Monday, February 06, 2006

from tasteless food to quite tasteful daytime television

so i ended veganism week. it wasn't terrible - i just got really bored with how not-good the food was. i tried to eat the rest of my tofu dogs for dinner tonight and i was like, "you know what? fuck this." i threw them out and had some (vegan) potstickers. whatevs - i totally over-bought for my week (spent almost $125 on vegan food, still have about 40 bucks worth of trail mix, cashew butter, hummus, tapenade, etc), and i still like most of it. it's nice to add it to normal food.

so now i'm doing soap opera week. i had never seen a soap before tonight. i mean, i have seen some nighttime soap-esque shows, and i'm sure i've probably caught a few scenes when i've been home sick and i was looking for a daytime talk show that wasn't about whose-the-baby-daddy (i prefer the conjoined twins or the polygamists or the bed people). i wasn't allowed to watch soaps growing up. i also wasn't allowed to watch mtv, cheers, or three's company. my mom was a big dallas fan and i thought that the opening credits and theme song were like the coolest shit ever, so she'd let me watch those, but then i'd have to go back upstairs. i never got into soaps, and i never necessarily felt like i was missing out, but one of the points of my Year of Something Different was to check out things that lots of other people have as hobbies or are really into and that i have either avoided or just never considered.

so i set my vcr this morning for the first soap i found on the tv guide online - abc's all my children. watching it, i felt like i should have been thumbing through my woman's world magazine and picking cat hair off of my velvet bedazzled sweatsuit. so the show was about a mardi gras masquerade ball hosted by susan lucci (i do know who she is). i will say that i thought it was nice that the show kept encouraging viewers (as i guess susan lucci's character is supposed to be famous and was therefore filming the ball for tv viewers - how meta!) to donate to the american red cross for hurricane relief and gave the phone number, and during the commerical break, susan lucci (as herself) let all of the soap fans know that if they call a special number before feb 15 and donate to the red cross, they will receive a call (pre-recorded) from her. oh, NOW i will donate.

here are some observations:

* all of the characters have either recently been in the hospital, or else they recently saved someone's life, or they are scheming to unmask their foes' evildoings
* when they speak to one another, they are all either hostile or breathtakingly sincere
* almost all of the men under 45 are totally hott - in a very metrosexual/gay sort of way
* all of the women under 35 have bleached-out hair and wear irridescent eye makeup, so they just look trashy
* they all dress and speak how i guess people with no money would assume the wealthy do
* people keep walking into various rooms to deliver devastating news, and then it cuts to another scene
* there is a character that is obviously supposed to be insane (unattractive woman) and a character that is supposed to be, i guess, mildly retarded (unattractive man)
* it seems that anyone that has a baby on this show does it to blackmail someone else
* i counted at least 14 different plots that people kept alluding to ("you were drugged and then you attacked him with a knife! it wasn't your fault!"; "you should have torn up that pre-nup"; "i framed her and i hope she likes jail"). basically, nothing really happened - they just sort of kept talking about things that happened in other episodes

um, boring.

unanswered questions:

* where does this take place?
* how do these people know one another, other than how they all are either ex-loves or back-stabbing friends?
* what the fuck does the title of the show mean? who had all of these children? is this supposed to be one large conniving family?
* who does anyone watch this?


Anonymous said...

I don't know. "Who DOES anyone watch this?" Your grammar is being effected, m'dear . . .

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being a friend.
Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant. And if you through a party. Invited everyone you ever knew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me.
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

Anonymous said...

That was from me. I heard that song while watching the Golden Girls before going to work today.


SarahP said...

"Nothing happened." That is your first lesson of soap operas. Nothing EVER happens--until Friday, when every plot will be ended in an exciting cliffhanger. Also, I've never watched All My Children, so I can't speak directly to that, but on Days of Our Lives, which was my family's "story" as my grandma would call it, all the people were mostly extended family. The original "grandma" character is still on and every year at Christmas, they have a very special episode where she and one of her grandkids hang all the ornaments on the tree with names of all the characters/their relatives. I may have said too much...but honestly, I have never kept up with this show on a consistent basis, just watched or caught up on summers off school. That's how non-eventful these things are--you can watch one or two eps and get sucked back in.