Tuesday, June 27, 2006

and so it's a week later.


so much since last week!

i had my move, which actually went fabulously and i am so happy to have my own apartment. i was emailing with sp yesterday and discussing moving, and i reminisced about how horrible moving always is for me. in the summer of 1999 i moved to new hampshire to work for the americorps, and due to a huge fuckup, i didn't have an apartment to move into, which the americorps was supposed to have secured for me. i ended up having to store all of my stuff in an administrator's garage and crashed on other americorps members' (strangers) floors. when i was moving from new hampshire to dc my grandfather died, so my parents and i had to rush down to the city, throw my shit into my new place, and fly home. i hired movers in the spring of 2001 to move to a new place, and not only were they dicks in general, they didn't even come until the next day (they cancelled on me around 9 pm after i had waited around all day, calling and getting increasingly more irate). when i moved from dc to chicago, we had underestimated the size of the truck i would need, so my dad and i ended up picking things out of the back to toss into the dumpster, which was kind of traumatic. so i seriously hate moving, yet seem to do it every year. this year was great - four guys who busted ass and wrapped everything in blankets and tons of tape. i was out of the old and into the new in two hours. i had been putting my shower curtain up when one of them was like "miss? do you like?" and showed me the front room, where they had arranged my couch, armchair, tv stand, tc, coffeetable, and bookshelf, and it looked great. i love usa movers and if you live in chicago and need a mover, call them.

last friday's wapo was a total downer. first they do an article on how a quarter of americans feel that they have NO ONE that they can confide in (oh, blog, i am so blessed to have you), and then they covered a candidate who was running for maryland's governor who dropped out of the race because of his crippling depression, and then a feature on how the public's perceptions of depression has changed, especially when concerning their politicians. this all reminds me of the onion study "depression hits losers hardest." oh, and there was a terror sect's plan to bomb the sears tower and the fbi headquarters. DEPRESSING.

read here about the unfortunate demise of what sounds like a true gem of a magazine. they need to get a website/blog, yo. paper magazines need to be amazing for them to survive (and people to even be interested). i'm look at you, radar - i want my money back. i only got two issues in the mail before it went under.

ag got a little obsessed with youtube this past week and sent me like 87 links to all sorts of randomness. here is the el debarge "who's johnny?" video. i fully contend that this is the worst pop song ever recorded: it was the theme song to a horrible movie (short circuit), the lyrics make absolutely no sense and are patently ridiculous ("who's johnny, she said, and smiled in that special way, who's johnny, she said, you know i love you" - wha wha what?), and the video is so horrendous that not even steve gutenberg would slum to be in it (i wonder if he got paid for them to use a CARDBOARD CUT-OUT of him. no wonder ally sheedy had problems with bulemia - i wouldn't be able to stop puking, either, if i had been in this video.

jmk sent this article - his email subject line was "sweet dreams." fanfuckingtastic. make sure to look under your bed before you go to bed tonight.

we are so seriously fucked. here's an article on what scientist think we should look into to cool the planet, since no one bothered to get off their dead asses and seriously consider global warming and its causes until like three days ago. one idea is to use some sort of giant mirror that faces the earth and blocks the sun's direct light. really? you think so? that's our best bet? yeah, we're all gonna die.

Monday, June 19, 2006

reason #37945825 to hate michael jackson: i just saw a chase credit card commerical with "all you need is love" as the song


fuck all this. i hired movers. friday afternoon. i don't need the stress anymore. god forbid i ever actually have real hurdles in my life. i'll crumble.

yesssss: jackass number two is coming soon. i saw the first one in the theater and i was crying i was laughing so hard. click here for the trailer.

so hilarious: i love the south park movie, and a memo from matt stone to the mpaa about what they were and were not willing to cut has shown up on some blogs. love the P.S. thanks to tb for forwarding.

rather entertaining quiz that measures how much of an obsessive freak you are about music. i scored a 62% (mega music nerd). it's from a blog called couplandesque, which i was hoping had something to do with douglas, but, err, no. click around - i thought that i had a lot of time on my hands.

sb sent me this clip of the great britain ukelele orchestra performing "smells like teen spirit." it's even worse than its description. click here.

i posted about the klimt painting that the nazis had stolen from an austrian family that was finally returned to the owner's descendants. it is now the most expensive painting ever sold at auction ($135 million). "The Klimt painting Adele Bloch-Bauer I will now be displayed at the Neue Galerie, a New York museum of German and Austrian art co-founded by cosmetics mogul Ronald S. Lauder." damn. that's a lot of money. read here.

even the washington post knows that screech is a loser.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

that cat has genocide in his eyes


oh my god i am so sick of packing, planning and stressing out over moving. what's that old axiom that the most stressful things people have to go through are being sick, the death of a loved one and moving?

to ease my weary little mind, and yours, too, here are some fantastique clips.

jk sent this robot chicken clip of an awesome stop-action animated golden-girls-meets-sex-and-the-city clip. mob always told me that sex in the city utilized the same cliched characters that the golden girls did: the naive one (charlotte/rose), the slut (samantha/blanche), the stodgy one (miranda/sophia) and the horse-faced main character, the real glue of the story (get it? horse? glue?) - carrie/dorothy. this clip is pretty good and fairly gross. "no-denture adventure." too funny. and i love the "check, PLEASE!!" guy.

that clip leads logically to an article that that rb sent out recently, which she declared "the most disgusting news story of the year": old people with stds.

tb sent me this email, with the subject line "bizarre" - "my two favorite subjects... together, finally: 'Hitler' and 'Cats.'" so weird. i don't think i could love a kitty that looked like hitler, but maybe that's just because i'm more of a dog person. click here.

bronson pinchot, aka cousin balki, became a freemason. i didn't know that you could just sign up for that. this news is brought to you right from the source - the pennsylvania grand lodge website. hope my computer didn't drop any cookies when i was there looking. there is a guy at my job who looks like cousin larry. db met him when she flew in from denver and met up with me at my holiday after-party at a bar with a bunch of coworkers, and she was like "EWWW!!! he has total methmouth!!!"

i'm going to go continue packing, dusting and fretting now.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

vote early, vote often, and keep brooke in your prayers


i want moxie motive to play at lollapalooza, and you should, too. i would want them to play even if i didn't know todd, their drummer. they get to play with all sorts of indie superstars whenever they come to town (recently, tapes n tapes and cold war kids, which all of my favorite mp3 blogs are always salivating over), and they are in the running to win the unsigned band slot at lolla. click here to vote, which you can do daily (and use all of the email addresses you own that are valid - that would be three for me). go here to listen to/download four demos that they've been recording. they're really great, and even if they don't get to play lolla, they will have a following. you read that here first. both of you readers.

i know todd because he's tb's friend, and we are both participants of the 2006 dead pool that we pay $5 a month to participate in. my $60 was totally wasted, as 2006 is halfway over and NO ONE ON MY LIST has died. jerry lewis just had a mild heart attack, but he's still kicking. why pete doherty and natasha lyonne can't start dating and shooting one another up is beyond me - that would be like 140 points if they both died, enough to at least make me not come in last place. i complained to ecf that two people got 61 points for the death of al-zarqawi and he emailed "The world's only superpower is spending a billion dollars a day in an attempt to kill one man, and you didn't list him??? And he was only 39 ??? You'll get no sympathy from me, you brought this on yourself." good point.

worse, i learned a valuable lesson about research. i thought that brooke astor was 96 years old and, though a measly four points, a sure shoo-in for a date with the grim reaper. turns out that she is 104 years old. so if she dies, i will have NEGATIVE FOUR POINTS. even if no one on tb's list dies, he still wont lose if ms astor (who i believe may have been like paris hilton - minus the rotting crotch and nipslips - in the 20s) dies. so now i am forced to root for her to live. ironic. retarded.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

everyone hates ann cuntler


i am in love with henry rollins. he's hott. and totally intense, like a scary drill sergeant. i think that he would scream at me about how undisciplined and dispassionate my life is, and i would look at his slightly graying business-man haircut and huge search and destroy back tattoo and simultaneously cry and be completely turned on. he's smarter and funnier than any aging punk has a right to be, and he is my hero for his open letter to ann coulter. watch here; it is, like all good online clips, nsfw. btw, henry does a really funny/odd duet with william shatner called "i can't get behind that" on shatner's has been. they just sort of bitch about things that they hate - like student drivers - over a live drum freakout.

wanna vomit? dustin diamond - aka screech from saved by the bell - is packing 10 inches. he's still completely unattractive; in fact, this makes him strangely even more repulsive to me. read here about how he is also so broke that his house is going to be repossessed if you don't buy a lame t-shirt from him. plus, it's not like it's his malibu spread that he can't afford anymore - it's in wisconsin. my parents have a nice three-bedroom house on two acres of woods in wisconsin and it always really hurts my feelings to compare what you can get up there to what you can buy for the same amount of money in chicago (probably a one-bedroom condo in a neighborhood that you most likely wont be stabbed in), so screech is piss fucking broke. um, surprising?

slow news week? the new york times has a feature on wannabe contestants on the price is right, and the washington post has a feature on the superstitious hex on the play macbeth. both of these articles would have been timely in 1612.

Friday, June 09, 2006

pardon my mess

blogspot is all busted and shit, so scissors happy looks like crap and i can't go in to fix it. i will be amazed if this post actually gets added.

hopefully i can fix and post this weekend.

god i'm so fucking hungover.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

snips, clips


best website name i have heard in a while: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

you know what i seriously love about the washington post online? sometimes (click here - i posted this in march) they run some of the most random shit that i suppose is printed within some sort of context in the literal newspaper and just doesn't translate well to the online edition. here is a short ramble about david hasslehoff's lyrics.


i know that i often complain about how lame my hometown is, and this is just another example: their piece of shit newspaper decided to write a feature about the everyone loves the huge cow statue that sits outside the oasis truckstop and ramada inn out by the interstate. jk forwarded it to me, because he still has childhood scars from growing up there, too.

ann coulter is a total cuntface and i'm glad that she's on their team and not mine. ironically, some people believe that she doesn't even believe what she says - she's like the sixteen-year-old kid who lashes out at his family by saying the worst things he can just to hurt them and just for the attention. she's a sociopath, and she is the human embodiment of a praying mantis.

i heart netflix (at home right now: walk the line and raising victor vargas) and this article does a good job of not only explaining how the company does their magic, but discusses the general landscape of how hollywood keeps releasing blockbuster tripe for the masses when really the american public is content with renting older, actually good films and series.

the onion av club, which i think is a treasure trove of smart, well-written clips and lists to kill time, has a list of 10 successful music artists with terrible names. i didn't see goatlord on their anywhere, but oh yeah, they said successful.

blender lists out the 50 worst songs of all time. i have four of them on my ipod, and none of them are even meant to be enjoyed ironically. actually, i have four and a half, if you include the radiohead/vanilla ice mash-up of "idioteque" with "ice ice baby." it's called "vanilla idiot" and it's actually just kind of creepy and not all that great, but i do love me some mash-ups.

whoops - can't believe i missed this at the end of the year (as i so very much enjoyed the 2004 edition). here is the beast's 50 most loathsome people in america for 2005. it's nice to see that ann coulter is shooting up the charts.


because every blog needs at least one post about alan thicke.


i have two things to say about alan thicke: first of all, i have no idea how this could possibly be true - rb told me about this and i didn't believe her, but it's on his imdb page like its proven fact: steven spielberg wanted him to play oskar schindler in schindler's list. if that's not hard enough to believe, alan thicke QUIT over ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES. his imdb page also says that he dated kristy swanson when she was 17 (he was 40) and that he wrote the "diff'rent strokes" theme song, as well as a song for christina aguilera (i hope it was "beautiful"). come on - not ALL of this information could possibly be true.

the other thing i have to say is that this huge fuck-up during the mrs. world pageant, which he hosted, is pretty funny. the best week ever gives the link and swears it's because everyone knows he's a huge drunk.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

brit pop really is tops


i have decided that i want to marry a brit. it's the accent, of course, as well as the slang, and that they drink tea and ale. but it's also the music. i love brit pop. the two greatest bands of all time are british. i can even take someone like dido more seriously because she's english. if she were from cleveland or wherever, i would think that she was lilith-fair-lite and boring; instead, i actually really like both of her albums, and not just because she's a brit, but it certainly helps.

regardless, nme did a (most likely unscientific) poll and thus came up with this as the british public's top twenty albums of all time:

1. Definitely Maybe - Oasis
2. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles
3. Revolver - The Beatles
4. OK Computer - Radiohead
5. (What's The Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis
6. Nevermind - Nirvana
7. The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
8. Dark Side Of The Moon - Pink Floyd
9. The Queen Is Dead - The Smiths
10. The Bends - Radiohead
11. The Joshua Tree - U2
12. London Calling - The Clash
13. The Beatles (The White Album) - The Beatles
14. Abbey Road - The Beatles
15. Up The Bracket - The Libertines
16. Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Sex Pistols - Sex Pistols
17. Led Zeppelin IV - Led Zeppelin
18. The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars - David Bowie
19. A Night At The Opera - Queen
20. Is This It - The Strokes

this is quite the list. please note that, of the 20, only two are by american bands, and one is irish. it's interesting that oasis' "definately maybe" is considered the best; obviously, because it's by a band that everyone accuses of ripping off the beatles, but also because i think "morning glory" is their best. but that's fine, because it's number FIVE. who knew that oasis made two of the top five BEST OF ALL TIME ALBUMS? well, other than them?

there is no way that, if this were a poll of americans, any of these albums except for nirvana, the beatles and U2 would have made the top twenty. most americans don't even know who the stone roses are. american polls of this sort always feel so out of touch to me; "thriller" is always called the best album of all time, but really, do YOU own it (on cd or mp3)? and if you do, how many times have you listened to any non-"billie jean" tracks in the past year? is that really the best album, one that no one ever listens to any more, and in fact by a man that only has fans who are either foreign or bizarre? i suppose the fact that michael jackson is a tragic freak shouldn't denigrate his work, but i think that it's safe to say that "thriller" is not considered by the vast majority of americans as the best album of all time these days.

so what do you think is the best album of all time, and what do you think the american public would vote as the best album of all time?

personally, my absolute favorite of all time is r.e.m.'s "life's rich pageant" but i think that the best is "abbey road." my guess is that the american public would pick "elvis' #1s" or whatever shania twain album you can play in a scent stories player or the fucking titanic soundtrack.

6 + 6 + 06


of course i have to post today - it's the day of the beast. repent. consecrate yourself with holy water. or just go get martinis after work like i did.

sc and i looked for this louvin brothers album in nashville because we went to this awesome old dusty country western vinyl emporium, but couldn't find it. we saw it on cd at a more updated country record shop a few doors down, but i want it for the cover art. if ever an album needed to be framed . . .

anyway, to commemorate the spooky ooky ooky theme of today, msnbc has a mildly funny guy write about the mad marketing dash to cash in on the satanic date, while the wapo checks in with dc freemason-conspiracy-theorists, wiccans, tattoo parlors and the lottery to see if satan's influence affects business as usual.

and tb sent along this link to the blog awesome until proven guilty's devilishly good mix for you to download.

Monday, June 05, 2006

honky tonk badonkadonk


i was in nashville this weekend for ns's wedding (she shall now be referred to as nr). it was really great - i shared a room and a rental car with sc, and saw other people i worked with at my second job in dc. nr, sc and i shared a small space in a cramped office - our nonprofit had hit upon some tough times and we made do. i only worked there for nine months, but it was enough time to get to know my girls and become lifelong friends. we listened to music, chatted, and bitched about what nun or priest we thought sucked on that particular day. (working for a catholic organization was interesting - i genuinely felt really bad for thinking that, say, sister mary rita was a bitch, since she's a NUN, for god's sake, but i got over it - they're people, too, and i shouldn't feel bad if i don't blindly like them). i spent a lot of time in three-way email conversations with ag and jk, and i would laugh, and they'd be like "oh, what did they say?" they were early fans of lez is more, and i seriously hope that tb posts episode four finally, as i wrote it like a year ago and i think he's done drawing it.

anyway, i really liked nashville. sc and i hit the pancake pantry, some old record stores, the country music hall of fame, really shitty gift shops, and a honky tonk to listen to a band play in the middle of the afternoon for tips. there was a bachelorette party from indiana there, the mom doing shots and dancing like a pushing-60 skank. good times. nr's wedding was beautiful, and we all went out afterwards. sunday was a nice brunch, and sc and i hit centenniel park (nashville has the world's only full-sized replica of the parthenon - random) and drove to the grand ole opry. they used to have opryland, an amusement park, but now it's opry mills, an outlet mall. we both scored some good deals, but the real reason to even bring this up is because opry mills has stingray reef, a seaworld-esque attraction where for five bucks you can pet stingrays as they swim around in a huge shallow pool and, for another two dollars, feed them fish. i was all over it.

i love stingrays. they are my favorites. i think they're so alien-looking and pretty, sorta like ghosts and sorta like portabello mushrooms. ag and i were women's studies minors in college and, since our small college didn't have a chapter of now or anything similar, we decided to start an activism and discussion group. we were funny little bastards, and we thought that "stingray" would be the perfect name for it - something about how we will happily glide along until we encounter something we don't like, at which point we will sting the shit out of it. i don't know, we came up with most of our brilliant ideas when we were drunk. stingray was the shit, though - we did a lot of cool activities and got mad props on campus for actually doing stuff in a college that was dominated by lame local fraternities and clubs like ISPEP, which was, i shit you not, an a capella group that altered 50s classics so that they were about PEPSI, which they all drank gallons of every day. my college was lame.

so i was thrilled to be able to feed the stingrays. i thought that it was a ripoff that i only got three fish for my two bucks. i happily watched them glide around. some of them had what appeared to be actual, playful personalities - they would flop their wing-like bodies up over the wall of the tank as they swam by, and you could put your hand out, so it was like they were slapping you five. so awesome! so i decided to feed them.

and it freaked me out. just picking up one of the dead fish was nasty enough, and the sign on the wall said that you were supposed to make a fist, stick the dead fish in between your two fingers so it was sticking out, put your fist in the water, and wait for a stingray to come up and sort of cup your hand with its big floppy body, as its mouth is on its underside. seeing a stingray approach and open up its big white slit was way too freakish. it was like you were about to fist it with a sardine. i freaked. i couldn't do it. i barely managed to feed one of them (a smaller one - the larger, older ones were like four feet across and i couldn't stomach the thought of letting my hand anywhere near their huge gaping holes). i made sc feed one next, as she was taking pictures and laughing at my cowardice, but once faced with trying to insert a dead fish into this floppy thing, she was grossed out, too. it took forever for us to get rid of the third fish - i wanted to just toss it into the water, which is basically what happened, as i let go as soon as i saw that a huge old fucker was on its way over with its big open vagmouth.

watching stingrays glide around: rad. petting one: kinda gross, but really cool. feeding one: barf. interesting mall attraction. one really nasty aspect of the business is that they only had purell - no soap and water. we rode the merry-go-round (we paid five bucks to get into the place, so we figured we may as well get our money's worth) and made a bee-line for a bathroom with actual sinks.