Wednesday, January 25, 2006

see you at the rite aid or the cvs


these are the things i knew about mya before today:

1. she is gorgeous. when she doesn't look like a drag queen, like on the cover of moodring.
2. she has a pretty voice. maybe not the best, it's kinda thin, but pretty.
3. she was in that "lady marmalade" cover that is a fascinating mess.
4. she was in chicago. small part. one of the girls in the pen.
5. she is from dc.
6. that's about it.

this is what i know about mya now that i have listened to her album moodring:

1. after proclaiming that her ass (and her kiss and her body and her love and her touch and her sex, etc) "is like . . . wo," she asks her gentleman caller, "Can you bring some Belvedere/So we can pop the cork and cheers?" she's classy AND joey lawrence writes her lyrics. whoa!
2. her lyrics rival r kelly's in the "literal" category. for example, witness "late," which is about when your period is late and you think you might be knocked up (surely a total club hit - those kids just can't stop grinding to dance tracks about unwanted pregnancy): "Give it 2 more days/For I hit the convenience store/I'm talking about (Talkin' bout)/Rite Aid, CVS (Oh, yeah)/You can pick the place/I hope I'm just/Late/It shoulda came by now." and then she admonishes the guy that used a really old condom: "Prolly bought it in your high school vendin' machine/Kept it in your wallet/So she was 16/In the back pocket of ya cross color jeans/And then had the nerve to use it on me (Damn homie)/And if it's true/You better find another job/Cause it takes more/Then flippin' burgers and fries/Smokin' dro and playin' on the X-Box/And hangin' at the strip club is gon have to stop." i don't even think i can follow all of that information. like, don't get me wrong, i like it when songs tell stories, but she lost me.
3. if you're going to write a song called "sophisticated lady," maybe the following lyrics should be reconsidered, as they do not really exemplify the term "sophisticated lady":
* "I'm ya momma (Don't call me by my name)/Let's play house (That's right)/When you're bad (Pull your pants down)/You get time out"
* "Drop my pencil purposely (Drop my pencil)/That's right/Bend down to pick it up/Why's everybody starin' at me?"
* "Cause I'm cold blooded (Whoa, yeah, yeah)/I'll sexually harrass you (Sexually harrass you)"
* "Oh, take it out/Throw it on the table/Show me what I paid for/Take it out/Lay it on the table/Can you reach my navel"
* "Thanks/That was fun/Now get out"
4. if you are a girl singer, invite sean paul to annoyingly accent-talk (he's not exactly a rapper - i thought that rap required skill) in the background for an insta-hit. although i doubt "things come and go" was a hit of any sort. i don't know. there's a reason why i don't listen to the radio.
5. do not "re-imagine" tom petty's "free fallin." especially if it's the story of a girl who is praying to die because . . . because . . . i don't know. because she's free fallin. and she aint got a man.
6. don't record a thank-you to the people that bought your album as an intro to your last song. that's really sad.
7. some of these lyrics would be forgivable if they were hidden under some good beats and interesting samples. no. all of this sucks.

according to some half-assed online research i just did, she recorded almost 60 tracks for this album and narrowed them down to the 17 pieces of shit she compiled for this cd. her ear for a good song is like . . . wo!

jk lent this album to me as his contribution to the-worst-cds-that-my-friends-own week. i was surprised when he gave it to me - i thought for sure that it would be one of the faith hill cds that i spotted in his apartment, and he was never able to give a rational explanation for. his sister had this album and he thought it was so bizarre that he held onto his burned copy, and he thought that i would really enjoy trying to decipher just what the hell mya is talking about - her lyrics are fucking retarded.

1 comment:

the syracusan said...

You're damn lucky you don't live in New York. Otherwise you'd be spending a whole day listening to Shaquille O'Neal's "Shaq Diesel".