Tuesday, October 25, 2005

to do: throw out my non-stick cookwear, stare directly at the sun

where've i been? florida, during a hurricane, of course. fortunately, wilma just blew over whorelando on monday morning and i was able to get out that afternoon, and not a moment too soon. i hate florida. i also hate the total racket that is the hotel/hospitality industry - like how renting an lcd projector at a hotel during a conference costs more than actually buying your own, and how coffee service during a two-hour meeting costs more than if you were to purchase your own coffee plantation. i had to take a cab from the convention center to a hotel literally across the street - we're talking 100 yards - because the shuttle service that my company had arranged had ceased running during the hurricane due to liability risks, and it was much too crazy out to actually walk, especially since it was a four-lane divided highway, and i was charged $7. well, it's not my money, but that's just evil and a total rip-off.

but maybe not as evil and as a complete of a rip-off as this guy and his "natural cures" pyramid scheme/ snake oil/ sleight of hand/ money laundering/ magnetic necklace/ sociopathic/ motivational speaker/ televangelical freakiness. people like this are totally crazy, and i feel bad for all of the stupid desperate fools that buy his bullshit.

how's this for science?:

Get an electromagnetic chaos eliminator. Do some "bioenergetic synchronization." Give yourself some enemas, and then give yourself some more enemas. Wear white, for positive energy. Don't use a microwave or an electric tumble dryer or fluorescent lights or artificial sweeteners; don't dry-clean your clothes or use swimming pools or eat pork. Don't use deodorant (causes cancer) or nonstick cookware (causes cancer) or watch the news (stress alters your body's pH, which can make you get cancer). Remove the metal fillings from your mouth, and you're all set!

Trudeau's "Natural Cures" also references several helpful Web sites. One claims that if you stare into the sun every day while barefoot, you won't need food anymore. Another sells an instrument that looks rather like an index card but which promises to open a "temporal and spatial gate" that "enables an individual's entire etheric system to interface with a very large, complicated, partially automated, predefined healing process."

Lastly, if you have depression, Trudeau writes, stop taking your medication and by all means stop seeing doctors, who can't be trusted. Rather, go for a long stroll outside every day and "look far away as you walk."

If that fails, the book advises you to try Scientology.

No comments: