Tuesday, February 21, 2006

i can handle my liquor. sadly.


people keep asking me how my previous week ended. it was Drunkard Week in my Year of Something Different. i don't remember how it ended. ha.

actually, i have the amazing ability to remember, crystal-clearly, absolutely everything i did, said and saw when totally drunk. i have never blacked out. i can't pretend that what-happened-last-night is a mystery to me. this is NOT preferable to blacking out. i might remember how everything went down, but i also have a loose grasp on self-control and my inner filter disappears. i will say or do interesting things when i am drunk, and then the next day i will remember, and i will hate myself for it, but at least people can't accuse me of things that i know for a fact didn't happen.

when my roommate was studying for finals in her room on thursday night and she heard a very familiar cork-popping noise, she called out "please tell me you did not just open a bottle of wine." i sure did, bitch - and it was yours. which i didn't know at the time. sorry. i would say that i owe you the $3 to replace it, but you owe me $135 in utilities since november, so let's just move on. this bottle of wine - three-quarters of it - did not make me drunk. i was worried.

i tried a little harder on friday. two martinis, three hurricanes, and an amstel light later, i was back in fighting form. saturday was a dinner party, where i certainly helped finish all of the bottles of wine that we went through. i developed a headache sunday - the kind that makes a car trip to wisconsin unbearable, and i just sat in the back seat like a grouch - and it didn't disappear until i drank two glasses of wine and popped some advil before dinner. of course, at work on monday the headache returned, and i had to take some asprin that a cube mate had, and it returned monday evening, and i had to take some anicin that i was surprised to find in my medicine cabinet. i am one of those people that never gets sick. i don't pop asprin when i have a headache (since i rarely have one), i don't do cough syrup, i rarely finish prescriptions on the rare occassions that i have one. i hold the (unproven) theory that your body builds an immunity to pain relievers and cold medication if you take it too often, so i just suffer through. i suppose if i was sick more often i would have a different approach. anyway, ramble ramble, i blame my 48-hour headache on my seven nights of heavy drinking. there were no other reprecussions, however. maybe the bender wasn't long enough. OR, unlike my approach to asprin, my body is so accustomed to liquor that it laughs at my weak 8-drink attempts to make it drunk. all of my dearly departed relatives, especially the men, from what i hear as far as old-school family gossip is concerned, would be super proud. we are a hearty people, and we like the drink.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"all of my dearly departed relatives, especially the men, from what i hear as far as old-school family gossip is concerned, would be super proud. we are a hearty people, and we like the drink."

TWO HEADACHES after ONE WEEK of drinking curbed you? And you think that the men in your family would be proud?

THINK AGAIN!

ONE WEEK IS AMATEUR HOUR, SISTER!

Next time wrap your car around a tree... or send the family out to the front yard to look for the teeth that the cabbie knocked out of your mouth when you refused to pay cab fare... THEN you might have something to brag about!

Shit, you don't even have a criminal record!

-TB

Anonymous said...

"I never get sick" - not to BRAG but I haven't been "sick" in nearly THREE YEARS (not so much as a cough, an upset stomach, a sniffle) and my family and I drink like the DICKENS. So, I am sorry, but I cannot celebrate your ability to have TWO HEADACHES after ONE WEEK of drinking. Like TB commented, wrap your car around a tree, get your teeth knocked out by a cabbie . . . yeah, that's something to brag about. Sorry, Sistah.
Hearts and Kisses,
AG

Anonymous said...

You are my hero. I get sick all the time. I have a weak stomach and an even weaker immune system. Sometimes I feel like I'm preggers or have the HIV after a heavy night of drinking.
feb