing and your co-workers didn't hate it, and i heard that album so many times i had to buy it because it was simply what i became so accustomed to. i do really love the song "blown wide open" off of that album. we actually sold a lot of big wreck cds that summer, even though it was over a year old and there were no hit singles. people would walk in and point towards the ceiling (where the speakers were) and be like "what IS that?" like they knew that they should know (that's the effect big wreck has on you - the band sounds exactly like every other decent-to-good mid-90s band), and they would end up buying it for $18.99, which is highway robbery. i didn't love working there - corporate lameness, expensive, lots of tools would come in, it was situated in the mall right next to a cookie store (so it smelled like butter) and across from a country western clothing store with an offensive-as-all-fuck confederate flag displayed. but it was the best summer job i could get in sucksville, usa.

oh, and i also did double-duty that summer, walking across the mall parking lot to the blockbuster to work there at night. we had to play a video on repeat that was probably three or four hours long that featured coming attractions and a few videos and commercials. i heard faith hill's "this kiss" so many fucking times that summer. also on the tape was semisonic's "closing time," and i actually like that song, despite its incessant loop. whenever i hear that song i can smell the air-conditioned plastic environment that was the blockbuster. that job was pretty thankless. i did become friends with jk through that job, though, and we still email like every day - usually "what are you doing?" and "i got really drunk last night" - but that's pretty impressive, considering the nexus for our friendship was shelving videos and deleting people's $43 late charges.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

wicked good


saw wicked tonight. had purchased tickets in july. good seats (16th row). didn't know much about it other than it's good, it's in chicago for a few months, and i like the poster. yes, i am that easy to please. i was super surprised to see that ana gasteyer from snl was elphaba (aka the wicked witch of the west), and she was really great. i knew from her retardo choir teacher skits on snl that she could sing in a ridiculous theatrical voice, but she can actually really sing. i liked the story a lot in that it does for the wicked witch what star wars episode 3 did for darth vader: you actually see that history is a series of viewpoints, not facts, and that people will believe what you tell them, it's all about how you frame it. WOW - deeply philosophical i am.

i liked the weird misuse of language, i liked that you discover the origins of the tin man, the cowardly lion and the scarecrow, and i liked the sets and costumes. the music was good, for being a broadway musical (there was a song in the beginning called "the wizard and i" where i was like "oh, christ, this isn't going to be all about magical mystical wizardry, is it?" but i overlooked it). glinda the good witch was really just a perky bitch and the wicked witch of the west was really just misunderstood. a great concept. i have heard that the book is both awesome (dark, funny, racy) and, from others, a snore.

Monday, October 03, 2005

let the mighty eagle soar


today's first shuffle song on the ipod: "Check the Meaning" - Richard Ashcroft, from Human Conditions.

this is beautiful, and i love richard, and i know that it is considered "lifesyle music" (a famous diss by thom yorke about coldplay) - as in, smug 34-year-olds "rock out" to it in their suvs in between jaunts to the gymboree with dylan or hunter or dakota and then hitting starbucks for a soy latte - but i still like it. it's sunday-morning, loll-about-in-bed, think-about-maybe-going-to-a-movie-if-you-decide-to-leave-the-apartment music. i saw richard at the 9:30 club in dc in 2000 with my friend sw, who wasn't entirely sure who he was. she had told some of her co-workers at the usda that she was going to go see john ashcroft's concert that night, and was met with some confused and not-kind looks. hey, he's a singer-songwriter, too.

some links, some rambling


in case you're looking for someone, nevada's clark county coroner office has unidentified bodies and autopsy photos posted online. um, BARF. why this is accessible to just anyone is beyond me. click here if corpses are your thing.

kanye and mike meyers meet up again backstage at snl. watch here.

jim jarmusch's notes for a new ghostbusters sequel, compliments of mcsweeney's.

i typically hate andy rooney and his miserly, curmudgeonly ways (my seventeen-year-old self is still indignant over his mean-spirited commentary after kurt blew his brains out) but this is shit that maybe even my grandma will listen to. when even andy rooney is telling you that the war is a joke, it can't be long before the aarp crowd starts pissing and moaning like they do so well. as tb said in his forward to me, "props to andy, usually he wastes his two minutes of air time pondering 'junk mail.'" watch here. btw, hasn't he been elderly for like 35 years?

ecf sent out this excellent article about patrick deuel, the nebraskan man that lost 537 pounds (down from 1,072), with the subject line "hottie alert." i love that this man is married. he's not just married - he placed an ad in the paper, told his suitors that he was physically challenged, and he still found a lady. well, he WAS only 700 pounds when they met, so i guess she might be a little frustrated that he really let himself go after the wedding, but they're still together. that brings a fat, salty tear to my eye, to think that there is indeed someone out there for everyone. mmmm. salt.

i must say, i am pretty disappointed with friendster's decision to display who has been looking at your profile. i turned that function off in my options, as i really don't want to be held accountable for the cyberstalking i commit on a daily basis. i will say, however, that i appreciate the randomness of seeing who has been looking at my page. i'm talking to you, dan, mark, luke and stan, whomever you may be. (oh, who am i kidding. i know who they are now. sorta. i looked back. but they wont be able to know, and i prefer that.)

thanks to rm, ecf and tb for the above links and for always keeping me entertained at work.

nerd alert: a new cure for boredom


just what i needed: a new way to ignore the rest of my life (aka "a hobby"). old dc co-worker and friend ns was in town last week - we met for dinner and way too many drinks (what compelled me to do shots with a cute boy - prematurely graying, which i heart so very much - is beyond me, as i came home and puked) and she told me all about the express' new feature, sudoku, which is all the rage in nerd circles. i fucking LOVE the express - it's the free daily that the washington post hands out at the dc metro, and i would read it on my way to work and do the crossword on the way home. it replaced reading novels on my commute to the point where i haven't read a novel in a long time - i'm much too preoccupied with magazines and papers and websites to actually immerse myself with something as outmoded as a pile of pages bound together by one author telling one complex story. i don't bother with the chicago free papers, though, red eye (the trib) and red streak (sun-times). if i can't have the post i don't want anything. if they have sudoku, though, i might rethink my dismissal.

check out sudoku here - like a crossword with numbers that doesn't require math or real skill other than observation skills and patience. jesus help me.

IT is not my favorite book.



tc sent this to me, knowing full well how i feel about clowns. this article says that, while annoying to hospital staff and doctors, people who volunteer as clowns actually help the sick children they visit. i am eternally grateful for never having been ill as a child, partly because i don't think i could have survived a scaryass clown standing over my bed with a sinister painted-on smile telling me that the medicine is good for me. this reminds me of a girl that lived next to ag and i in the dorm: she told us, nonchalantly, that she had used to "clown." like, she used it as an adverb. we grilled her for more information and laughed and told her it was creepy and she was super defensive about it. she went to hospitals dressed as a clown, and while noble to want to help sick kids, dude, that's frightening. ag and i once left a slice of deli ham on her doorknob and wrote "circus music" phonetically on her dry-erase board - it was something like "do do dah do do, do do do," which only served to piss her off all over again. what can i say - clowns are fucked up and ag and i were total drunkards.

the photo on the right is from the smoking gun - it's a mug shot with the guy's ringling brothers employment photo comparison. he was busted for kiddie porn. coincidince? NO.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

local bands that didn't come across as amateur night


it's hard to be in a new city (well, it's been a year, but with my travel schedule i think it's still fair to say that i am new here) and know where the kool kids go, what local bands are worth checking out, and if there is indeed a scene beyond the obvious, downtown, bridges-and-tunnels-inhabiting, bad dance club and overpriced cheese bars downtown and near my place. thankfully, i have a nice older brother and he has friends in awesome bands, so i went to subterranean friday night for a hurricane katrina benefit show - $10 for four local bands. one guy, cameron mcgill, was really great - just him, his guitar, a harmonica, and the ability to channel a certain bob dylan and ryan adams vibe without coming across as annoying or delusional. plus he was pretty. tb's friend todd is the drummer for moxie motive, and they deserve to actually have a following - they've got their rock star kicks down and sound really great - two guitars, good singer, girl violinist. i couldn't really decipher lyrics but tb said that they are what you'd want to listen to the night that you found out that your daughter had an abortion (genre: songs to slit your wrists to). the other two bands, life at sea and tenki, were good too. i like that chicago gets better every month i'm here. they say that it takes a year to really feel home in a new city, and i think i'm getting there.

ok cool


i don't know much about ok go other than they are from chicago, i really liked their song "get over it," and they are dapper dressers. also, their originally-not-meant-for-public-consumption video for "a million ways" is really awesome - watch on the npr website.