Saturday, December 30, 2006

i heart global warming: 50 degree christmas, no snow

dead pool update: while i did not have the godfather of soul on my list, i did have gerald ford (7) and saddam hussein (31), so added to my 9 for pinochet, i have a total of 47 for the year. not in last place, but i sure as fuck didn't win. the pot was for $300, as there were five players, but i have lured more friends into participating, so next year's dead pool will hopefully be much more lucrative, and i plan on winning. 2007's strategy: go for the old.

my holidays have been super nice. i haven't been to work since friday the 22nd and i don't have to go back until wednesday, jan 3. i've been spending a lot of time with pos and his family, i went home for christmas eve and day, my sister and mom came to chicago to hang out, i got to see college friends cl and ea, who i hadn't seen for about five years, as well as hj, one of my bestest friends and who lives in new orleans these days. plus i have had marley on and off, as tb and js just moved into their new condo and are in florida for new years, and i am having a party tomorrow night where em and hk are coming in from philly, kk is coming in from dc, and eb, sf, pos, te and lk and all coming over.

i have been eating a lot of good food and loving not having to go to work. when i do go back to work, i will start a new position, as i got a promotion, and rumor has it that i will be moving into an office on the 8th floor that has a DOOR and a WINDOW that overlooks michigan avenue. this is quite the step up from the ghetto cubicle that i currently sulk in all day. the verns is no longer my boss. so in 2006 i got an apartment i love, the best bf evah, and a new job as well. 2006 was awesome.

oh, and i love presents. pos got me rad boots and some perfume and silver hoop earrings. his family is sooo nice to me - his sister, who lives with her family in ireland and who is in town for a few weeks, brought me a really pretty piece of irish pottery, and his parents got me a bath and body works vanilla sugar gift basket, and his brother and his family gave him a gift card to a retaurant for the expressed purpose that he take me there.

i got scary psycho clown coasters from tb, i got itunes giftcards from hj, the new annie leibovitz book from sf and eb, the onion daily calendar from tc, jc took me to lunch, js gave me a rad hello kitty tea set, db got me some kitchen utensils and an anne taintor luggage tag that says "i love not camping" (my hatred for camping is well-known).

my parents were very generous with me this year and got me lots of really nice wedding christmas presents: cookbooks, a martha stewart how-to-clean book, a kitchenaid knife set, and a kitchenaid 10-piece pot and pan set. these are things that i do need, and i had asked for one good knife so i can learn how to properly chop shit up, and i asked for a five-quart pot so i can make chili, but my mom went a little overboard. the pots and pans came in a large, heavy box, which was giftwrapped in straight-up wedding paper with ribbons and bows. she said that she bought the set at a department store and wanted to get it wrapped, but they told her that they only wrap wedding gifts, so she said "it IS a wedding gift." i think that, even if she wont admit it, and even if it is buried deep into her subconcious, she certainly was buying me wedding presents. what's rad is that i have had a boyfriend for FOUR MONTHS. she's getting antsy about her children, ages 32, 29 and 26, all perfectly happy with the people we're dating but not engaged, not pregnant, and not even talking about it (except for tb and js, who casually mentioned that they don't want to get married in a church when the time comes, which caused a shitstorm on christmas eve and culminated in my mother crying at 8:00 mass, which tb and js chose not to attend). she needs more hobbies and needs to learn to back off. but i do love the presents - i guess that 2007 is the year that i learn to cook.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

shred down

an email that jms sent this morning:

"If you missed The Colbert Report last night, I would highly recommend checking it out on The entire show was devoted to guitar solo 'shred-off' challenge made by the Decemberists to Steven Colbert. The assortment of guests were even more random than you would find on your average VH1 Celebreality show. The show was introduced by Morley Safer in the style of 60 minutes. The 3 minute introductory song was by the guy from Apples in Stereo. The judges were a rock critic, producer, and ELIOT SPITZER. The guy who told them to start rockin' via satelite was Henry Kissinger. When Colbert 'hurt his hand' and couldn't perform, Peter Frampton took his place against the Decemberists' lead guitarist.

Yeah, all that in a half an hour. I had to watch it again today to make sure I wasn't high last night."

return of the muppet.

i am dog-sitting marley again - tb and js have a wedding to attend in milwaukee this weekend.

having a little doggy around is funny - you just mutter gibberish at it, sort of as a way to make it feel secure and wanted, and partly to make it stop squeaking and yipping, wondering where the hell his owners are.

names that i call the dog: marley, mars, mars bar, marles, marles barkley, marles in charge, puppy, pups, pupalups, muppet, puppet, muppetpuppet, muppypups, monster, and ewok. i got "marles in charge" from tb and js, which i think is high comedy. they also call him "professor whiskers," so i say that sometimes, too.

mars basically stretched himself across my body to sleep last night, and ended up bouncing around between me, pos, our feet, and our faces. i don't think he slept at all. hopefully that's what he's doing right now, rather than eating a pen.

also: i found a pair of my undies in his dog bed this morning, which he clearly found on my bedroom floor or in my laundry basket. pantysniffer! marley is a perv!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Friday, December 15, 2006

since i get to leave early, i will leave you with some entertainment.

little britain is probably the best thing i discovered in 2006 - love it. i got jmk to netflix it and he loves it, too - he sent me this. yeah, i know.

here is some randomness, featuring a unicorn and a sasquatch. it's shit like this that makes the work day so much easier to get through.

michael k from dlisted (another fine distraction that makes work tolerable) was a guest sex advice columnist on nerve - so cute! i also love that he told his readers to ignore the photo, because he looks fat. hahahah. i think that some of the advice from other guest bloggers sucked. why doesn't anyone ever ask me to be a guest advice blogger? i mean, TENS of people read me every single day. thanks to tc for forwarding.

speaking of nerve, here's some good readin: their list of the top 40 best celebrity rumors.

tb sent me that still from the republitards' official 2007 calendar. he titled this one THE DECIDER. hahaha. i sincerely hope that history is not kind to that man. he is beyond a shitty leader and a bad man and a complete idiot to boot.

my 2007 dead pool list is coming together in fine form. i'm also really excited for all of the friends that want to get in on the action - all it takes is 50 names, $5 a month and a firm understanding that while you may not wish harm on anyone, you wouldn't mind collecting the points when they die. because they would have died whether you had placed money on them or not. anyway, i have 64 names and need to whittle that down to 50.

i keep posting stuff way after it is relevant or new - but here is borat's clebrity playlist. funny.

i really like this video. they're an adorable couple. good song, too. here is pitchfork's top 25 videos of 2006, in case that one wasn't good enough for you.

and i'm out. we're having our office holiday party this afternoon - we get to go to the top floor of the w hotel, which has awesome panoramic views of downtown chicago and lake michigan, and we get an open bar, lunch, a dj, and a raffle. the lunch and raffle are appreciated; the open bar and dj would be a lot less awkward if our party wasn't from noon until 3 pm in a room flooded with sunshine. one thing that's funny: they always wait until 3 before handing out our gifts (usually a $100 gift certificate to use online), because some people really are tacky enough to grab lunch, take their gift and scram.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

finally getting around to posting what is not necessarily important news, but entertaining regardless.

the problem with rarely posting is that all of the stuff i've saved in a draft email to later write about is inevitably posted first on blogs that i (and, i am assuming, you) read, so by the time i get around to saying anything about them, they're old news. so forgive the regurgitated posts and articles - i don't do this full-time, for chrissakes.

british scientists, who apparently raided my college cd collection for this study, came up with the world's saddest song (scientifically speaking - they measured heart rates of test subjects), which is "the drugs don't work" by the verve, and the most exhilarating, "song 2" (which you probably know as "WHOO HOO") by blur. as a fan of both bands, this is funny to me. is "the drugs don't work" a downer? yes indeed, but i never felt as if my heart literally slowed down as i contemplated how the drugs have stopped working and my life is a black hole of depressing uphill battles. is "song 2" totally amped? errr . . . well . . . i mean, i like it. i'll put it on a party playlist for my ipod, not expecting people to start bouncing off of the walls but perhaps to simply remember "hey, yeah, it's that song. anyway, as i was saying . . ." that being said, i would like to formally declare that urban hymns is perhaps one of the best albums of all time, richard ashcroft is one of the greatest frontmen of all time, and "bittersweet symphony" is hands-down my favorite song of all time. you can watch videos for both "the drugs" and "song 2" here - and the onion a.v. club's commentary that "If you listen to them back to back, you can find out what manic depression feels like (in the UK)" is hilarious.

i saw a "remixed" trailer that re-imagined the shining as a wholesome little-boy-looking-for-a-dad movie, and it was pretty good. i like this one - mary poppins as a horror flick.

oooh, i gots a crush! hillary needs to step off. watch this.

i love scribbling out to-do lists - they make me feel as if merely writing down what i want or need to accomplish is half as good as actually doing it. these are funny.

i totally adore wikipedia. when my friends and i first discovered it - and also discovered that a slutbag whom they had gone to high school with had fucked some low-level bush administration men for cash and somehow turned her skanktitude into a writing career (while also selling the rights to her story to sarah jessica parker, who knows a thing or two about milking flexible morals and questionable sexual politics into pop-culture trash) has a wikipedia page - we were like "we ought to create our own pages! it's like the ultimate friendster or myspace page, but for, like, for real adults!" fortunately, we realized how entirely nerdy that would be, even for us, so this never happened - but it seems as if it would have been deleted anyway, as the wiki is to be taken seriously. i would link to said slutbag's page, but i don't want to give her any more credit than she has already received. it is awesome that one of her claims to fame is that she was photographed for playboy (including such tasteful photos of her exposing her breast in front of the capitol building and her taking a shower), but it didn't even make it to the print edition, just the website.

speaking of wikipedia, i found these linked off of the 2006 deaths page, which is key for checking on dead pool stats. when diets work a little too well: here (apples and tomatoes) and here (diet coke and lettuce). take note, nicole richie. you are worth 75 points in the 2007 dead pool.

and, finally: i wish i lived in north carolina.

two things about the verns.

my boss is a special lady. i am careful to not say too much on the blog about my job, for all sorts of paranoid reasons (as well as not wanting to bore you to death), so i haven't mentioned the verns much (her name is verna, but "the verns" is just way too appropriate for her, and i tend to call her this when she isn't around. it's an affectionate nickname, really).

the verns is fantastic to shoot the shit with. she always wants to know what my weekend plans are, how my personal life is going, if the gift she bought for her 23-year-old daughter is cool or not, etc. she's kinda like a fun mom figure in that she wants to make sure that you're happy, comfortable and having a good time. these are great qualities to have in a boss. unfortunately, on the business end of everything . . . well . . .

so this morning, i go into her office to give her some documents, and she's chatting with a co-worker. about mork and mindy. no, i'm not kidding. she was going on and on about how much she loves robin williams - really, madly loves him - and i asked if she thinks that he is attractive. she said "not really. but, i'm tellin you, if you're a crotch-watcher, YOU KNOW that he's packing." i started laughing and backing away slowly (this is one of the least-explicit things i have ever heard her say when she gets going on such matters - for real) and then she yelled after me when i was in the hallway, "oh, and jim carey, too! you see him wear those tight jeans, and you just KNOW . . ."

when i got back to my desk after my mid-morning smoke, there was a package on my chair, wrapped in "50 - Better Than Ever!" birthday paper. i opened the card and realized that it was my christmas gift from the verns. for the past two years she just gave me $50 in cash (way too generous, in my opinion), but this year she gave me a kate spade handbag. it's really pretty - a wool pattern that matches my winter coat but has little flecks of pastel in the fabric, nice silver hardware, black leather strap and bottom. when i saw it i was like "VERNA!!!! this is too nice! i love it! but really, that is way too generous." she said, "yeah, well, it ain't real" (upon further inspection, she is quite correct - the kate spade label is easily peeled off, since it's a cloth sticker) and told me to look inside. she got me an ornament. a personalized one. with my name and pos' name on two clinking champagne glasses with "1st Christmas - 2006" painted on it. it's nice. it's also . . . kinda . . . creepy . . . considering we've been dating for just a few months . . . and "1st christmas" seems . . . well . . . "iknowwehaventbeendatingverylong - butyouhadbetterneverleavemeoriwillcutyou." i was wondering why she called me a few weeks ago and asked what my boyfriend's name is.

so that's just two things about the verns. a little window into the miscellaneousness that is my every day dealings with her. here is an old post that might offer yet even more insight. she's an interesting person.

also: the kate spade knock-off reminds me of a story that my friend ks told me. she bought a simple black nylon kate spade handbag off the street for $40 in dc and decided to actually buy a real one (retail price: around $300) at bloomingdale's when she was in new york. she set her knock-off on the counter to get her wallet out, and the salesgirl looked at it and sniffed, "huh, i've never seen that style before." hahahahaha. BITCH!!!

Monday, December 11, 2006

a good excuse for why i haven't bothered lately

i saw a book called hipster haiku at barnes and noble this weekend that made me laugh.

how's this for ya:

I don't blog daily
Such foolish consistency
Says "I have no life"

by the way, i no longer have 0 points in the dead pool. pinochet died at the age of 91 - no tears for that guy, and i actually got on the board. i'll take the 9 measly points. tb is now in last place. trailed by me. i've been working a better list lately. thank you, brooke astor for making it this far - just a couple more weeks, girlfren. i suppose if she does die before 2007 i'll still manage to have five points.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

oh special day

special birthday shout-out to pos. he's 36 today. i love telling him things like "the challenger exploded when i was in the third grade" and seeing him get a little creeped out, thinking about how he was in high school when i was learning how to subtract. i'm taking him out for a nice dinner tonight and we're taking tomorrow off so we can hang out. i also got him a cool birfday present but i'm not gonna say what it is because i know that he reads this.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i don't really have a title right now.

been busy.

not to beat a dead horse or anything, but this is amusing, sent to me by tb.

special guest photographer: pos took that photo of the black keys with his cell phone when we saw them a week and a half ago. my celly is all ghetto and doesn't take pictures.

i don't really think that i talk too much. i think i type more than i speak. that's what happens when 70 percent of your friends live in other states, and you spend your days IMing and emailing (in between working, when you can get to it). jmk sent me this, pointing out the quote that “Women…actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices…similar to that felt by heroin addicts when they get a high.” whatever, fancy scientists with your fancy science.

jmk also sent me this with the subject line "if this is real it is great." someone had a rough night. love the recap at the end and the instant replays. when in doubt, just smoke some cigs while sitting on a keg and wait for the cops to come arrest you.

am came to chicago for a wedding and we were able to meet up for brunch at ann sather's (mmmm - cinnamon rolls) and catch up. made me miss her and all the new york kidz. she sent me this website, get mortified, where you are supposed to submit hideously embarrassing photos, notes, journal entries and the like from your torturously lame childhood. funny. however, none of these are nearly as mortifying as the horrible memories i have from the ages of 8 til . . . well, last week.

ab sent me this - the website of the REAL borat. i wonder if js finds this guy as hott as sacha baron cohen. probably not.

cd, who i miss a lot, sent me this link, which offers ideas on what to do with a pile of old ticket stubs, because it reminded him of me. i made like five awesome framed collages (very fourth-grade but very artistic, if i do say so myself) of old tickets to see bands, museums, writers, and the like a few years ago (no movie stubs, though - that's just too anal). i have a shoebox full of more of them that i must get around to doing something with. cd also got all nostalgic over email this week and sent me, jh and sj the link to the blog that we all posted on a few years ago, called "the pink and the black," which, if memory serves correctly, was actually a "private blog" and was a way for us to leave little messages for one another. i posted this on tuesday, august 5, 2003:

"i heart the flaming lips.
i do not heart how fucking insanely tired i am.
worst weekend ever. worst monday ever. worst SUMMER ever.
when will jesus stop punishing me?"

i have no remembrance whatsoever about what was so horrible about the first weekend of august 2003, so i can guarantee that i have suffered far worse since then. jesus never did stop his punishments.

gotta go. more later. most likely.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

this post demonstrates how entirely unambitious i am on an average wednesday.

i can get bored. very, very, life-force-suckingly bored. you can only check dlisted so many times a day, you know, for even the most vapid news and photos. i started going through the onion's av club archives earlier (inspired by the homeless guy who tried to sell me a copy of the onion for a dollar today - sorry, dude, i understand how streetwise is a logical item to buy from you, but i can go to the onion's green plastic box and pick up my own copy for free). they have a great "ask the av club" section where people write in with random "what was that show i loved as a kid?" questions, like that 80s tv show with the girl who could stop time because her dad is an alien who she communicates with via a glass candy dish (that would be out of this world, and burt reynolds voiced her dad).
i got super excited when someone asked about a made-for-tv movie from the 80s about a girl whose siblings tie her shoelaces together as a prank, and when they get into a car accident she is trapped inside the car, which explodes. i have thought about that movie, no shit, on an at least bi-monthly basis for the past twenty-plus years, remembering not its name, stars or context, but remembering a scene where a little girl severs a house's electric wiring with a pizza cutter. it was quite terrifying (to me when i was seven). i have looked for it on imdb to no avail, probably because i always thought that the little girl from poltergeist who died mysteriously when she was 12 was its star.

but now i know: it's called don't go to sleep, it starred valerie harper and ruth gordon, and it's probably not scary at all but my desire to see it again has increased like 643 times. not available on netflix. since christmas is coming up, i'll add this to the list of things-i-want-that-i-wont-get.

now if only i could figure out - and find on dvd - the name of the made-for-network-tv mini-series i saw in the second grade about world war ii, hitler, the secret service, and concentration camps. one scene that is forever seared into my brain is when a man in a suit tries to walk past some secret service agents at some sort of check-point, and they rip his sleeve to reveal his number tattoo and they knock him down in a spray of bullets as he starts running from them. this was quality entertainment for a seven-year-old. i distinctly remember not wanting to take the garbage out because i was scared that there were nazis in the garage.

also: anyone remember amazing stories? i remember it as being an awesome series, but part of me tends to lean toward believeing that, now that i am an adult, it's total crap.

Monday, November 27, 2006

the saddest story ever told.

i want a cat. an orange cat. named floyd. i have wanted a cat for years. i had a cat growing up named oliver, and i loved him. he was white with orange spots and an orange-and-white-striped tail, and he was fat and lazy and sweet. since i have moved out of my parents' house 11 years ago, i have lived in dorm rooms, shared houses, and apartments - 14 in all, and none of them but the one i live in now allowed pets. oliver died when i was living in dorm room number 5. i will never forgive my college boyfriend for how utterly unsympathetic he was when oliver died. here is a transcript:

2:45 am. i have just returned from working at the bar. my boyfriend is asleep. i see four new messages on my answering machine but i am a very good girlfriend and don't listen to them so that i don't disturb him. my phone rings. it's my mom.
me: who died?
mom: it was oliver . . .
i start crying. my boyfriend shifts in bed. from the context of the conversation - "he died at the vet's office?" and "are you going to bury him in the backyard?" - it is probably pretty clear that i am talking about my cat and not, say, my father. but i am crying, and my boyfriend is tossing and turning. i am pissed that he does not get out of bed, sit next to me and hold my hand, even look at me. when i hang up i am still sniffling.
him: would you mind turning off the light?
me: oh. i am SO FUCKING SORRY to inconvenience you.
he sits up.
him: look, i'm sorry that oscar died or whatever, but you don't need to take it out on me.
me: OLIVER. his name is OLIVER. get the fuck out of my room. right now.
him: are you kidding?
me: GET OUT.
he does, with a very confused look on his face.
when we broke up a year later, i told him that i never forgave him for when my cat died, and he said "i know."

so now i finally live alone, in the apartment i have always wanted, and i have the boyfriend i have always wanted, and i decided that it is time to get the cat that i have always wanted. pos and i went and saw for your consideration (ehhh. i'd give it a C+. didn't love it) and to dinner last night with eb and sf, and they told us that they had just been at the petsmart down the street and they saw a couple of orange cats (possible floyds) that the anti-cruelty society is trying to find homes for. i got really excited and we went to check them out.

one cat was over 10 years old and gigantic - his name was mason, he looked like a feral bobcat, and he was awesome, although maybe a little scary. the card hanging on his cage said that his owner had to be moved to a retirement facility and that he wasn't good with children. pos said that his card failed to mention that he had eaten his elderly owner's face off, and that the retirement facility was the morgue.

i got to play with two cats - one was an orange cat named peaches who was small and sweet and purred a lot. the other had gorgeous shiny black-and-gray-striped fur and was kinda fat and playful - very awesome. his name was simpson. all of these cats have to be renamed.

the best thing about simpson was his pretty emerald eyes - which were crossed. for real. you couldn't look him in the face without laughing at how ridiculous he looked. the petsmart guy was really fond of him (his card said "this cross-eyed cutie needs a loving home!") and i could tell that he wanted me to like simpson, because most normal people would want the sweet little orange kitty over the retarded-looking cross-eyed one. of course simpson is the one that everyone insisted that i had to get, and i agreed. on the walk to the car we talked about what i could rename him - i jokingly suggested radio - and i was looking forward to the anti-cruelty society calling me about my application, which was actually pretty time-consuming, as it wanted my landlord's number (to make sure i can actually have a cat), asked me what i would do if my cat kept me up all night (eb told me that the correct answer was to play with and exercise my cat at night so that it would be tired), and wanted to know if i would have it declawed (the correct, anti-cruel answer would be no). they even wanted to know what times i would be available for a house visit to ensure that my cat was in a safe environment. i doubt that prospective foster parents for real live children have to fill out such a long application.

at home i realized that my left eye was really itchy and that my chin felt funny - kinda swollen. i was wearing a v-neck sweater, and the skin that was exposed when i carried the cats around was red and splotchy. then white bumps and weird raised lines rose up.

long story short: i want a cat, and i am now allergic to them. what a pisser.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

i love the mozzer

i have an ever-shrinking list of bands and musicians whom i have never seen in concert and really want to. other than people who are dead (kurt cobain, the beatles, jeff buckley, otis redding) and bands that are most likely to never reunite (the smiths), my list is getting short. radiohead. david gray. U2. ummmm . . . hmmm. i know that there are more, there must be, but those are the three that i most want to see.

i most likely wont ever get to see the smiths, but i had the next-best thing last night, as i saw morrissey play his only US tour date at the aragon. i love him; not the way that some people (like the flower-carrying girl in all black who was trying to talk her way past security last night before the show) worship him, but i do really love him. i was not disappointed at all. he looked gorgeous for pushing 50 (he took his shirt off and threw it into the audience before the encore, thus probably giving some arm cutter a new reason to live), he sounded great, and his band - six guys in matching vests and ties - were awesome. i don't have a lot of his new albums (he called ringleader of the tormentors "triple-platinum" - he was kidding) but he played a lot of old solo stuff and some rad old smiths songs - "panic," "girlfriend in a coma," "how soon is now," "every day is like sunday," "disappointed." i really wanted to hear "suedehead" (favorite morrissey song) or "stop me if you think that you've heard this one before," but the encore was "please please please let me get what i want this time," which is gorgeous and perfect. he changed the words to "let me get who i want/lord knows it would be the first time." loved it.

i drank a few beers and was so happy to be there with pos, and said all sorts of mushy shit to him, and he was like "did you eat dinner?" - meaning "are you drunk?" it was cute.

by the way, the opening act, kristeen young, was this horrible, loud, shrieky kate-bush-esque creepy girl on a keyboard with a drummer. ick.

read the sun-times review here.

also, i am fascinated by the fact that morrissey has a very strong and devoted mexican-american fan base, and i saw a large number of latinos at the show. chuck klosterman wrote a great article called "viva morrissey!" for spin that was later reprinted in a da capo best music writing anthology. i can't find the article anywhere online, other than the opening paragraph:

"People feel nervous around Cruz Rubio. That's unfair, but it's true. He looks like a badass: Dude is twenty years old, he's from East Los Angeles, the sleeves are ripped off his flannel shirt, and he looks like an extra from the movie Colors. I have no doubt whatsoever that he could kick the shit out of me on principle. But I am not nervous around Cruz Rubio. I am not nervous, because he is telling me how Morrissey makes him weep.

"'Some nights I lay in my bedroom and I listen to 'There Is a Light That Never Goes Out,' and I cry,' he tells me. 'I cry and cry and cry. I cry like a little bitch, man.'"

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

i find the smoking gun's mugshots collection to be inspiring.

i don't have any tattoos. for years i was sort of planning on getting a question mark tattooed onto the knuckle of my big toe on the right foot, but this never happened, and i am in no serious rush to get it; in fact, i probably never will, and that's just fine. my mom has always had a big problem with tattoos - she hates them, and once said to me, for real, "if you ever get either an abortion or a tattoo, i never want to hear about it." that's how much she hates them, and yes, she really did equate the two (guess what, she really hates abortions, too).

pos has two tattoos, one on each calf, and i told him that he is going to have to keep those hidden from my mom so that she will continue to love him as much as she does. pos came home with me this weekend. i think my dad said more to him in the 20 hours that we were at their house than he has said to me all year - it was quite remarkable to listen to him talk and talk. so pos passed the parent test. i knew he would. he's just going to have to never do this or this to his face.

i've posted this before but it never gets old: photo collection of really bad tattoos. holy shit! they have added a fourth page and someone has a fucking chris burke, aka "corky" from life goes on, portrait tattooed onto their body! insert requisite "how retarded" comment here.

oj, kramer and polygamists: all assholes

that oj bullshit interview and book, about how he killed his ex-wife and her friend because he's a classic wife-beater "if i can't have you no one will" brutal savage motherfucker and can pretty much say anything he wants now because he was acquitted and can't be retried, was cancelled. well, good. and now he needs to do everyone - including his children - a favor and kill himself.

i don't have much to say about michael richard/ kramer's insane diatribe and limp apology, other than that, once again, i don't understand how you can say "even though i said all that shit, i'm not a racist." i don't believe mel gibson, those frat boy losers who are suing over the statements that they made on camera in borat, or this loser when they all say that "normally, under regular circumstances, like when i am sober or not angry or not on camera, i would NEVER say things like that. i'm not a racist or anything." well, douchebags, you are. admit it. and get help. or make things easier on everyone and call oj and set up a suicide pact.

utah is working to decriminalize polygamy. they're trying to reframe it like it's gay marriage - something that consenting adults who want to marry one another should be able to do. um. well. i guess, if that's what you really wanna do . . . but ewww. NO. they're still going after the child rapers and freaks, like the Kingston family, which is "seven brothers accused of incest who are thought to have fathered more than 600 children." i've seen big love and i doubt that most polygamists look like the cast of that show. or have any money.

this headline made me happy . . . until i read the article and see that bloggers can post stuff that other people said, but are not immune to being sued for libel for stuff that they write. whatevs. all of my opinions on who is a douchebag and who is awesome are all quite factual.

Friday, November 17, 2006

so. gd. bored.

it's friday and i am bored. please note that the time stamp of when i post can easily be changed, so i could HYPO-THETICALLY be blogging at work and then saying that i posted at 8:30 pm. it would, technically, be possible. so please don't read "it's friday and i'm bored" and look down and see that i posted this at 8:30 pm and feel bad for me because i clearly don't have anything to do on a friday night; feel bad for me because i have to sit in a cubicle with 15 minutes' worth of work to stretch out into eight and a half hours. hypothetically speaking.

two little punk rock snippets for ya:

the wapo reports on the dc "capitol of punk" text tour, which i am totally going to do next time i'm there. you can also watch the video here.

iggy pop's tour rider is hysterical. it's totally stream-of-conciousness and funny.


more later. perhaps. must figure out what i can do for the next three hours.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

just some stuff for you to read

there are few people i hate more than oj simpson. dude is a straight-up psycho.

mc sent me this blog, which i thought was high-larious. i happen to like horses in general, but i like assholeness sometimes even more.

a lot of my (dork) friends take part in fantasy sports leagues. i will never forget the amazing meeting of the minds that took place in my front room in 2003, when ecf and rb had a bunch of people over to draft their fantasy basketball teams - there was a long sheet of paper that jh stole from his students' art room hung on the wall so that they could properly write in their picks, and it stayed up for a while. what's even MORE dorky? ds sent me this - it's a fantasy CONGRESS league. damn. even when i really did live in dc, and would go to receptions for the free wine and so i could see politicians i admire speak, i would never have participated in this.

remember how i posted not too long ago about how much i hated having to look for clothes at wal-mart? well, this beats that. at least the $7 shoes weren't fashioned after NAZI GEAR. christ! could i POSSIBLY find wal-mart any more distasteful? the link is from the consumerist, a website that i had not been familiar with but now think is pretty awesome.

the new johnny cash video: awesome song. still torn on whether it's a great concept (it's supposed to be a part of the whole africa "red" campaign) or it's an appalling cred-builder for losers. wtf with some of the people who randomly show up?

technically, angry young men are not funny. but they are when they post on craig's list - especially when the topic is "to the women who work in my office . . . i hate you." my favorite part: "Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don’t insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone."

the ny times interviewed christopher guest!

denmark pays for its indie bands to tour america, thus acting as ambassadors!

my mom was right about dungeons and dragons being satanic and driving you to kill!

who was the better 80s rock band, R.E.M. or U2? i know how i feel about this huge moral quandary but i am not yet ready to discuss it.

david copperfield: insanely sexy, with the most useful skills, and his magic is so strong that he can FIGHT CRIME. swoooooon.

finally saw borat. of all of the things to note - and there are PLENTY - i think that my favorite line was "he's a real chocolate face - not makeup!"

Monday, November 13, 2006

tasted better than lucky charms, smelled better than irish spring.

jc and tc have a blog now. it's called "les misc" and is about miscellaneousness, which is usually what their lives are all about anyway. they post from guest bloggers, and i have already taken them up on the offer (cloaked in a double-mysterious web of disguise and intrigue), and you should, too. check it every day:

also, i updated the dlisted link on the right because rm is too goddamned lazy to bookmark it and asked me to fix it.

ecf sent this on, noting that "sometimes hippies get it right." as the website states, "This is the First Annual Winter Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace, leading up to Winter Solstice of 2012, when the Mayan Calendar ends with a new beginning." this would be the perfect night to host a cuddle party.

hey, fellow dorks: this star wars commercial from cinemax featuring coldplay's "fix you" is awesome. thanks to tb for the link. for the record, he has been geeking out on star wars for the entire almost-30 years that i have known him, and he shows no signs of ever letting up.

my friend ee is going to be a contestant on jeopardy! so awesome - she's flying out to LA the week after thanksgiving to tape, and i hope that she's out there for a long time and makes a shitload of cash and that she acts just like sean connery when he is a celebrity guest. the penis mightier.

am sent me this list of "the ten most disappointing rock n roll offspring," and i concur. i like the other top-ten lists that are linked at the bottom of the page, too.

pos and i wandered into some random corner shop near my apartment a few weeks ago so i could pick up some cigs. it is just like every other corner store - newsstand, cooler with drinks, dusty shelves full of food you wouldn't buy. but then we noticed that the candy shelf next to the register is full of stuff that you usually only find in the UK or at world market - coffee crisp, double decker, aero bars, yorkie (which the wrapper says is "not for girls!" - hahah, odd marketing ploy), and my favorite, violet crumble. also, the cooler is full of imported energy drinks and soda, and the shelves have lots of british digestives and biscuits. we looked in the freezer and they had bangers, irish brown bread and irish bacon. let me add that the owner of this store, a very nice man who sits at the register and is pleasant enough, is decidedly not from ireland - or anywhere near ireland. anyway, this was all very exciting for me, and we decided that instead of going to brunch as we do every sunday, we would actually cook. let me tell you, this was the best meal i have had in forever. i am a huge fan of breakfast, and i only like to eat meat when it's served up with eggs and toast. pos cooked the bangers and bacon and i made the eggs and tea. we didn't bother with the tomatoes and we didn't see any black and white pudding (which i looooove) at the store, so it technically wasn't as perfectly traditional as it could have been, but i hadn't had a breakfast that good since i was actually in ireland. check out how rad my little tea set is, which i actually got at meadows & byrne in galway, and get totally jealous over how muthafuckin delicious that all looks.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

more election results . . .

this is from my friend daniel sumrall, who ran for congress as a green . . . and scored about 3084 more votes than i know i would have. here is his website. i love the photo he uses, as he is pointing his rooker at someone, lecturing them, as he did on a regular basis to me at 3 am in a basement dorm room in 1997.

Hey Everybody

With all the 3rd district polling places reporting I have a final vote count. This year I succeeded in securing the party line and there will be a Green Party line on the ballot come 2008 for the US House of Representatives. This was the goal of the campaign.

Total we received 3089 votes for 1.5%. Here in New Haven we earned the most votes out of all Green candidates (including the Green candidate for Governor and US Senate) with 689 (3%). Check out the details here.

Anywits. This was cool and having over 3000 people vote for you is fucking amazing. Everyone of you should run for something, because we're all smart, honest, and good looking. Well, you were all really cool and supportative--thank you.

Big thanks to everyone who contributed--send me your mailing addresses and I'll send you some campaign souvenirs

And Big thanks to Megan for designing the Sumrall for Congress logo

You all rock
Take care, be well & be safe

i am proud to be an american

today made me really happy.

also, check out the fantastic dan savage op-ed in the nyt about closeted freaks who get what they deserve. so awesome that an op-ed that he wrote is published the day that i find out that rick santorum is voted out. he may be out of the senate, but he will always be in the sheets.

let the mighty eagle soar, motherfuckers!

the cheese factor on this is sorta lame, but i likey anyway.

and just cuz it's funny: pos sent me this. i forgot that sarah silverman was in the way of the gun. she was credited, according to imdb, as "raving bitch." watch the volume - nsfw.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

full disclosure: i did not return the rad black and white 80s rubber bracelets from the lewisburg wal-mart jewelry dept.

i haven't posted the first ipod shuffle of the day song in . . . oh, forever. and this isn't today's first shuffle song but my current favorite - harvey danger's "little round mirrors." it's off of their album that they posted for free on their website last year and is still up. i never thought i would say this, as harvey danger is a band that i only have vague recollections of as being a mid-90s one-hit-wonder, but i highly recommend it - go get it here.

my favorite lyrics from the song: "a shooting star is/a little piece of/cosmic debris desperately wanting to fall to earth/it doesn't get too far/it's not a real star/it's hardly even worth footnotes in your memoir."

anyway, i get mildly obsessed with one song at a time and overplay it until i am sick of it and move on to the next one. i'll let you know what its replacement is when i figure that out.

i'm watching kingpin right now. bill murray rules.

saw lady sov last night with pos, jmk and jmk's totally trashed friend who was visiting from columbus, w. w was super friendly and nice. when i say "super friendly" i mean that he was telling pos within ten minutes of meeting him that he was a fine-looking man and that if he were gay he'd want him, and when i say "nice" i mean that he took quite a shine to me and told pos what a lucky lucky man he is. he didn't just say these things once or twice; like most shitfaced individuals, he made sure that his point was made repeatedly. he was actually really funny and bought us beer, so no harm. lady sov didn't start until 12:45 am or so, and the show was good, but the mic was turned down too low and a lot of the songs sounded too similar to one another. it was fun, though. she's rad.

you know what would suck? amnesia. they don't doubt this guy, like some people doubt the guy that the film unknown white male was about.

you know what else would suck? dying, and then people saying shitty things about you on your online memorial page.

reading this article about how wal-mart made the mistake of carrying clothes that are too trendy made me laugh. because when i was in west virginia this last week, and my bag didn't make it to lewisburg (i blame the layover in pittsburgh), and all i had were my jeans and skull shoes (which were just sorta okay for going to my business dinner the night before but were in no way appropriate for my day of meetings), i had to go to the 24-hour wal-mart to find a suitable outfit. i don't shop at wal-mart, and it's not only because their clothes are hideous (it's also the anti-union, anti-community, anti-living-wage thing). i was not happy about having to go to a ruralass wal-mart and spend an hour and a half buying things that i needed for the night (toothbrush, hair stuff, contacts case) and clothes for work when all of my own personal, perfect items were somewhere in transit to roanoke (to then be driven an hour and a half to lewisburg to be delivered to my hotel before 8 am, which i seriously doubted was going to happen). so i went to wal-mart, and i tried on, oh, i don't know, like seven different pants and skirts with about a dozen shirts that looked vaguely professional, and they were all so poorly-made and the fabric was so gross i was mortified with the prospect of having to be in public wearing them, much less on a site visit where i would meet lots of new people and represent my company. i settled on a pair of (too short - i'm a tall girl) black pants and a lame button-down, and i grabbed some black trouser socks to alleviate the issue of my floodwaters, and i spent a solid half-hour looking at their terrible shoes, cursing my size 11 feet, before biting the bullet and selecting a horrible pair of black flats that cost, i shit you not, $7. i was t.h.r.i.l.l.e.d. when my suitcase actually made it at 6 am and i went back to the wal-mart to return everything. the customer service woman looked at my receipt, saw that i was returning bags and bags of things that i had purchased ten hours before and asked if there was a problem. i was like "not anymore!"

saw babel on friday. it was the perfect movie to end last week (i was super crabby all week), because it was long and depressing, and we had to sit in the fourth row, which i hate. the movie was good, very well-made and had fabulous acting, don't get me wrong, but it was the wrong pick. pos and i wanted to see borat but the theater was playing it on at least five screens and every show was sold out. i hadn't seen lines like that since lord of the rings or star wars. i was surprised; i mean, i know that i really want to see it, and all of my friends are excited for it, but i didn't expect it to be a blockbuster runaway hit. it's probably because borat is so crazy sexy plus nice, yes?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

happy halloween.

this would be my brother (who is almost 33 years old) and marley.

the hotel i'm staying at tonight is supposedly haunted. whatever. i aint scaired.

Monday, October 30, 2006

i'm sure i'm alone in this, but i love weekends.

saw running with scissors. it wasn't as funny or touching as the book, but it was enjoyable. it could have been a half-hour shorter, but the set design was perfect in its mid-70s hideousness. oh, and gwyneth paltrow actually says the word "fishsticks" aloud, which is what michael k calls her on dlisted, so that made me happy.

also saw moxie motive at subterranean last night. i know that you don't know who they are (they don't even have a proper ep out) but you ought to, and YOU WILL.

went to the peanut butter wolf and madlib chrome children tour show at the metro on saturday night. i don't know what the hell happened, but before madlib even came on i had to sit downstairs at smartbar for lots of water and a coke and then pos took me across the street for a corndog and soup (good boyfriend) because it was like i had roofied myself. i blame the trumer pils i had before the show. it's served in a really big test tube. the bad food worked its magic - i was totally fine and we went to jmk's and mc's halloween party. they kept insisting that you had to wear a costume if you were gonna show up, so i went as jmk. i'm always mocking his monogrammed button-downs, so pos gave me an old shirt - see photo. i didn't bother with the facial hair or glasses, but i think i got the point across. pos was going to go as a serial killer (they look just like everyone else, see?) but js found some lady sov paper masks in the metro's women's room, some sort of random marketing effort, so he wore one of those. he looked totally believable. well, maybe like a foot and a half too tall. we have tickets to see her next weekend - should be awesome. she played the 9:30 club in dc and it sounds like it was a great show.

pos and i were in a cab around 2:30 am when we left the party and drove past wrigley field, and there were hoardes of costumed drunkards spilling out of the bars. i pointed out that halloween is the only night that many girls feel free to wear the skankiest clothes they own - naughty nurse and slutty nun and little lolita and boobtastic dorothy etc. i was once getting pizza on 18th street in dc after a halloween party (dressed as courtney love and just as snarly) when a girl walked in wearing a costume only one modesty step above a frederick's of hollywood crotchless dominatrix outfit. and it was probably 40 degrees outside, and i couldn't tell if her gangsta boyfriend was in a costume or not. anyway, we saw all sorts of stumbling half-naked drunk girls and were commenting on this when the cab driver said, in his high-pitched accent, "and then they're surprised when they get raped at the end of the night!" pos and i looked at each other and started laughing, more out of surprise at his comment than its (lack of) humor, and the cabbie started laughing and was like "sluts!!!" eeks. reminds me of why i am amazed at the amount of trust i give to the various cab drivers i have ever hired - you walk drunk into the street and get into a stranger's car and then TELL HIM WHERE YOU LIVE and when you get there you actually give him money. eww. things i don't like thinking about.

another totally random comment: pos and i were gonna go to kitsch'n for dinner sunday but it was closed, so we went to costello's for sammiches. the guy at the counter was mid-20s and totally normal, and he paused while he took our order and said "you guys smell great, by the way." then he paused and said, "it's been a long day," acknowledging that what he had just said was really odd. we were laughing but i could feel my face turning totally red. perhaps i was embarrassed for him.

echo sent this to me. npr is funny, but drug-addict cocker spaniels are actually a really serious domestic issue.

going to west virginny for work. i'll be there for less than 24 hours. work is ridiculous, innit it?

Thursday, October 26, 2006

i really miss all of those fuckers sometimes . . .

i must say that i have, really, the coolest friends. they're all so smart and creative and rads and funny. go here for am's blog - she posted the pumpkins that she and the other new york crew carved. mad props to lk for her randomass "monkey smoking a pipe" pumpkin, but my favorite is rm's recreation of this threadless t-shirt.

most of the new york crew are friends that i made in dc, before we all scatted here and there. the four years i spent in dc (july of 2000 until july 2004) were more educational and fulfilling than the four i spent in college. i feel bad for people who settled down early - call me selfish, but i firmly believe that your 20s are for figuring out who you are, what you want, and trying new things, with room for fucking up built in. i think that you should live with your friends and travel and spend every dollar you earn on yourself. i'll be 30 in a few months and i no longer want to do all of the shit that was normal when i was 25, but i am so happy that i did what i wanted when i wanted for a nice long stretch. i look at dc with starry-eyed nostalgia - it is the only city that i could have spent those four years in and be the person i am right now - and this craig's list post hit home.

more later. feel like i have neglected the blog.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

i am in an abusive relationship (with my ipod)

spent part of my lunch hour at the "genius bar" in the apple store. had to swap out my ipod. again. this is literally the sixth ipod i have had. advice: pay the $60 for the one-year extended warranty. you're gonna need it.

people always ask me what i "do" to my ipod to make it break every three months. i listen to it every day, yes, between one and twelve hours. i keep it charged. i keep the software updated. i have it in a light blue leather carrying case when we're out. i keep it in the bose ipod stereo when we're home. i treat it real nice. i thought that we were friends. i thought that we trusted one another. i thought that . . . oh my god, i can't believe i thought this . . . that i loved my ipod. and i thought that my ipod loved me. DIDN'T I TREAT YOU RIGHT? didn't i?

whatever, BITCH. i just traded you in for a new one. all it takes is like 10 hours to transfer all 11,000+ songs over and then i am SO OVER YOU.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

i enjoy attending cultural activities in my community.

scored free tickets to see cold war kids at schuba's on friday; it was a lot like when i saw ok go there - jane magazine (which i got so sick of i don't even bother with anymore) and lacoste sponsored a free show at schuba's with an open bar and a weird buffet of like chicken wings, and the crowd was 85 percent girls. this one was sponsored by knob creek, so the only open bar was if you wanted bourbon or whiskey or whatever it is that knob creek is; we did not take advantage of the booze but the show was great. there was a girl with a head full of curlers in attendance; i fucking hate hipsters, if that's what she considers herself. like, that is a pointless declaration of "i am DIFFERENT (just like all of my friends)."

speaking of weirdos in the audience who throw you off, just got back from seeing fat pig with pos, tb and js. it was sooo good - neil labute is really dark and awesome, and the cast was perfect. basically, it's about a yuppie business guy who meets an overweight girl and totally falls for her - they laugh a lot and, when they're alone, feel totally comfortable with one another and get along really well. he is, of course, totally confused and torn about how others view her and how they must think of him, since she's a fatty. the dialogue was totally cutting - there are only four characters - tom and helen (the couple) and tom's two co-workers, the asshole friend and the hot girl in accounting who tom had briefly dated but found to be too vapid and demanding. he hides helen from them and when they find out about her they're absolutely perfect as case studies in how shallow and evil people can be when it comes to appearances. it was so well-written and real, and i really liked it. the problem, of course, was that the theater was very small and was arranged so that the audience sat on two sides so you could see everyone on the other side (and there were probably less than 50 people total there). one woman sat in the front row on the other side and was totally distracting in how bizarre she was - she took the whole play so seriously (perhaps taking it all a bit too personally, the whole people-judge-you-in-unfair-ways thing) that she was staring and gasping and silently emoting and covering her face with her hands and basically just looked totally deranged. of course, we were all trying not to laugh at how crazed she was, which just made concentrating really difficult. and then she was staring at us and i was worried that she was going to say something to us afterwards, as she sort of lurked near the stage and kept looking at us. um, please don't hurt me. i certainly wasn't laughing at the play, which clearly struck a very bizarre chord with her. regardless, i highly recommend seeing it. i really thought that the cast was excellent and i just wish that i hadn't been so distracted by how weird that woman was.

of course, i kept fucking with pos in the car when he drove me home, asking why he's hiding me from his friends and family, if he's ashamed of me. i was clearly kidding. he's meeting my mom on wednesday. we've been dating for six weeks. we're totally retarded. it's so cute. i like that he's friends with my brother. i like that we knew eachother for a year before we realized how much we liked one another. i'm gonna stop talking (typing) about it, though, because the last thing i want is to make my blog my Personal Internet Diary. i don't even like talking about my blog. pos calls it "that thing we don't talk about" - like "oh, i saw that on that thing we don't talk about" when i mention like a youtube link or something. i'm not gonna talk about him or our relationship (um, i sorta slipped and am right now), but six weeks? hahahahah.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

NOW i know why there is a slit up the side of the rectal rocket jmk proudly showed me, as he pocketed two of them.

back from vegas. i have very little to say other than one of the medical supply company's booths in the convention hall were giving away rectal rocket suppositories and that i won $100.50 off of a ten dollar bill at a wheel of fortune slot machine at the circus circus casino, which is a total fucking dump but which i love.

links - i have tons but am pretty tired right now and probably wont post all of them because after the sangria i had tonight and the week i just had i pretty much just want bed right now.

if you live in chicago or know someone here that needs a place, please rent jc's apartment. i get to help her move saturday morning!

i love the bunny-movie-synopsis-in-30-seconds cartoons - here is fight club. bitch tits. thanks to pos for the link.

hbs sent me this article on just how environmentally sound it is to purchase/download music online, compared to buying a cd at a store or having it mailed to you because you bought it over the internet. huh. shit you never really think about.

sorta juvenile but pretty enjoyable: when album art goes to war. click here for video. thanks to tb.

a note to my single friends who are boys: beware, unless you wanna be a babydaddy.

that's all i got for now. i'm out of cigarettes and it's time to sleep.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

viva las vegas, etc etc.

in vegas for work. this is the first internet connection i have found. i am sitting at the back of a room while a consultant speaks to one of the groups i'm in charge of. there isn't internet in my room at the hilton (nor is there a coffee pot or hbo or even good lighting - they pretty much want you to hate your room so that you go gamble downstairs), and i have been busy running around for work (we're having a big convention - i'm here for five nights). i wrote must of the shit in this post before i left, but my free (decent wireless signal) internet at my apartment was out. i sincerely hope that this isn't the end of my illustrious career as a wireless thief.

i haven't been able to do anything fun while i've been here. i did go get dinner with jk and ab. YEAH we went to the star trek restaurant in the hotel, and YEAH it was super lame. the beer sampler was good (they were all dyed different colors - out of this world!!!) and i only ordered what i ordered because its name was so fucking retarded (flaming ribs of targon). i didn't understand any of the star trek references on the very-hard-to-understand-if-you-have-social-skills menu and it was soooo awkward when this woman dressed like a klingon or whatever walked up to our table and stared at me and then spoke with this bizarre accent and i just sort of stared back at her and i really wanted her to leave and i also really wanted to find out about her as a person who probably makes $10 an hour with no insurance and has kids and probably just makes the best of her situation. i want to know how one just decides to walk through a casino restaurant in a klingon outfit, professionally.

also: there is a star trek wedding chapel at the hotel. must try to get a tour of that.

ps - i don't even like star trek. i liked the wrath of khan movie when i was like eight years old, but that hardly classifies me as a social retard.

pos and i saw okkervil river at schuba's last sunday. i don't know anything about them other than that they are from austin and that i totally adore the song "black" and i really appreciated how good they are - indie-folk (there was a mandolin) but less annoying than bright eyes, and they rocked out. the lead singer apparently had his zipper open for most of the show and when he noticed he said "did you guys see that my fly has been undone this whole time? and did you guys see that i don't have human sex organs?" funny.

i laughed louder, though, on monday, when i saw tv on the radio at the metro. there was a smoke machine that was getting a little overused (actually, any use of a smoke machine is overuse) and the guitarist said "could the wizard in charge of the smoke please keep your magic to yourself?" LOVED that. that show was totally badass. pitchfork reviews the show here. i got pretty drunk on accident, but i do recall that my favorite song of the night was "staring at the sun," which was introduced as "stars are blind," that fucking horrible raggae-ish song that paris hilton recorded (and was overdubbed with a robot). you know what? i fucking hate that piece of white trash shit so much i don't think i will ever mention her again on this blog. sorry i even said her name once. SO USELESS. i could go off on a major tangent about how utterly disgusting her conspicuous consumerism is, and how repulsive - truly repulsive - i find her public claims that she is a BRAND and not merely just a fleshbot of america's worst qualities. i could but i wont.

my friend jl is in town for a month doing a rotation at northwestern hospital (cornell med school - yeah, she's a complete idiot), and we wanted to hang out before i left town, so she asked if i wanted to go see this blogger who has a new book read at borders. she sent me an email saying that she read the book (borrowed from a friend who gave it a glowing recommendation) and didn't like it, found it to be only mildly amusing, if only because the author is this shameless must-tell-my-most-private-details-loudly-to-anyone-who-will-listen new york yuppie who wants everyone to find her to be a faaaabulous divorcee with martini and clothes addictions and will let everyone, including her dad, know about whose dick she most recently sucked . . . which i find to be soooo 2000, very sex in the city, totally played out. she's preggers with twins (she and the babydaddy got married like a month ago) and totally self-obsessed and her writing is weak at best. sorry, but i don't know why people get book deals (and, ahem, are working with nbc to create a show based on her life) to publish memoirs when all they have to say about themselves is that they have low self-esteem and once hooked up with a guy who wore a mesh thong. here is her list of things about her - a very good example of how grating she is. also, i assumed that she was fairly middle-aged, but then saw in some article that she is in fact a mere 29 (same as me). bitch looks busted.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

some secrets should stay that way.

another postsecret card.

this is clearly about cuddle parties. i do not approve.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

i'm having a cuddle party, but carol isn't invited.

it's interesting that i came across this article on how hand- holding is a fundamental act of intimacy (slow news week, nyt?) the same week that i found this website via popbitch - a really creepy "super positive!!" couple hosts cuddle parties in new york, and you can become a cuddle coach and host your own parties. they're about three hours long, you show up in pajamas, and you non-sexually hold and touch and cuddle with strangers. um. no. be sure to read the FAQs.

i believe that news biscuit is the british version of the onion (i still love the onion more, even if i often wish i lived in the uk). the article is okay, but this headline is fucking funny.

speaking of the elderly, my porch is undergoing a very strange renaissance. i called the building owner after the prowler incident and we talked about the issue that is my porch - my pigeon-feces-covered, cluttered, dangerous, junk-sale-esque porch, all compliments of carol, the deranged 85-year-old who lives next to me and doesn't know how to properly share the space that is supposedly both of ours - and he said the funniest thing. he's eastern european, i think, and he said in his heavy accent, explaining how he would rectify the situation, "you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna send over some guys who don't speak english and have them clean off your porch." i thought that he was kidding, but apparently he sent some workers over to replace some beams and railings, and they clearly threw half of her shit away. we're down to the plastic lawn chairs, the kids school desk, a plant, random plastic bottles (um, carol, why do you have a bottle of sodium chloride on the porch?), and some glass bricks, but you can actually walk back there now.

i wanna see the new scorsese movie - nicholson, damon, (m) sheen, (a) baldwin, (m) wahlberg, even little leonardo dicaprio makes good movies, always to my surprise. here is a list of the top-ten nicholson movie moments. i totally love this prank call to a woman using only jack's courtroom dialogue from a few good men. also, here is a wapo article about how jack is elderly but still rad.

te told me about this at the bar on friday - and it's a good example of why i don't watch or read the local news (i'd rather not know). some chicago handyman loner guy held a woman captive in a retrofitted sex closet for three days, feeding her water and brown sugar and raping her. the owner of his building is all like "oh, he hasn't had a girlfriend in like 10 years. keeps to himself." fucking scary! reminds me of buffalo bill. when pos and i first started dating (like a month ago - feels a lot longer, but in a good way) he would call me "it," just as buffalo bill would ("it puts the lotion in the basket"). he would say "i hope it enjoyed itself tonight" and "i got it home before 10:30!" and this, friends, is one of the many reasons why he is the best bf i've ever had.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

another postsecret card

not a secret so much as really good advice.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


i don't have very many links today. except for this one.

went to the sbe vol iv exchange tonight. see, me and my friends are nerds, and sb started an "experiment" (hence the E in sbe) where you take a group of co-worker friends, all very different but all very cool, and have them make mix cds for one another on a quarterly basis. this way you get all sorts of new stuff that you probably wouldn't have otherwise, and even if you hate most of the songs that everyone contributes, you're bound to like a few randoms. like, how did i not know about ram jam's "black betty" before? and, like, i'm not going to actually buy a kelly clarkson cd, but if you want to put her on a mix for me, i will secretly listen to it. we do themes, and this time was a secret theme - put a bunch of songs together and make everyone guess. tc did a mix with songs that remind her of someone (her selection for me: hanson, of course), pjl did a timeline of his favorite songs since he was a kid (starting with run-dmc's "it's tricky" and ending with tv on the radio's "let the devil in"), avg did covers, and sb did body parts ("head like a hole" and "a rush of blood to the head" and songs by tool and bush - hahahah). i need to pick a theme and run with it. i could do guilty pleasures, but some of my choices would be much too embarrassing to actually give to other people. i have lots of rad covers, but that feels a little lazy. maybe colors - white stripes, red hot chili peppers, black rebel motorcycle club. maybe i ought to just fucking come up with something.

random, but true: we discovered that "purple rain" (inclusion on the colors mix?) is the perfect "party's over, get the fuck out" song on saturday night. i had long given up being dj and someone turned it on pretty late into the night and someone else said, "hey! that's 'get the fuck out' music!" and, magically, almost everyone did. i was also out of beer.

new christopher guest movie trailer here. ricky gervais is in it!

the post is a month and a half old, but you can still pick up the new(ish) veruca salt single "so weird" on stereogum, which was the song louise/the band opened with last friday when i saw her/them. be sure to check out the bitchy comments at the bottom of the page. i don't know, i kinda like that song.

pos and i saw american buffalo last night. it was really great - three actors, one set (a pawn/junk shop in the early 70s), planning to rob some guy of a buffalo-head nickel. david mamet's dialogue is sharp and there was good use of violence. there was even a crew bio for the "fight choreographer" in the program - he is apparently "one of fourteen Fight Masters with the Society of American Fight Directors." i kinda want that job. the show is currently in previews so i got free tickets and there were probably only 30 people tops in the theater. we were in the front row and i was worried that bobby was going to bleed all over me.

new postsecret card

love it.

Monday, October 02, 2006

"falling in love, my walkman and me, with david bowie. yeah-eah. (you betcha!)"

haven't properly blogged in a while. it's pouring and lightning and thundering like crazy outside. i left my window open and my tv and dvd player (cyberhome, which is perhaps the cheesiest home-appliance name ever, $30 at best buy, tempermental, probably now dead) got wet. only have one cig left and there is no way i'm walking the one block to the mini-mart to get another pack. since i'm trapped inside and am too scared to plug in the tv, i may as well make good use of the situation. as long as my electricity is still holding up.

i happen to like snarky/clever t-shirts. don't get me wrong, they are usually worn by total tools who could never come up with the funny line on their chest on their own, and i do not buy t-shirts that say anything other than maybe a band's name, but seeing a shirt with something stupid like "free mustache rides" written on it at the store makes me laugh. i am a big fan of the homemade t-shirt as well. tc rocked her "i heart skinny boys" shirt at my party this weekend, which her bff made with iron-on letters, and i had a shirt that read "cunning linguist" made for ag for her birthday last year (cuz she's a writer and a lesbian. get it? get it?). my friends in high school had a really bad punk band called cunts on ice and i changed the B on an old-school cubs polyester ringer shirt into an NT and wrote ON ICE underneath. my english teacher made me keep my ubiquitous zipper sweatshirt on over it. BITCH!!! just kidding. i wouldn't wear a homemade shirt that had the word cunts on it anymore, but i think it's funny that i did when i was a smartass 17-year-old. anyway, the kiddies in high school are wearing all sorts of sexually suggestive shirts these days and the parents and school boards are all worried and what's wrong with the kids today they just keep getting worse and worse and growing up faster and faster and blah blah blah. the wapo investigates here.

the nyt doesn't buy the whole "the raconteurs are just four dudes who make music" thing - they know that people only pay attention because it's mr white.

it's horribly amusing that jared leto said that he thinks that "blogs should die a sudden death," because that's precisely what i think of him.

how much do i fucking love david bowie? he's still hott, god bless the elderly ex-addict, he has written some of the most interesting and amazing music of the past 25 years, his real name is davy jones, he inspires everyone from trent reznor to veruca salt, and he was awesome as warhol in basquiat. and then he goes and plays himself on the new ricky gervais (love him) show and just makes me love him even more. wish i was a somalian supermodel. watch here.

speaking of veruca salt, jmk and i saw them at the double door on friday. saying "i saw them" feels like a half-truth, as now it's just louise post and three people she hired to keep the band going. i loved them in high school, i loved their second album in college, and i loved the first post-break-up album the first year i lived in dc, which is a fascinating mess of rock songs louise wrote about hating nina gordon for leaving the band and about hating dave grohl for leaving her. she/they just released a new album that i suppose i'll look into acquiring but i'm not in any huge rush. the show was good - loud, fun to hear the old shit, the new stuff was pretty good - but, and i feel like a bitch for saying it, she looked horrible. like "i stopped doing coke because i'm gonna be 40 soon but i still wear the fake fur coat that was rad in 1996 and i gained some weight and bleach out my hair but if i stick a fake flower in it i'll look cute" bad. sorry louise. i feel like a bitch now. but i am happy that i got to see the band, even if it was really just a one-woman show. she doesn't need her anyway - the shit that nina's been releasing as a solo artist makes sheryl crow seem cutting edge.

here's a totally random headline.

saw jackass number two with pos last night. it was super fucking funny, of course. i didn't like all of the snakes, though - i mean, i understand that they need to keep pushing themselves to see just how fucked up they can get without being seriously hurt, but an anaconda hidden in a happy fun ball pen is enough to make me avoid chuck e. cheese for the rest of my life. there were some truly disgusting montages that caused everyone on screen (and the cameraman) to vomit, and that spike jonze is a funny little man. i can only recommend this movie if you are still secretly 14 years old (because i am).

i promise that if you come visit me in chicago i will show you all of this stuff and a lot more. (offer valid only for people i actually know).

goodfellas is one of my all-time-favorite movies (second only to beyond the valley of the dolls). when i was little i loved sesame street. this mashup makes me really really happy.