Thursday, January 26, 2006

warning: do not consume

when i decided that this week in my Year of Something Different, the week where i solicit my friends' worst cds to listen to, i knew i'd be hearing some real crap. a lot of my friends wouldn't or couldn't help me with this project; lots of people have had all of their cds stolen, so when they went to restock their cd collections, they naturally didn't buy embarrassing shit that they hated, and jc protested by saying, "i don't own any bad cds!" i doubt that this is true.

if tc had lent me a jennifer lopez cd, i would have called her a bitch and suffered through it. if she had lent me a lou bega cd, i would have wondered if maybe she was a little bit "touched." i know that she loves will smith, and i am happy that she didn't give me one of his albums for this project. however, the possibility of her handing over the WORST mix cd you could possibly have compiled, which somehow manages to combine these three (errr) artists, never even occurred to me. it's a certain kind of evil to put the most retarded songs circa 1999 onto one cd. she explained that she and a college friend used to roadtrip home together and would make mixes to listen to in the car. this one went horribly awry and even they hated it. i just got done listening to it. if tc wasn't so rad i would stop being her friend.

1. what is love - haddaway. there is a reason that the snl skits and terrible-looking spinoff a night at the roxbury used this song as a symbol for vapid, shallow, soulless obnoxiousness.
2. will2k - will smith. as in "willenium." like, the turn of the century. remember when Y2K was a really cool way to refer to the millenium? no? well, no one has ever accused will smith of being cool.
3. wild thing - tone loc. this song reminds me of middle school. which is not a good thing. have you ever listened to these lyrics? they're terrible.
4. if you had my love - jennifer lopez. oh my god her voice is fucking awful. this blows. it pains me to listen to her. you can hear her straining to stay in tune. who gave her a recording contract? why do people like her?
5. just a friend - biz markie. this song is actually just kind of weird. like the lost wesley willis track. this would be on a songs in the key of z ("outsider music") compilation if it hadn't, strangely, been a hit.
6. hooch - supernatural. really bad boy-band harmonizing. was this commissioned by the makers of that cheap sticky-nasty-sweet lemonade malt liquor? because it sounds how that shit tastes. ps being the poor man's sugar ray is really depressing.
7. mambo #5 - lou bega. this song makes me want to burn myself alive, i hate it so much.
8. back that azz up - juvenile. i can't tell if i am becoming immune to horrific music, or if this is just less repugnant than what i have just put myself through, but i don't mind this song. as long as you don't listen to the lyrics, it's okay.
9. the rockafeller skank - fatboy slim. i own this album. i don't know what that says about me. i bought it my senior year in college and i don't think i've listened to it since. that siren noise about halfway through is super annoying. i'm not even sure i know how one would dance to this.
10. bailamos - enrique iglasias. that mole on his face is barfy. this song is barfy.
11. some ricky martin bullshit. at first i thought it was "she bangs" but all of his songs sound the same: generic, partly in spanish. ps he is SO gay.
12. i wish - skee-lo. "i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller, i wish i had a girl who looked good, i would call her." this has a certain retarded charm to it.
13. that song they play during the six flags great america commercial that features a molesterer-looking old bald man (normal dude in a mask, i guess) dancing. the really irritating one, the one that is totally soulless and was made on a casio keyboard. yeah.
14. wild wild west - will smith. again?
15. some wimpy/angry rock (like when lifehouse really wants you to FEEL IT) with lyrics that are like "yeah, whatever, whatever makes you happy." you know what made me happy? the end of this cd.

oh tc. you warned me, i know, but . . . but . . . i feel so violated!


Sarah P said...

So I personally find it very funny that you had a Ukrainian connection for this CD--my boss is obsessed with Ukraine so I feel like I know more than most people I know about his whole super scary poisoning thing. I agree that the CD seems like it actually was that bad.

TC said...

Oh, KB. From the bottom of my heart - I'm sorry for violating you. I tried to warn you, but it's hard to understand until you actually experience (die a little inside) it for yourself. Please don't friend-dump me. The fact that I was a part of creating that atrocious piece of ear-busting-diarrhea is punishment enough.

I'm going to use my "I-went-to-see-Hanson-with-you" get out of friend-dumped jail free