Tuesday, January 31, 2006

berate of the union address

tc and i are drinking beer and eating grapes while we watch the state of the union. i want to avoid blogging in real time - i'll leave that to political nerd bloggers.

tc is swearing at the screen. it hasn't even begun yet - they're just panning the smarmy crowd and giving shout-outs to the supremely lame court. they just said that cindy sheehan was the invited guest of a california democratic rep but that she was arrested on the capitol grounds. that story's gonna be an interesting one when details emerge.

so, it's veganism week. it's not a huge deal, from my perspective. i would like to be able to eat some animal byproducts, but it's not impossible to avoid them. i have discovered that soy milk is really super good with rice krispies, and trader joe's makes excellent vegan burritos. i have been eating a lot of trail mix for someone who doesn't like hiking or camping. amstel light is vegan, and for that, i am thankful.

i saw this website a while ago, and i was thrilled when ab forwarded it to me, because i had forgotten about it, and i'm starting to think that i am obsessed with meth. i think that all of these before-and-after photos are from one county. damn.

why is frida kahlo sitting next to laura bush and wearing a burka? (joke. sorry. what, they don't have tweezers where she's from? that IS oppressive).

jms alerted me to the fact that the matador records website has downloads, including off of the new cat power, pretty girls make graves, and belle & sebastian. rawk.

i just got tickets this weekend to see jenny lewis & the watson twins at park west in march. here is her album's myspace page, and here is her imdb page - she was in troop beverly hills, a really shitty shelley long movie, when she was a kid. she also guest-starred on "the golden girls," "mr belvedere," and "growing pains" (as, apparently, ben seever's first kiss). GOD she really actually is the coolest girl in the world. here is a new york times article that discusses her love of the tragic ladies of old-school country.

tc just called bush a "douche rocket." i love creative swearing.

harper lee is cool, and made her yearly public appearance, sorta like punxsutawney phil. this article says that she "lives with her 94-year-old sister, Alice, a lawyer who still practices, and keeps an apartment in New York" - i bet they are total partiers. i want harper, jd salinger and
thomas pynchon to do a book tour.

i think that fucker is trying to talk around the gay marriage issue. fuck you!!!!

i love in-n-out burgers! my ex bf worked in sen feinstein's office back in that very weird time period known as the fall of 2001, and he had to go back to her la office when anthrax hit the hill. i had to go to la for work, and we had an awesome time staying in manhattan beach, drinking wine, and going on an in-and-out run in his jeep at 2 am. i can't go to california without needing to stop and at least get a strawberry shake with the bible verse on the the bottom of the cup.

i have been aware of fred phelps since i was in high school and i rate him higher than oj simpson in people that i fucking hate, and i REALLY hate oj simpson. phelps and his followers are insane and hateful - their new attention-seeking ploy is to protest dead soldiers' funerals, pointing to the brilliant logic that god is displeased that america has gay people . . . yeah, i don't get it either. they are masters of tactlessness: "Though the soldiers were not gay, the protesters say the deaths, as well as Hurricane Katrina, recent mining disasters and other tragedies are God's signs of displeasure. They also protested at the memorial service for the 12 West Virginia miners who died in the Sago Mine." GOD. fuck off already!!! i'm glad my state is stepping up and trying to put together a law deciding that protesting a funeral is just a really shitty thing to do, so fucking go home already. i hope that this is the law's literal name, known at PAFIJARSTTDSFGHA. dear fred: nothing screams "self-hating queer" more than someone with the amount of passion - deep-seeded, sweaty, urgent passion - for constantly talking about homosexuality.

emily's reasons why not to watch: abc pulled the plug on that heather graham show after it aired a grand total of one episode. poor rollergirl. it must have REALLY sucked. there are bus stops all over the city that still have ads for it.

the state of the union is over. tc keeps babbling about the administration and strumming her guitar. i think she's writing a song. by the sounds of it, it will be called "stupid fucking douchebag."

Sunday, January 29, 2006

some videos to watch, and one not to

people have been sending me some amazing links lately.

ag forwarded this awesome video of a very frustrated winnebago salesman trying to film a promo. his frustration is hilarious and scary. if you're at work you're gonna need headphones for this one. if i ever have an existential crisis (the next time i have one) i hope it is in a motor home and i hope there is a video camera.

she also told me about tattoo from fantasy island's music video. it was filmed in the 80s, probably, since he ate a bullet in 93. his wikipedia page is totally bizarre. did you know that he was raised in paris but his father encouraged him to leave because of france's rampant prejudice against dwarves? wh-wh-what? for real? also, he insisted on being called a midget and not a little person. fight the power, herve.

all of my friends have been reading and loving this website. whoever wrote this is a fucking genius. chuck norris facts. totally inappropriate laughter coming out of my cubicle.

am sent me the weirdest getting-ready-for-my-bat-mitzvah website i've ever seen (the only one i've ever seen), complete with a music video of jessie, said bat-mitzvah candidate, lip synching to gwen stefani's "rich girl." apparently jessie's dad is some sort of party promoter/dj and does cliched crap like this for a living. as am says, "I’m not sure if it’s the braces, the bad hair, the off-key flat singing, blasphemous concept, uncomfortable dance moves, Jamie’s rap, the all-cuter-than-her friends or just the general sense of middle school awkwardness that makes me love this video, but I just can’t get enough." i can.

of course the most disturbing video i have seen in a long time is compliments of trent. you're not going to want to watch this if you don't want to see cats and dogs being tortured and killed (and if you do, get the fuck off of my blog). it's a peta psa that never aired about the fur trade in china. two points: it's ironic that the commercial you have to watch before the psa is for jello (horse hooves - can't eat it this week, don't ever want to eat it anyway), and it's odd to see the website refer to trent as the "nine inch nails cutie." i mean, he is ugly-hot (short, but ugly-hot), but "cutie" is not a word that he would want to be associated with. that ball-gag he wears in the "closer" video is adorable, though. click here for popbytes - the link to the video is on the page, but you're going to want to just minimize the box and listen to him talk. i have really bad images seared into my brain now.

from bad music to bad food

the end of my listening-to-my-friends'-worst-cds week is, mercifully, over. i listened to eb's copy of moxy fruvous' album bargainville yesterday. i don't even want to get into how annoying it was. barenaked-ladies-esque (they're lame, too) acoustic guitar quasi-humorous jammy band with dated songs about the gulf war (the former bush's one), girlfriends who read smart books, video games . . . whatever whatever. boring and grating. honestly, i didn't even bother with this project on friday. i think a day off was in order. six peice-of-shit discs was enough for the week. as a balm of sorts i went and saw feist at park west on friday night - gorgeous voice, fun rock songs, pretty ballads that aren't boring. she reminded me of a canadian parker posey with bangs. i want to see her tour with broken social scene sometime, but the solo show was great.

a new week, a new theme. it's vegan week. err, vegan eating - i'm not going to toss out my leather handbags and shoes, and i'm going to use my store-bought soap and makeup and hair products that may or may not contain animal byproducts. in some ways, avoiding those would be easier than not eating meat, cheese, butter, milk, eggs or honey. even not-so-obvious things - pasta, bread, chips, sweets - contain animal byproducts. lr took me to trader joe's yesterday and i spent $123.57 on food that i can eat this week. trader joe's has a strange culture to it, especially when people overhear you speaking about your search for vegan food. one woman flipped out when she saw me reading the ingredients of a container of gazpacho soup ("oh my god!!! it's the best!!! only 90 calories!!! i eat it for lunch!!! there are only two left!!! you take one!!! i'll take the other!!!") and lr asked a girl that worked there about vegan bread, and she was like "you're trying to be vegan? AWESOME. okay, let's find you some vegan bread! is honey in or out?" honey is, apparently, a controversial ingredient in vegan circles. while the bees basically just shit it out, and making honey is just kind of what they do, and insects are, by and large, less important and cute than mammals, i guess forcing them to keep honeycombs is, umm, slavery . . . ? regardless, i'm going hardcore, so honey is out.

i spent the night in hyde park at lr's last night, and she made me breakfast this morning. she had this sunflower seed bread that is very dense and dark and dry but, more importantly, is vegan. we toasted it and put some raspberry jam on it and i had two bites and . . . no. nonono. i can't choke down cardboard. so lr asked me if i wanted a banana. i asked how old they were, and since she had just purchased them, and still had some green on them, nope. she asked if i wanted an apple. i asked what color it was. i can't eat red apples with mushy and mealy textures. she started laughing and was like "you're going to have a really shitty week."

breakfast: a green apple, trail mix, earl gray tea with coffeemate (i was so happy to hear that it's non-dairy).
lunch: this weird wrap i got in the prepared-food aisle with hummus that wasn't very evenly spread - it was good when i could taste the hummus, but otherwise it tasted like cabbage wrapped in paper; trail mix; and some dark chocolate (no milk - goody. too bad i'm not a huge dark chocolate fan. guess i am now).
dinner: tofu hotdogs that definitely benefitted from lots of ketchup and mustard (they had a weird smoky flavor), some actually really good hotdog buns (vegan bread doesn't have to be disgusting), more trail mix and dark chocolate, and a glass of soy milk. i think i will put the soy milk IN things from now on. that glass was hard to get down.

what have i done?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

warning: do not consume

when i decided that this week in my Year of Something Different, the week where i solicit my friends' worst cds to listen to, i knew i'd be hearing some real crap. a lot of my friends wouldn't or couldn't help me with this project; lots of people have had all of their cds stolen, so when they went to restock their cd collections, they naturally didn't buy embarrassing shit that they hated, and jc protested by saying, "i don't own any bad cds!" i doubt that this is true.

if tc had lent me a jennifer lopez cd, i would have called her a bitch and suffered through it. if she had lent me a lou bega cd, i would have wondered if maybe she was a little bit "touched." i know that she loves will smith, and i am happy that she didn't give me one of his albums for this project. however, the possibility of her handing over the WORST mix cd you could possibly have compiled, which somehow manages to combine these three (errr) artists, never even occurred to me. it's a certain kind of evil to put the most retarded songs circa 1999 onto one cd. she explained that she and a college friend used to roadtrip home together and would make mixes to listen to in the car. this one went horribly awry and even they hated it. i just got done listening to it. if tc wasn't so rad i would stop being her friend.

1. what is love - haddaway. there is a reason that the snl skits and terrible-looking spinoff a night at the roxbury used this song as a symbol for vapid, shallow, soulless obnoxiousness.
2. will2k - will smith. as in "willenium." like, the turn of the century. remember when Y2K was a really cool way to refer to the millenium? no? well, no one has ever accused will smith of being cool.
3. wild thing - tone loc. this song reminds me of middle school. which is not a good thing. have you ever listened to these lyrics? they're terrible.
4. if you had my love - jennifer lopez. oh my god her voice is fucking awful. this blows. it pains me to listen to her. you can hear her straining to stay in tune. who gave her a recording contract? why do people like her?
5. just a friend - biz markie. this song is actually just kind of weird. like the lost wesley willis track. this would be on a songs in the key of z ("outsider music") compilation if it hadn't, strangely, been a hit.
6. hooch - supernatural. really bad boy-band harmonizing. was this commissioned by the makers of that cheap sticky-nasty-sweet lemonade malt liquor? because it sounds how that shit tastes. ps being the poor man's sugar ray is really depressing.
7. mambo #5 - lou bega. this song makes me want to burn myself alive, i hate it so much.
8. back that azz up - juvenile. i can't tell if i am becoming immune to horrific music, or if this is just less repugnant than what i have just put myself through, but i don't mind this song. as long as you don't listen to the lyrics, it's okay.
9. the rockafeller skank - fatboy slim. i own this album. i don't know what that says about me. i bought it my senior year in college and i don't think i've listened to it since. that siren noise about halfway through is super annoying. i'm not even sure i know how one would dance to this.
10. bailamos - enrique iglasias. that mole on his face is barfy. this song is barfy.
11. some ricky martin bullshit. at first i thought it was "she bangs" but all of his songs sound the same: generic, partly in spanish. ps he is SO gay.
12. i wish - skee-lo. "i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller, i wish i had a girl who looked good, i would call her." this has a certain retarded charm to it.
13. that song they play during the six flags great america commercial that features a molesterer-looking old bald man (normal dude in a mask, i guess) dancing. the really irritating one, the one that is totally soulless and was made on a casio keyboard. yeah.
14. wild wild west - will smith. again?
15. some wimpy/angry rock (like when lifehouse really wants you to FEEL IT) with lyrics that are like "yeah, whatever, whatever makes you happy." you know what made me happy? the end of this cd.

oh tc. you warned me, i know, but . . . but . . . i feel so violated!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

see you at the rite aid or the cvs

these are the things i knew about mya before today:

1. she is gorgeous. when she doesn't look like a drag queen, like on the cover of moodring.
2. she has a pretty voice. maybe not the best, it's kinda thin, but pretty.
3. she was in that "lady marmalade" cover that is a fascinating mess.
4. she was in chicago. small part. one of the girls in the pen.
5. she is from dc.
6. that's about it.

this is what i know about mya now that i have listened to her album moodring:

1. after proclaiming that her ass (and her kiss and her body and her love and her touch and her sex, etc) "is like . . . wo," she asks her gentleman caller, "Can you bring some Belvedere/So we can pop the cork and cheers?" she's classy AND joey lawrence writes her lyrics. whoa!
2. her lyrics rival r kelly's in the "literal" category. for example, witness "late," which is about when your period is late and you think you might be knocked up (surely a total club hit - those kids just can't stop grinding to dance tracks about unwanted pregnancy): "Give it 2 more days/For I hit the convenience store/I'm talking about (Talkin' bout)/Rite Aid, CVS (Oh, yeah)/You can pick the place/I hope I'm just/Late/It shoulda came by now." and then she admonishes the guy that used a really old condom: "Prolly bought it in your high school vendin' machine/Kept it in your wallet/So she was 16/In the back pocket of ya cross color jeans/And then had the nerve to use it on me (Damn homie)/And if it's true/You better find another job/Cause it takes more/Then flippin' burgers and fries/Smokin' dro and playin' on the X-Box/And hangin' at the strip club is gon have to stop." i don't even think i can follow all of that information. like, don't get me wrong, i like it when songs tell stories, but she lost me.
3. if you're going to write a song called "sophisticated lady," maybe the following lyrics should be reconsidered, as they do not really exemplify the term "sophisticated lady":
* "I'm ya momma (Don't call me by my name)/Let's play house (That's right)/When you're bad (Pull your pants down)/You get time out"
* "Drop my pencil purposely (Drop my pencil)/That's right/Bend down to pick it up/Why's everybody starin' at me?"
* "Cause I'm cold blooded (Whoa, yeah, yeah)/I'll sexually harrass you (Sexually harrass you)"
* "Oh, take it out/Throw it on the table/Show me what I paid for/Take it out/Lay it on the table/Can you reach my navel"
* "Thanks/That was fun/Now get out"
4. if you are a girl singer, invite sean paul to annoyingly accent-talk (he's not exactly a rapper - i thought that rap required skill) in the background for an insta-hit. although i doubt "things come and go" was a hit of any sort. i don't know. there's a reason why i don't listen to the radio.
5. do not "re-imagine" tom petty's "free fallin." especially if it's the story of a girl who is praying to die because . . . because . . . i don't know. because she's free fallin. and she aint got a man.
6. don't record a thank-you to the people that bought your album as an intro to your last song. that's really sad.
7. some of these lyrics would be forgivable if they were hidden under some good beats and interesting samples. no. all of this sucks.

according to some half-assed online research i just did, she recorded almost 60 tracks for this album and narrowed them down to the 17 pieces of shit she compiled for this cd. her ear for a good song is like . . . wo!

jk lent this album to me as his contribution to the-worst-cds-that-my-friends-own week. i was surprised when he gave it to me - i thought for sure that it would be one of the faith hill cds that i spotted in his apartment, and he was never able to give a rational explanation for. his sister had this album and he thought it was so bizarre that he held onto his burned copy, and he thought that i would really enjoy trying to decipher just what the hell mya is talking about - her lyrics are fucking retarded.

i don't really have a headline today.

ag's brother is getting married next month and is a bridesmaid. she got an email from one of the bride's friends, saying that it would be really fun to put together a manual of sex tricks and tips as a bachelorette party gift. ag is sitting this one out. ewww! that's her brother!

she sent this link along from the onion that's really freaking funny if you've ever seen equus. and even if you haven't, i guess. cuz, like, i've seen it. in CANADA. jealous?

kk reminds me why she's in law school at yale with these sobering statistics about how us ladies get the shaft, and not in a good way.

jk alerted me to this website that rates and features urinals from around the world. he made special mention to check out numbers 3, 6 and 7 in the top 10. despite the above link about gender disparities, i'm glad that i'm a lady so that i get a stall. i'm happy that wisco is representing with the fancy kohler pisser in sheboygan.

ag sent this video with the note "SCARY!!! how do you REALLY feel, north korea?" um. right. they have nuclear weapons, don't they? yeah. uh. hmm.

equally terrifying: kevin federline spins his single "PopoZao." wtf does THAT mean? dude is fugly. jc sent this article where people who actually know about music weigh in on the song's merits (and lack thereof).

oh good. radioactive waste in chicago's water supply. hahahahah! awesome. i'm glad i use that water to shower, brush my teeth, cook, and put in my brita (which i doubt works radioactive-waste well). also, if you're in the mood for a good barf, be sure to click on the ad on the right - conservative novelty t-shirts. i didn't know that conservatives could read.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

it gets worse as the week wears on.

just got back from tulsa. it was a quick trip and not worth noting whatsoever.

scissors happy got a really weird shout-out - an article about elderly bloggers that mentions that some old people are really put off by all of the swearing out there (swearing. and robots). the article mentioned that "there is at least one blogger aware of language issues" and provides a link to a post about me trying to (unsuccessfully) stop swearing for a week. for the record, i am not elderly, and i have no idea how this article found me. fuck you! just kidding. read here.

so i was in the tulsa doubletree, eating the free cookie they give you when you check in, doing some sudoku (NERD) and listening to tuesday's worst-cd-that-a-friend-owns. i brought my discman so i wouldn't have to burn the crap cds to my laptop and upload onto my ipod (which is acting up again. my third ipod in a bit over a year. nice). i had forgotten all about my poor neglected discman. anyway, sf lent me the fudge tunnel album the complicated futility of ignornace. first of all, "fudge tunnel" is a terrible band name, even worse than "disappear fear."

here are some notes i scribbled into my sudoku book:

there is no single on this monotonous, droning sludge of an album.
song 7 - lyrics "i don't need an excuse to like myself"? no one else does.
railing against . . . something. Rage Against the Whatever.
song 10. 'circle of friends, circle of trends.' grow up.
song 12. oh good. 5 mins of silence before you start in again - about 3 mins of artless drumming end the album.

lame. lame. lame.

sf also threw in a single by the band 1927 for good measure. "that's when i think of you." i don't understand where he got this, or why it was ever released. it's like crash test dummies or . . . or . . . til tuesday, minus aimee mann, or . . . god, i don't know. bad rhyming lyrics, cheesy guitar solo. i think that when they wrote this they were like "oh my god, ANTHEMIC love song! best ever! this is going to be THE prom theme of 1988!!!!" apparently they are australian and won awards for this tripe. not surprising - men at work are aussies.

i am sad that sf didn't totally pull through for me. i know for a fact that he owns multiple gg allin cds, as well as a david koresh self-produced jesus rock and sermon album. those would have been sooo much better (worse). fun fact: gg allin's real, full name is "jesus christ allin." i wonder why he was so fucked up?

as i type this i am listening to my roommate's contribution to this week's project. it is america's greatest hits. it is terrible. "muskrat love" is vomit-inducing. soft rock from the 70s, which is dangerous territory to tread. i guess this is supposed to be folk guitar singer-songwriter rock. i do not approve. in some ways, this is worse than fudge tunnel. probably because it's so earnest. "earnest" makes me nervous - i'm far too cynical and sarcastic. this makes me uncomfortable. "this is for all the lonely people." you're lonely because you like crap music.

"sister golden hair surprise." shut up.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

the worst cds my friends own week. let the suffering begin!

Q: what's worse than mid-90s politically-minded lesbo acoustic indigo-girls-rip-off rock?
A: when said band does a reggae song.
A: and then the next song on the album is rockabilly.

it's a new week, so it's time to do something different. i have decided that this is the week that i borrow my friends' worst cds and then listen to one of them every day. if i had to choose my own worst cd, it would probably be switchblade symphony's serpentine gallery. ag bought it for my birthday . . . i bet that was the year i turned 21. i saw them open for christian death in chicago when my boyfriend and i got all gothed up and went down to the city for the show. an embarrassing memory (i will not be posting photos, but i think that i looked kinda cute, despite how lame that was) and embarrassingly bad music.

so today's worst album is from eb's collection. it's the self-titled debut from a duo called disappear fear. terrible name. terrible cd. janis ian and the indigo girls make guest appearances. apparently the two girls are sisters and not just lesbians (like tegan and sara, but not twins?). it came out in 1994 and it bashes bush and his war (the other one, but history is always repeating), has lots of bland love songs, lots of messages, and lots of really bad lyrics.

from "fix my life"

you said it was a fine day for a funeral/but i couldn't see through/your cool black case of h.i.v./attacking our entire society/condoms become a way of life/without it, man/your dick's a knife/i said it, i said it/believe it, i mean it"

i believe you. and i believe that this is the worst album that eb owns, because i don't know how much more grating an acoustic guitar could possibly be.

"and now i'm in this dark ass closet/tryin' to figure out/just how i'm gonna get/my crazy ass up out this house"

tb found a blog with piles of ali g and borat clips. respeck!

tb also sent me this video (about 15 mins long i think) called farm sluts that stars chris parnell as a guy who is basically better off dead. sort of.

ag has become deeply obsessed with r kelley's "trapped in the closet" hip-hopera, and was more than thrilled when south park aired its "tom cruise is trapped in the closet" episode. you can watch a succinct recap of that here or the entire episode here. i read that it wont be shown in the uk and that tom is, of course, going to sue. i think wikipedia is trying to take over the entire world, because this episode has its own page already.

i saw match point today. i know that it was excellent because i was totally nervous and anxious for a solid 45 mins.

kwittens! totally jean teasdale - you can vote for which cat is cuter at kitten war. kinda reminds me of cat town.

click here for unintentionally sexual comic book covers. there are too few on the page, in my opinion.

i got an email from jf asking if i wanted to have a dramamine party this weekend, citing this article about how totally fucked up you can get on it. which totally reminds me that i had heard the urban legend that if you slip visine into someone's drink, they will have a total colon blow, so i looked on snopes and apparently it can kill you. so, please keep this in mind the next time you're up to shenanigans and tomfoolery.

i can finally swear at you again.

my "no-swearing week" has come to an end. not exactly a success - i swore to friends verbally and/or over email at least once a day, and then i'd be like "GOD - i did it again!" i will say that being *aware* of a problem is a good step towards fixing it. i was pleased and surprised when, at happy hour thursday, i dropped my gorgeous marc jacobs bag on the floor under the table and said "criminey!" rather than swearing. i don't think i had ever before said "criminey" in my entire life.

so here are some clips and snips for you to ponder and enjoy.

ag found a rant against a hormel chili commercial on craig's list.

ecf wanted to know if i had an entry on this web directory of prostitutes. it's like restaurant reviews and menus for whores. i like how the consumers consider themselves hobbyists. "well, i'm really into kayaking and model trains and hookers."

tb sent me a time-lapsed video of a drive from los angeles to new york with a camera mounted to the back of an old-school convertible. cool and pretty.

the washington post shut down their op-eds blog because too many of their readers were posting nastyass comments unbefitting a family newspaper. i wish i had a ton of crude comments on scissors happy. maybe i'm juvenile, but there's nothing like reading a string of anonymous statements that the person would never have said if they had to actually sign their name.

the onion's least-essential albums of 2005. i love bad reviews. these aren't even pointing out worst-of - these are so pointless that it's amazing anyone even released them, much less bought them. the review of american idol contestant jim verraros' album made me laugh. i have to say, he looks surprisingly hott - if i correctly recall, he was really awkward-looking and fugly when he was on the show (yeah, i watched a few episodes, sorry). great diss on institute, which i agree with.

i'm totally obsessed with meth (the way that it is destroying rural america, one tooth at a time) and this article focuses on how it is totally messing with the delivery of healthcare.

the week that the chicago smoking ban (phase one: sporting arenas, restaurants that don't have a bar, public buildings, within 15 feet of public buildings; bars will have to follow suit in 2008) comes to town, so does an upscale smoking lounge that the new york times featured. i knew about the marshall mcgearty tobacco lounge because i am somehow on the rj reynolds mailing list and i have received a few very arty postcards and advertisements for it. i know that they're winning because i want to check it out. read here.

more later. i'm a'gonna go see match point today.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

rick springfield's gender confusion, etc.

jk forwarded me a mcsweeney's list (love those). remember how you wish that you had jesse's girl? here's where to find her - still interested? as a total sidebar, i used to think (when i was like 7 or whatever) that rick springfield was singing "i wish that i was jesse's girl."

awesome new cat power song in the cingular wireless commercial. hmmm. i don't know how i feel about that. watching that love monkey show (premier. prolly the only one i'll ever watch, at the rate it's going). could jason priestly look any more baggy-eyed and puffy? barf. i think this show is supposed to seem edgy and cool and very high fidelity, but everyone looks 42 and too scrubbed. oh. the main character (who is an a&r rep) just dissed hanson. too bad it's no-swearing week, because i could discuss how i feel about that. oh, his boss discovered hanson, and now he's fired. god, i am blogging a cbs show as it occurs. someone smother me in my sleep tonight.

the new york times did a feature on this very unique man who poses dead in his house and posts the photos. apparently everyone is hitting his website because the server is freaking out - click on the opening page and i hope you can see some of his pictures. um. we all have hobbies.


some late night show slowed down a televised bush speech. the result: what someone looks and sounds like when they are on a bender and having the most brilliant (to them) ideas, and wont shut up. it's like listening to my sister when we're drunk in the basement at our parents' house at christmas. watch here. thanks for the link, jms.

i keep hearing about how i am going to go deaf (get it? hearing. yeah.) because i listen to my ipod too often and too loud. i have even started believing it. i have noticed that when i'm at a bar or watching surround-sound tv over at a friend's house, i have a really hard time listening to whoever is talking to me. everything is the same volume. either that or i am so riddled with a.d.d. that i am a terrible listener. this article goes with me being the latter. which i prefer. sorry, friends.

why are you all up in my grill, yo? you're just jealous of how fine my iced teeth are. the wapo knows.

urban outfitters blows and they steal real artists' work. johnny cupcakes' shirts are too cute. like, really, cute, but TOO.

i think i'm turning japanese i think i'm turning japanese i really think so. this article is actually really sad - kids are going into their rooms and staying there. for years. doing exactly what i do when i call in sick: loll in bed, listen to music, feel worthless. i think american shut-ins require at least half a dozen cats before they qualify. or kwittens, as ag would say.

i didn't swear very much today. like maybe five times, in casual conversation. getting better. maybe i will break myself like i'm a skittish colt.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

god made me, and god don't make no junk.

came back from phoenix this evening. i fly so often that i am a "premier" member on united and i usually sit in business class but for whatever reason i was in first class tonight. i hope that this wasn't a fluke - that i have earned my spot since i am single-handedly delaying their bankruptcy - because i like feeling fancy. so ag and i watched bad tv and ate a sensible dinner of pierogies, bbq krunchers, reese's pieces, and diet coke. the diet coke really balanced it all out. so how bad was the tv? we went from dumb-but-addictive (america's next top model) to embarrassing (celebrity fit club 3) to totally depressing (intervention) to just bizarre (sex talk with that elderly canadian woman). in a few short words: eva pigford is the worst name ever for a model; gunnar nelson replaced the sad drug addict guy from grease even though he's not really all that chunked (just self-esteem issues - um, really? you? but you have so much going for you) and when he had his weigh-in, his pants' bulge was out of control; the 24-year-old on intervention was a prostitute alcoholic heroin addict mother from madison with insane man issues and totally depressed me; and some of nurse sue's discussion led ag and i to google peyronie's disease, which we decided must be the explanation for gunnar's physique.

that at&t commercial with the oasis song "all around the world" totally reminded me how much i love them. so stupid as people and, yes, derivative musicians, but i cain't help it.

ecf directed me to this book, which sounds like an idea i could do for a week in my Year of Something Different that i know better than to attempt. sounds good - and i like that the email subject line was "an exhausting life if you bang on the first date."

ag alerted me to the fact that jim traficant's artwork is no longer being sold on his website. railroaded again! read here.

she also alerted me to the fact that there are coyotes - lots of em - lurking around the city. in fact, urban coyotes live longer than suburbanites. probably because even coyotes know that the suburbs blow.

this article is an exploration of how the 300 millionth american will be born in (most likely) october, and discusses immigration, birth and death rates, and other nerdy but cool sociological/actuary information. read here.

i'm watching red dragon on usa. what an amazing cast - i saw it in the theater and promptly forgot about it. cleft palate or not, ralph fiennes is hott. on the flight out to phoenix they played just like heaven, which, despite a decent soundtrack and mark ruffalo, was retarded, and, on the way home, corpse bride, which i thought was too short. i love the maggot. i'm glad that hot topic has new merchandise opportunities with this movie - how many jack skellington hoodies can you sell?

so my first week in A Year of Something Different (contact old friends) was okay. i did manage to call (leave messages for) a few people, and i emailed a couple of friends i haven't talked to in a while, and i did get to play pool with rb, get drinks with suz and her boyfriend, and visit with lfe in phoenix. she is a marathon-running lawyer who also paints, and her gorgeous british husband cooked us dinner at their gorgeous house, and we got drunk on wine and played uno. i hadn't seen her in about four years, and it was great to catch up. good thing my favorite song isn't morrissey's "we hate it when our friends become successful."

week two is already off to a shaky start. it's No Swearing week. i have a filthy mouth. i drop expletives in casual conversation, i curse when i do something as benign as forget to pack conditioner when i travel, i invent new and creative ways to express displeasure. i consider the word 'fuck' to be completely versatile and, in some ways, comfortable. it's the verbal equivalent of my aldo boots. so No Swearing started off well enough - i spent the morning with other attendees at the conference in phoenix (and, as often as i swear, i utterly detest it when anyone does at work), didn't swear at anyone in the airport, felt too cultured in first class to curse out the flight attendants, and called my mom. then ag picked me up, and i wasn't in the car for more than four minutes when i said the f word (adjective) and, in response to me swearing, said, "dammit!" as we watched tv and ate dinner and chatted, i would swear and then say "pardon my language." i became aware of how often it just slips out, similar to "like" and "really" and "um." not good. at least i am thinking about it. we'll see if i can go through an entire day without swearing at all. and i won't swear for a week in emails or on scissors happy after this post, no matter how much i want to. so start taunting, assholes.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

happy hump day.

holy shiz! i'm watching law and order: svu while i think about how much effort it might require to make dinner and amy sedaris is guest-starring. she is playing the sister of a golden-shower aficionado/toilet cam perv. did david ever write about that?

am loves me because she sent me two links. one needs no explanation as to why this is totally rad, and she let me know that if i'm interested, this guy is all about feet and writing really sad please-find-me-dream-lover websites. his music is pretty.

so i'm not ashamed to admit my love for former ohio senator james traficant. he's batshit crazy and incarcerated, but he has brought many hours of humor and joy to my life. join the movement to free him! he has blossomed into quite the artiste in prison - "horse with lady rider" offers brushstrokes of sophistication formerly unbeknownst to modern art. and when i stare into the eyes of the haunting "colorful horse," i feel as if i have been reborn. i can't believe that his paintings are sold out. I MUST HAVE ONE. in case you are unfamiliar with senator traficant, here is his bio on the website: "James A. Traficant, Jr. (Jim or Jimbo) was railroaded into a Federal Prison on trumped up charges after a successful run of 9 terms in the US Congress, as a former Sheriff, former football star and breeder of Champion Saddlebred horses for 30 years duration." he has promised that, upon regaining his freedom, "I will grab a sword like Maximus Meridius Demidius and as a Gladiator I will stab people in the crotch." read more about him here - you're gonna have a new favorite person, i promise. mad love to mob for sending me his art site.

super goddamned crazy: a one-eyed, noseless kitten. he died and his owner has him in her freezer. his name was cy (cleva!). be prepared and click here to have a look; you can click on the photo to enlarge it, which i'm not sure i recommend. ab sent me the link and, from her comments, i don't think she likes cats in general or this one in particular.

tb sent this animated clip to me (no sound). he looks like a violent sof boy with a little bit of salad fingers thrown in. funny. creepy.

WTF, chicago? i loved you for allowing lollapalooza to take over grant park for a weekend. and it was such a success i hear it will be back. so you fucking turn down radiohead at millenium park? WHY? spin's got the info and points out that chicago city officials are liars and fools. by the way, the pavilion in the park is GORGEOUS and that would have been the best freaking show.

email from rm: "Are they serious? Truthiness? I must say, whale tail should've won." click here. did colbert really coin it?

and everyone is all abuzz about how writers are liars. jt leroy is a mere invention and oprah is pissed at james frey. random house is offering refunds for his mega-bestseller, which isn't really a memoir after all. read this parody of the truthiness of these two best-selling and respected writers - it's funny, and it's by one of jon stewart's boys.

ps i almost hyperventilated at work today because a co-worker was crackberrying that he was 90 percent sure he was sitting near anderson cooper at a press event in new york today. so jealous.

Monday, January 09, 2006

the death of sad sack.

so much today!

doggies and kitties are being poisoned. if you are a cheap asshole who buys your pet the toxic brands diamond, country value, or professional, they are being recalled, as over 100 dogs have died from eating it. check out the article here - i love that the quarantined dog in the photo - who is fluffy and sweet and recently died - is named "sad sack." that's like steve martin's dog in the jerk, "shithead." except i grew up watching the edited-for-tv version that my brother taped off of nbc in like 1984, so i thought that his dog's name was merely "stupid." "sad sack" is sooo much better. click here for all of the brands that are being recalled. btw, the brand name "professional adult cat food" is really weird. "what's your cat like?" "oh, he's a professional adult."

this is sure to be the Worst Show Ever: jordan knight and jeff timmons on the "heartthrobs and hits tour." are they going to fellate one another on stage? how is it possible for one boyband member to sing the, er, "hits" of his defunct group? especially since i recall that jordan knight just provided the creepy falsetto for nkotb. and the other guy is from 98 degrees (so i read), a group that no one would remember if nick lachey hadn't married that talking blowup doll. they are playing in chicago at a place called "joe's bar." i guess "joe's living room" was already booked that night. it's the night before my birthday! that would be the shittiest birthday present ever. they're playing a casino in indiana on my birthday proper. tragic. thanks for the head's up, ab.

tedward kennedy is writing a children's book from the point of view of his dog. my question: is it from the viewpoint of splash or of sunny? mad props to ag for sending me the article along with the email subject of "news of the tedweird."

bookmark this if you have problems remembering the correct nuances of the english language or if you just like to read condescending corrections. rm sent it to me, expressing dismay that she thought that "anytime" was a real word. all i know is that spell check is always sure to tell me that i spelled "definitely" incorrectly - i am 28 years old and it will always be "definately" to me.

a step-by-step tutorial on how to become a republican, compliments of jp (warning: animation and music, if you live in a cubicle like me).

cwhortney love is a retard, and is apparently totally broke. nice that she sent kurt's sister out to live on the streets because buying crack is more important than paying the mortgage. but no one wanted to buy the house anyway. click here.

i would totally want to have an allen's coffee-flavored brandy week (day six: rob dry cleaners, just like dana plato) if i lived in maine. i lived in new hampshire for one ill-advised year, and mainers are . . . special. i love it when the washington post busts out random features like this.

the brilliant minds behind the superficial now bring us i watch stuff. i wish all of cyberspace were written by these people. great info on the upcoming adaptation of where the wild things are, written by dave eggers (heart!) and directed by spike jonze (heart heart!).

day two, week one update: i emailed my old college friend le, who is a lawyer in phoenix, and we are going to get together later this week when i am there for a conference. she married a hot british lawyer, so i ought to fucking hate her, but i am excited to see her, as it has been a good four or five years. i also emailed a middle school friend (!) looking for another one of our middle school friend's email address, as she sent me an xmas card and i want to say hey to her. see? progress.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

2006: A Year of Something Different

new years resolutions are destined for failure. they're often vague ideas of how you'd like to improve yourself, and they are usually uncomfortable. like quit smoking, lose weight, be a morning person. blargh. so i've decided to not set any resolutions per se, but to make sure that 2006 is a year of something different for me. i am a restless person who loses interest in mundane tasks pretty easily, so i am going to choose 51 things to do for one week at a time that is different for me.

i am not going to make myself quit smoking forever and ever, but i am going to choose one week later this year in which i will not smoke. one week, i will not swear. for one week i will learn about wine. one week i will brush up on my spanish and watch a lot of telemundo. i might watch every monty python movie in one week to see what it is about them that i avoid and baselessly hate. i have been working on a list; some ideas seem super fun (40s week, where i drink a different brand of beer in a 40-oz bottle every evening, the more obscure and perhaps nasty the better, and rate them) and some seem like i am just trying to torture myself (sports week, math week). i am looking forward to chicago landmarks week, where i hit a different one each day, and to bartending week, where i learn how to make lots of different drinks and finally learn the differences between scotch, whiskey and bourbon. i'm picturing summer nights with experimental blender drinks and me making manhattans and tom collinses and other old-school drinks that i would never order.

i am totally happy to take suggestions and ideas. please - i have about 50 but not all of them are possible. jk and i came up with some really bizarre ones the other night (like colors week - where, on say, red day, i can only wear red clothes, eat red food, and listen to bands with the word red in their names, and then the next day is blue day, etc). each week runs from sunday through saturday (so that i never have to endure a full weekend devoted to, say, only eating vegan).

so today was day one of the first week of my Year of Something Different. this one's basically a snap, but also long overdue and takes effort on my part: contact old friends week. i owe so many people emails and calls and time, and i am a total procrastinator. so i did well on my first day of my first week - i played pool with my friend rb, who i hadn't seen since august, which is pretty inexcusable. we had a really good time, even though we are both miserable pool players. she is very zen and calm and it was fun to hang out.

so the Year of Something Different is off to a nice start. i bet i wont be so happy during life-on-$10-a-day week, which i'm not so sure i'm actually going to attempt.

ps the photo is from my unicorn surprise birthday party last year. it was my favorite moment of 2005. em and eb were total geniuses - and amazing friends - for putting everything together. if i could get away with eating unicorndogs every day, that would be my new years resolution. however, they are magical and mystical and very rare, as i'm sure you know, so instead i will do my week-by-week plan.

addendum: i think i regret not adding STAR WARS EPISODE 3 to my top-five movies of the year list.

during the weeks after hurricane katrina and the most embarrassing display of government failure i can recall, i thought a lot about the two vacations i have taken to new orleans and the area, and how much i loved it. i loved the history of the city, the french quarter, the regional dialect and way of life, the swamplands, the folk art, the music, the food, the chicory coffee, the rum, the attitude, the street performers, the family that sold hj and i a bag of fresh kettle corn out of their truck in the winn-dixie parking lot, the guy from whom i bought hot dogs and mac-and-cheese at 4 in the morning that he was grilling up in the front yard of a bar, the crazy-diverse population of gross-rich and tragic-poor and punk and goth and creole and working-class and privileged college kids and even the retardo tourists. hj was doing her masters at tulane, and i went two years in a row to visit. she has been working in africa (doing something really simple, like solving the aids crisis) for the past few years, and her passport is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen with all of its stamps and languages and dates, but she is returning to new orleans this summer to finish her phd at tulane. i will be back to visit her and the city that i loved to see what has changed, how it feels. and i plan to go back to the aquarium, which was one of my favorite things in the entire city. this washington post article is both heartbreaking and heartwarming - while tens of thousands of fish and aquatic creatures died, the aquarium is being restocked and renewed. i am so happy to hear that the white alligator is still kickin but i am really sad to hear about the freshwater stingrays all dying. they're my favorite. click here.

eb told me all about this, and it is a comedy-nerd-writer's dream come true: the guys of LA-based comedy troupe the lonely island were all hired by snl (the ashton-lookin one is a performer and the other two less-camera-ready ones are writers) based on their videos, mp3s and passed-on pilots. they are responsible for the chronic-les of narnia song, and here is a link to a video to a song that sf kept singing all friday night, which features the lines "hey pretty girl, did you go to college/did you get a BA with all that knowledge . . . please let me show you my penis."

no one was hurt, other than public opinion's favor for letting old people drive. sorry, gramps, but taking out farmer's markets and grocery stores is a privilege, not a right. click here. thanks to ag for sending the link with the subject line "oldness."

this article is an introduction to and dissection of pitchfork. people really love that site.

ugly scott stapp, who apparently is a huge drunken fisticuffs-lovin tool who sucks so bad his own fans tried to sue him for the worst show ever, is engaged. i only point this out not because i care but because his ladyfriend is a beauty pageant winner who happens to run the scott stapp foundation, which focuses on strong families. unfortunately, the foundation doesn't have a website, which i hope is up and running soon, because not only do i want parenting tips from him, i want to see just how condescending the self-appointed-jesus-figure can be.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

douchebags never win: the jack abramoff story

i probably shouldn't still be alive after the new years week that i had. and it wasn't even because i drank too much (which i did). all i have to say is that when you rent a house in the hamptons for a mere grand for a week, and your share (including all food and booze as well as the house rental) comes to a grand total of $140, you are not allowed to complain. even if the house is stuffed with garage sale furniture, creepy toys, and closets overflowing with the worst clothes you have ever seen and drawers full of worn thongs, and smells bad, and has a lot of anal porn bootleg dvds, and you're too scared to sleep in the basement room that is decorated with aliens, you are not allowed to complain. and i'm not complaining. the company was top-notch, the pbr and champagne flowed, beerpong was played, and there was something to gape at everywhere you turned. i say that i probably shouldn't still be alive because i'm surprised that i wasn't strangled by the creepy owner (who was most likely watching from the shed all weekend), or at least sold into the sex trade, because that house most definitely serves as a set for the skankiest low-budget porns ever. and maybe a few snuff films. it made my skin crawl. but it was fukka FUN.

but now i am so far behind in my reading. my inbox resembles the pile of new yorkers that i am still wading through. so here are some notable and entertaining links for the time being.

larry david wont watch brokeback mountain because he knows what will happen if he does. read here.

old snl clip of will farrell as a terrible boss. "i am this close to raping you!" click here (five minutes long, might get you killed with a trident if you watch at work).

mr farrell can do no wrong, and his george w bush global warming report is hi-larious. watch here.

thanks to tb for the links.

cd sends me the best online previews. very excited for running with scissors (click here). wish i was more excited than i am for marie antoinette. i do like the punk attitude that sofia coppola has stamped on it, though, and i am curious to see just what molly shannon is doing in the film. click here for that.

this is totally weird: columbia records isn't going to release the new nellie mckay record. the one that is done. and supposed to be released tuesday. and has already been reviewed. i am fond of her, and i like her statement to the press, and wtf is wrong with record labels? countdown: three minutes until the entire album is posted online and no one gets to make any money off of it but anyone who wants to hear it can. click here for article.

hbs told me about pandora, an online jukebox that tries to turn you onto music based on what you tell the program that you like. fun to play with, but i still don't know how the arcade fire + jeff buckley + the verve = a gloria estefan recommendation. go here and see if maybe the new debbie gibson record gets a plug. i keed. no one would release a new debbie gibson record, not even that booth at great america where you pay $10 to sing over a crap song and get a cd of it to mail into star search.

isr sent me two gems: i could never tell if the online "how to have sex with a dolphin" websites were serious or not, but apparently the british woman that just married one is a contributor. i like her last quote in this article. and finally, all i have to say to this, is ewwww.

bye 05

i know that 2005 is so over, but i never did get to give my final shout-out to the year that was.

i liked a lot of stuff last year. such as:

five best shows
1. lollapalooza at grant park (chicago)
2. coldplay at the beacon (new york)
3. nine inch nails at allstate arena (chicago)
4. the kills at the black cat (dc)
5. okgo at schuba's (chicago)

five favorite albums released in 05
1. gimme fiction - spoon
2. no wow - the kills
3. get behind me satan - white stripes
4. extraordinary machine - fiona apple
5. z - my morning jacket

five favorite songs released in 05
1. they never got you - spoon
2. hey now now - the cloud room
3. all the love in the world - nine inch nails
4. fistful of love - antony and the johnsons
5. gone - kanye west

five movies i liked lots
1. brokeback mountain
2. the aristocrats
3. rize
4. walk the line
5. the 40-year-old virgin

places i laid my weary head to sleep: il, wi, oh, ca, nv, az, ia, ks, mo, dc, ny, me, va, wv, ky, ga, fl, nj, nc, and ireland. i don't know if i ever even want to attempt to beat my personal record.