Thursday, August 31, 2006

"these are not my people/ i should never have come here"


nice try, guys. it is true that "The most effective form of birth control for men is not being Tom Selleck," and that "Uncle Jesse never rewinds video tapes he rents from Blockbuster. There is nothing they can do about it," but the fact of the matter is, chuck norris facts are the original, they are hilarious, and they are TRUE. tom selleck facts and uncle jess facts are just pale imitations. thanks for the link to selleck facts, jmk. they're a lot more funny than the uncle jesse page.

all of these companies' logos look like dicks. hence, the phallic logo awards. please remember that most companies' branding campaigns go through tons of analysis, focus groups and redesign. and this is what they came up with.

shit! if only i had known that he was single!

spiral frog, despite its retarded name, sounds pretty awesome at first: record labels offering mp3s for free, fully supported by advertising. then you read the fine print and you realize that it's nothing more than your standard online radio station and you go back to the hype machine to score new songs.

not only is this pseudo-christian artist a pretty horrible painter, he's a crook, too! (allegedly).

just for the record: they're fat and look prehistoric, but manatees are not dumb.

so not only is the nightmare before christmas going to be re-released in 3D, but the soundtrack is being re-released with tracks from fiona apple, marilyn manson, and some emo boys. i know that loving nightmare is very hot topic of me, but i saw it in the theater in high school and its soundtrack is one of the oldest cds i own. thanks to cd for pointing out this article to me.

i don't know how i was ever able to sleep before, now that i know about armor of god pajamas.

today's first shuffle song: "factory" - martha wainwright, from her debut. i like her. i like her brother. i like the snow patrol song she guests on. this song is good. the lyrics are a bit dark, but i like it.

that's all i've got. going to new york for a week. parties, bands, bars and all my east coast peeps - i've got the new york crew, the new haven crew and the dc crew all coming to run manhattan for the long weekend. i've got tickets to see the last show of this play, 24 hours from now i'll be watching the fuck monkeys, and i've got new platform wedges to stomp my ass through the place i'd live if i wasn't already broke.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

so sorry i missed this a month ago.


so i just started reading in cold blood and saw that the word "faggot" was used by a character, using it to describe a bundle of sticks (which is how the brits use the word - bundle of sticks and cigarettes). so i wikipediaed (new verb!) "faggot" because i was curious to see how the word evolved from meaning a bundle of sticks to being an american epithet for most of my male friends, and while my question wasn't answered very well (no one really knows), i did happen upon this newsbite:

On July 27, 2006 American Republican pundit Ann Coulter said that the former Vice President of the United States (Al Gore) was a "total fag", and that former President of the United States (Bill Clinton) was a "latent homosexual", while being inteviewed by MSNBC's Chris Matthews[3]. Coulter caused a major controversy on the LGBT comunity; and GLAAD and other gay rights organizations tried to understand the reason why such an offensive usage of the word was permitted by the network. David Letterman later responded in defense of Bill Clinton by calling Coulter an "evil, crazy bitch" on his Late Show.

jesus christ! what the fuck is wrong with her? other than being the best Theater of the Absurd actress ever, or simply a satanic sociopath, what possible excuse could she have for being such a total cunt?

helpful money-management tips


i came across this amazing link today on the smoking gun. apparently, when staff at northwest airlines were being laid off, they were distributed a really condescending and horrible pamphlet featuring "101 ways to save money," which include, among totally obvious ways to not overspend that any kindergartener with a quarter burning a hole in her pocket knows, "#46 - don't be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash" and "#21 - make your own baby food." i likened the list to having someone punching you in the face, and then peeing on you.

i forwarded it and tb sent back his contributions:

102. Have you updated your life insurance policy? An early death could benefit your loved ones more than the funds draining prospect of living to full term (75 years men/80 years women).
103. Considering a new career? There's cash to be made hand over fist in the scrap metal industry... all you need is a truck (or grocery cart) for pick up & hauling.
104. Fck you.
105. Healthy kidneys go for $40,000 cash on the black market.
106. Males: white, college educated sperm is worth $500 a shot/junior college $200. Females: eggs fetch at least $3,000... twelve times a year, that's $36,000.
107. Go fck yourself.
108. Children under the age of 18 are eligible for adoption.
109. Receive clothes, food, free dental and medical (plus free travel!) in the U.S. military.

we all got into the spirit . . . pos sent these:

110. Walk on the wild side and sell drugs!
111. You and your wife can fake having quintuplets!
112. Save aluminum cans!
113. Confess to the murder of JonBonet Ramsey! Sell the movie rights for boku $$$!
114. Try out for the lead in "Snakes on Plane 2!" Sure to be a blockbuster!
115. "Find" a finger in your fries! Huge settlement check on the way!

i added:

116. you can make like $20 if you can forget your humanity long enough to prostitue yourself. $25 if you're clean.
117. if you can draw this pirate or a turtle wearing a turtleneck, you can go to art school (from home). artists make lots of money.

and jc chimed in:

118. Invest $20 in a Salvation Bell Ringer costume before the holidays and reap the benefits.

really, the bottom line is, if you're poor, it's because you're dumb.

Monday, August 28, 2006

bits, clips, snips


put a cork in it, bitch.

stockholm syndrome at its finest: click here.

jms wore his obama 08 shirt to lollapallooza and, as we were leaving during the last set of the last day, this totally drunk guy pointed at him and was yelling in that crazy drunken bray, WHOOOOOO!!!!! we were like "um . . . ?" and he was like "it'll be 2012, dude, 2012! TWENTY TWELVE!!!!" illinois hearts obama, and so does kenya.

here's an article about nuns who know nothing about the world in which they don't really participate in, but pray for us anyway.

two great postings from the best of craigs list: landlords don't have it so easy, and some ghosts are losers.

i lived in this neighborhood when i first moved to chicago, and it would be fair to say that i did not fit in. just riding the bus in the morning with the brittle take-half-in-the-divorce blonde ambition girls with their louis vuitton bags and gucci sunglasses made me want to vomit. lincoln park girls are called trixies and there used to be a website dedicated to how ridiculous they are. it's offline now but still archived here. tb loves this site and forwarded to me.

and, finally: the nightmare before christmas is going to be re-released - IN 3D!!!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

"i don't like you/ i just hate you/ i'm gon-na/ kick your ass"


movie i just watched: oldboy. very strange and very awesome. i liked the octopus scene, and i liked all of the violence (only one gun in the whole film - just bats and martial arts throughout). i don't think i'd ever seen a korean movie before this one. i love korean characters (as in letters) - very angular and square with random ovals. i had both the subtitles and the overdubbing on, and it was interesting to see where they didn't match up very well.

book i just read: oh the glory of it all. i forgive sean wilsey for creeping me out with his psychosexual adolescent obsession with his stepmother. his memoir was fascinating because it was a very well-told (i always doubt memoirist's abilities to recall verbatim conversations and circumstances) account of growing up with everything (dad worth $300 million) but lacking in true understanding and love. i feel for him, and his writing is entertaining. i would not doubt that his stepmom has contacted a team of lawyers to explore slander and libel charges - she is described as a total heartless cunt.

today's first shuffle song: "get in the ring" - guns n roses, from use your illusion ii. poor axl - so misunderstood. he's still always getting arrested for biting security people and whatnot. he has totally lost his mind, and his botox face and horrible cornrows are merely symptoms of an overarching mental problem. this song is about shutting the haters up, basically. it's good for being live (i am not a huge fan of live albums and i hate when i get really excited to find some obscure mp3 that, upon downloading, i realize is a scratchy and poorly-recorded live bootleg). anyway, when i was in high school i knew the whole spoken monologue by heart and liked reciting the tirade against bob guccione, jr ("you pissed off cuz your dad gets more pussy than you?"). btw, bob guccione, jr and ann coulter used to date. she wrote to the washington post "I must write to correct a few of the many egregious misstatements in your [...] Reliable Source column. I am not, and have never been arm candy for Bob Guccione Jr. The Gooch was my arm candy -- my boy toy -- whom I eventually, and regretfully, had to replace with a much younger man." i mean, just when you think that she is truly the most hideous creature, she finds a new way to further repulse you. amazing.

i just really like this headline.

how bad would this suck?: nine and a half months adrift at sea, eating uncooked seagulls (BARF), you're rescued, and now everyone suspects you for being criminal at best and a cannibal at worst.

as there are clearly no more pressing matters in chicago, foie gras is now illegal. i have guilt issues surrounding my meat-eating - i was a vegetarian peta member in high school, before they got embarrassing and started throwing red paint on women wearing fur coats on manhattan streets - but i have an illogical heirarchy in my mind about animals and what makes me feel less guilty about consuming them. i will not eat the goat at the indian buffet we go to for lunch near the office, but i will eat cows and pigs and fish and birds. i would rather eat a bird or fish than a cow or pig, though. i almost never cook meat for myself - mostly because i am scared of food poisoning, and also because i live alone (think of edward norton's single-serving lifestyle in fight club) - so i eat a lot of veggie burgers and non-meat meals. it's all combined into a mishmash of hypocrisy and guilt. anyway, chefs are not taking the foie gras ban lightly - the theory being that chicago authorities are dictating personal choice and that veal, caviar, oysters, lobsters and other luxury foods that are deemed cruel (and then i guess all meat, if you want to argue about cruelty) will be illegal. anyway, i point out this article because this last-night-before-the-ban menu sounds rad and, due to my appreciation for overpriced dining adventures, and am sad that i missed it: "At the 676 Restaurant & Bar on Chicago's Magnificent Mile, chef Robert Gadsby topped foie gras with Pop Rocks candies, wrapped it in prosciutto and blended it into hot chocolate as part of an 'Outlaw Dinner' that also featured such controversial ingredients as wild morels, absinthe, unpasteurized imported cheese and hemp seeds. While the seven-course, $140 dinner was completely legal, all the ingredients have been banned at some point."

this wikipedia page about the mcmartin prescool trial was linked off of a rather disturbing slate article about america's obsession with jonbenet (click here for slate). poor chuck norris! this reminds me of capturing the friedmans, which freaked me out. i have never heard of the mcmartin trial, but james woods apparently starred in an hbo movie about it. warning: don't ever go see capturing the friedmans at the theater with your boyfriend of five months because it will be your last date together. true story. it happened to me.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

roy g. biv


this is how i have felt all day.

went to the duke of perth and to jake's pub for jmk's birthday last night. it was a BNR (intramural happy hour team) event, so many team members came out and stayed out. good times. not to be repeated for a long time.

randomly, tc and i call jmk "skittles." we also mock his monogrammed shirts. the photo below is of the super awesome rad birthday present i made for him. that's three huge bag of skittles dumped into a monogrammed canister if you can't make it out.

also, pe has a very strong chicago accent (da bears) and i have been told that i have a slight lisp (i was on a date once and the guy said "i love your lisp - it's so cute!" and i was like "what are you talking about?"). she called me to ask where we were going and i told her the duke of perth. she repeated what sounded like "the duke of purse?" and then we had a two-minute conversation going back and forth - "purse?" "perth." "PURSE?" "NO - PERTH." "PUUURSE???" "NO - P-E-R-T-H." "that's what i said - PURSE." i ended up just emailing her the info. all of the miscommunication may also have to do with the fact that i think my ipod is making me go partially deaf. i'm a goddamn disaster.

Monday, August 21, 2006

"in a world where midgets run for mayor/ don't you wanna drink some bleach tonight?"


i can't believe that no one from my dead pool has kicked it yet this year. i mean, have you SEEN the recent nicole richie photos? bitch looks like ET, but less hott. pete doherty sweats opiates and gets arrested more often than i talk to my sister. they claim that castro is still alive but no one trusts that shit. at least brooke astor is, as far as i know, still breathing. thanks, girlfren.

dead pool 07 predictions are all the rage right now with the dead pool participants - mostly suicide watches, or what is bound to happen if these fucks end up in general-population prison. we've got the total nutter john mark karr (innocent of literal murder, it seems to me, but guilty of being a total cuntface) and bam margera's creepyass uncle (he looks like a pedophile, or, as tb said, "he looks hungry. for children"). a new study links breast implants not to cancer, as the study had set out to investigate, but to a higher suicide rate, so my bet's on pam anderson (besides, i would have to kill myself if i woke up one morning and realized that i had married kid rock). anyway, i have a top secret draft of my 07 list. the current year isn't over yet, but i need to be a little more realistic for the next go-around.

i did not go see snakes on a plane this weekend (much like most of the other general public, though it did manage to be the number-one movie). with all of the internet chatter and parodies, i feel like i've already seen it. chuck klosterman wrote an article for esquire about how the snakes marketing campaign was, in and of itself, the main event. btw, i count chuck as one of the self-obsessed under-35-year-old boy writers who trade real talent for ironic posturing (can you spot the reference to the band the presidents of the united states of america tucked in his article? really). thanks to jmk for the link.

speaking of the celebrated and self-congratulatory boy writers who i read and am jealous of, i am still reading oh the glory of it all and am no longer as charmed as i was. we are now in the puberty chapters, and i am now trying not to vomit up my honey nut cheerios on the el as i read about how he used to sneak into his step-mom's room to sniff her panties. i don't like reading that shit at 8 am - it sets my day up all wrong.

you know what i hate? when the verb for "to dress up and freak people out as a clown" is called "clowning." i might just fucking hate clowns in general. and i hate balloons, too. i hate hot air balloons, i hate mylar balloons, i hate helium balloons, and i hate balloon animals. in fact, if you will allow for a total tangent, this is the worst marriage proposal i can imagine receiving (as i am now at the age where many friends are getting hitched, and i worry not that i wont find someone before i'm old and busted, but that i find someone who i really like and then turns out to be a goddamn nightmare):

me and my boyfriend on a hot air balloon ride. he pulls out a teddy bear that is wearing a t-shirt that says "#1 Lover" and has a mylar balloon tied to one paw and a cupcake in the other paw. baked inside the cupcake is a ring. the hot air balloon flies past a sporting event where the jumbotron reads "kristine, will you marry me?" while "pump up the volume" or a similar song plays. the answer, of course, is absolutely not, unless he arranged all of this BECAUSE he knew how retarded i would think it was, and then the answer is of course.

tangent over: ab said "finally, somebody has put two and two together, uniting my two favorite entities in the universe - clowns and christ" and sent me this webpage.

js sent an article about When Mannequins Attack. this is my favorite part: "Most of the cases involved mannequins toppling over onto customers, but an Indiana woman claimed she caught herpes from the lips of a CPR training dummy. She dropped her lawsuit against the American Red Cross in 2000 after further tests revealed that she didn't have the disease, according to news reports."

i was sorta pissed to hear an ok go song in the background, glance at my tv, and see that it was the music for a jc penney ad. sigh. i don't think that they're the koolest band (though i do like their second album) and their "we do really elaborate cheesy dances and dress all kooky!!" schtick is wearing pretty thin, and they recycled the concept for the new video for "here it goes again." it actually is pretty fascinating to watch, since this one was completed on treadmills and was, i believe, done in one continuous take. watch here.

today's first shuffle song: "i walk the thinnest line" - the dead milkmen, from beelzebubba. YESSS!!! tb had this record and our mom read the lyrics sheet and literally sat us down for a talk. she read the lyrics to "the bleach boys" aloud and she was near tears and said "this song is about SUICIDE!!!" she also didn't see the charm of "rc's mom"("gonna beat my wife"). i was like 12 and i totally got the joke; no one has never accused my mom of understanding irony or dark humor. "the badger song" was actually my favorite - i thought it was kinda sweet.

Friday, August 18, 2006

email conversation i just had with jk like three minutes ago

jk: sorry it took me so long to get back to you. i've been a very busy businessman this afternoon. can't wait to knock back some brewskis with my comrades in 38 minutes! We shall sojourn into the warm evening and enjoy many quaffs of tasty libations!

me: your paragraph went from in-charge and obnoxious businessman to seventeenth century gaytwad.

jk: OH KRISTINE! HOW COULD YOU? YOU REALLY ARE AWFUL!

me: hahahahah. that is a fantastic photo.

jk: I know! As soon as I saw it, I started laughing. You should put it on your blog. Or or your bedroom ceiling.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

random reportings from my apartment


there were helicopters seemingly circling my apartment this morning as i was getting ready for work and i was pretty surprised that there would be a manhunt on at 7:30 am. then i heard fighter jets, which, for whatever reason, i have been very sensitive to for about, oh, i would say five years this september. turns out that it's just the air and water show, which i forget about every year and always have a mini heartattack when i hear them practice.

my laptop is probably going to explode.

if ever there were an article written expressly for me . . . click
here.

hopstop now has chicago directions available - and it's so much better than the cta website. also available for new york, dc, boston and san fran, with a few more on the way. radicals. thanks for the head's up, jms.

i will use hopstop to go see all of the gorgeous buildings that this blog, the looper, keeps posting photos of. i don't love you, chicago, not in the way that i loved living in dc, but maybe i need to learn to love you, in your own sprawling cold midwestern way. you've got nice architecture, i'll give you that. thanks for the link, cd.

today's first ipod shuffle song: "snowden" - the doves, from some cities. hey, this is really pretty! and also rockin (enough). i ought to listen to the doves more.

js sent me this article, wondering why she thought it was so funny, and i agree. there's nothing funny about the way that humans' garbage effects animal habitats, but, c'mon, it's a DOLPHIN in a SPEEDO. tb wanted to know what kind of man 1) wears a speedo and 2) removes it in the dolphin pool. clearly he has never read this website.

mother of the year contender. ecf sent the link (no surprises there - he loves all news articles involving teachers who fuck their students, hookers, perverts and sexually-inappropriate parents).

i was startled to see that 1) the jonbenet ramsey case has a new lead, and an arrest (though ABC news is now saying that this break in the case is too convenient and maybe the guy is just a nutter) and 2) that the ramseys actually did have an intruder and had nothing at all to do with her death. i can't imagine how horrible life would be if your daughter was raped and strangeld in your basement, and then the entire world was convinced that you did it. patsy died from cancer this summer. okay, so painting your toddler's face like a 30-year-old hooker and prancing her through pageants is gross, but no one in that family deserved even a fraction of the shit they have dealt with for the past ten years. jonbenet's cool with all of it, though.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

what i'm all about lately

1. being tan. i'm like powder in the winter, so any attempt that my skin makes to retain a golden hue is much-appreciated and loved. my visit to nantucket was very relaxing and em and i made good use of the 75-degree, cloudless, humidity-free days. some of my photos are throughout this post.

2. the UP! series. the premise of this ambitious documentary project is an old jesuit saying, "give me a child until he is seven and i will give you the man." the dude who later directed some hollywood movies started this series when he was in his 20s, where he interviewed 14 british children from different classes (almost all of them are white - one is biracial) about how they view life, money, "colored people" (this was 1964), marriage, the future, etc. the first is called Seven Up! and he followed up every seven years with the kids. i've so far watched them at seven, fourteen and twenty-one, and it is totally fascinating. i couldn't help myself from reading the wikipedia page (i had to know if any of them had died young or if terrible things had happened, because i cared about these people) and what's interesting is that quite a few of the kids (now in their 50s) dropped out of the project as the years went on, as they felt that they were improperly edited into being stereotypes (especially the posh ones), but i have only found so far that maybe they're just embarrassed by the attention they have received for being in the project, and ALL fourteen-year-olds are awkward and ALL twenty-one-year-olds think that they're right, and i'm glad that there isn't footage of me being that way (or maybe i wish that there was). it is really an amazing project - to get to see them grow up into people not totally dissimilar to who they were as children. there has been a ton written about what a life-affirming series this is - roger ebert said that "To look at these films, as I have every seven years, is to meditate on the astonishing fact that man is the only animal that knows it lives in time." love them. can't wait for the rest of them to arrive via netflix, and look forward to meeting them at 56 in a few years.

3. oh the glory of it all by sean wilsey. he's a mcsweeney's guy and his memoir of growing up crazy rich and crazy dysfunctional in 1970s san francisco is a great read. not as earnest and annoying as dave eggers, who i do admire when he isn't talking about himself. i just finished everything is illuminated and i must say that under-35 celebrated writer boys are so self-aware and precocious that their books become chores to get through. oh the glory has been a quick read so far - i just love the unfortunate tales of his self-obsessed glamour queen mom and his candy-spelling-esque stepmother.

4. this parody sketch (the suge knight of indie rock) starring aziz ansari, who i've had a crush on ever since he made the video of him carrying a boombox through manhattan, blaring shitty music (paula cole?) and trying to look normal.

5. reading about what pricks republicans are and them getting busted for making racist comments, and then being all, "what? you thought i meant THAT? NO, nononono, you have misunderstood me." well, douchebags, where i'm from, you don't say "tar baby" and you don't (sarcastically) welcome an indian guy to america (after calling him a name that may or may not have been an attempt at an ethnic slur, but being an idiot, it's unclear what he even meant). such dickheads, the whole lot of them.

and, lastly: being really happy that i don't have this fucked-up disease that makes you smell like dead fish.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

kids on the beat! kids on the street! beat kids!


i've had one of those days where everything is a little bit fucked up. i've been tired and not hungry and probably really cranky, which i don't know because i don't think i spoke much to anyone today. i somehow wasted an entire day at work doing i don't even know what, and then had to stay until after 7:00 just to finish the loose ends that i had neglected all day. i even took work home - i wrote a letter for my boss about a new initiative that i had about two sentences worth of information for and somehow stretched it into four really good paragraphs. never doubt the power of bullshitty language and its ability to say nothing in hundreds of words. i wrote this while eating a really subpar dinner (a quarter of a green pepper, a quarter of an onion, a sunny-side up egg and two pieces of bread) in the hopes of cleaning out my mostly-empty-anyway fridge.

the worst was the fact that pretty much every dish and piece of silverware i own was dirty, as my sink was clogged something ferocious. it was repulsive - i'd run water in the left basin and dirty foody water would come up the drain of the right basin. i bought drano at walgreens today and somewhere between getting off of the el and throwing the plastic bag on my couch, the bottle started leaking, which of course i didn't notice and of course got on my couch. if that shit is capable of eating through the years of rotted food and like mice carcasses or whatever is stuck deep in the pipes of my kitchen sink, i'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a hard task to dissolve my couch cushions. the drano did seem to work, but i have so many dishes i just did half and will tackle the rest tomorrow morning. i had decided that if the drano hadn't worked i was just going to have to do my dishes in my shower. i think i would be the world's most entertaining mom. not the best, but the most entertaining.

anyway, i suppose my day wasn't all that bad. if you want to read about a string of stessful events , check out fellow blogger sarah's sector-9. she lives in jerusalem and has friends coming home from the war with shrapnel all up in their business, beyond the everyday concerns of being blown off of the face of the earth. plus her car was just stolen. i have no right to complain about procrastinating at work and having a drano-dissolved couch.

this is the most interesting thing i read all day - an article about the girls gone wild founder and doucheguzzler joe francis. really, you couldn't invent a worse story about the guy. i love journalists - even thought about becoming one, but decided that it's too much trouble to actually have to prove what you're talking about, which makes blogging a fantastic hobby - and this reporter paid her dues for having to hang out with him. check out his wikipedia page, too - it pretty much concentrates on the alleged fact that he is a rapist with serious anger issues. dude sounds like a straight-up psycho.

i didn't really like the neverending story when i was younger - it seemed both boring and creepy. i do like this neverending party clip from robot chicken. my favorite part is when falcor does the catepillar. thanks to tb for the link.

as promised, here is a nice short clip from wonder showzen - a sweet song thanking slaves. look at its youtube page for thousands of other clips. what i love about wonder showzen is that it opens with the warning below and lives up to its promises.


WARNING: WONDER SHOWZEN CONTAINS OFFENSIVE, DESPICIBLE CONTENT THAT
IS TOO CONTROVERSIAL AND TOO AWESOME FOR ACTUAL CHILDREN. THE STARK,
UGLY, PROFOUND TRUTHS THAT WONDER SHOWZEN EXPOSES MAY BE SOUL-CRUSHING TO THE WEAK OF SPIRIT. IF YOU ALLOW A CHILD TO WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU ARE A BAD PARENT OR GUARDIAN.

well, loves, i'm off to nantucket for a week to visit em and her family, eat mussels and drink wine, loll about the beach, swim the atlantic, ride bicycles to lighthouses, play croquet, and basically pretend that i am a wasp, which i am not (and neither is em). if i don't die when the cessna i have to take from boston doesn't crash. as long as tedward or one of his relatives isn't the pilot, i ought to be just fine.

chautauqua


there are two things that i like doing most of all, and are, i would daresay, all i would do if i wasn't obligated to do things like have a job and sleep. they are hanging out with my friends and going to see bands. i try to do both as often as possible, and of course it only makes sense that i often do both at the same time. what made lollapalooza weekend so spectacular is that not only did i get to do my two most favorite things, but i also got to participate in other much-loved activities, including people watching, drinking beer, sitting in the sun, and smoking cigarettes. if only the concessions area had a corndog stand, i do believe that it may have very well been the best weekend i have ever spent.

there were downsides, of course: it doubled in size from last year, so instead of the intimate and homey feel of last year, when two bands would play at opposite corners of the field at the same time and it was very easy to find your friends if you should happen to wander away, it was much too large. it took up all of grant park, from the portillo band shell all the way down to the softball diamonds. if you saw a band on a stage at the south end of the park and wanted to catch the next one on the north end, you would have to spend a solid 20 minutes walking (due to both distance and the fact that large crowds tend to shuffle). the price was a downside for most people (but not me, due to jms' quick work in securing us pre-sale $45-for-the-entire-weekend passes), and the weather was very sunny and hot (but no where near as heat-stroke-inducing as last year).

there were a lot of lame people there, sure, which is to be expected, but they are easy to avoid. i didn't really want to fully avoid them - like i said, the people-watching was fantastic. i love playing games when staring at throngs of passing people - ag and i played "mom or lesbian?" at the monuments in dc (best place to catch middle-america moms who dress and cut their hair in older-lesbian style - really, it's fun, you should play sometime) and jmk and ang and i counted green skirts at pitchfork fest (more than you'd think you'd see on an average day). jmk will say "she's french" if a beautiful girl (sophisticated-beautiful, not blonde-jogger-beautiful) walks by, and "they're foreign" if they're weird. i believe that bad dressers are, a third of the time, actually german tourists. the worst were the people that were dressed like clowns/mimes/ravers-with-face-paint. please. that shit is so lame i can't even describe how much i hate it. like, NO ONE LIKES CLOWNS. okay? NO ONE. so stop it.

also, any desire i ever had for a tattoo has been erased by the scads of horrible ink i saw this weekend. really. everyone has a tattoo, it seems, and they all varied from cheesy to completely horrifically terrible. i do not doubt that it is possible to have a great tattoo, but all of the tribal bands and celestial scenes and inspirational phrases and meaningless shapes were not what i would classify as being worthy of lifelong adornment. i plan to make my vast fortune off of the two-year-tattoo ink i am going to invent, btw.

best t-shirt i saw all weekend: "your t-shirt says princess but your face says troll."

jms drove out from brooklyn for the weekend, and brought his wonder showzen dvd for us to watch. holy shit, that is so amazing. i'll have to find some clips to post later. my favorites are the "beat kids" segments. wonder showzen : lollapalooza 06 as salad fingers : lollapalooza 05. next year's entertainment is going to have to be completely mind-blowingly surreal for it to surpass hsb introducing me to salad fingers and jms introducing me to wonder showzen. how did i not know about these before?

anyway, here are the bands that i saw and some photos that i took.

Editors - very cool. the singer has a great voice. they're very joy-division-without-the-suicide.

Raconteurs - jack white is a total rock star, and this band is better than it has any right to be. it's not a vanity project, because they are awesome. their cover of gnarls barkley's "crazy" was pretty rad - i have a mashup of "crazy" with "steady, as she goes" (called, of course, "crazy, as she goes") by the legion of doom that works really well.

Sleater-Kinney - i am very sad that they are splitting up but very happy that i got to see them again at one of their last shows. corrin tucker is rad. all three of them are rad, but i love her voice. if i were in an all-girl band, i would want to be half as awesome as they are.

Ween - walking to the far-south stage while listening to the strains of "mister, won't you please help my pony?" was priceless. they pulled out all sorts of psychorock songs that i love - "the h.i.v. song" and "piss up a rope," as well as an extended and highly-danceable version of "voodoo lady." these guys are unheralded geniuses. i wish they had played "spinal meningitis got me down."

Cold War Kids - i'm glad i caught them - they were cool. i downloaded a few of their tracks off of some mp3 blogs a while ago so i knew that i was interested in hearing them, and now i will have to buy their album. see, RIAA? that's how it works. i get a few free mp3s, i pay money to see them live, and then i decide to buy their album. if i hadn't heard the mp3s i never would have bothered to look into them and therefore the band would be losing a sale. see? we all win.

The Go! Team - i was worried that this was going to suck, since the album is so sample-heavy and fun. it didn't suck at all - the lead singer is super-energetic and they played a lot of random instruments to create their noiserock.

Wolfmother - a return to classic stoner rock - the who and led zep and maybe even some black sabbath thrown in. they fucking rocked. almost made me wish i still smoke up.

Gnarls Barkley - cee-lo has a gorgeous oldskool r&b gospel voice, and danger mouse is cool. i don't have this album so i didn't know all of the songs, but i wasn't alone - i would guess that 60 percent of the crowd left after they played "crazy." which i think is a shitty thing to do, but typical.

The Dresden Dolls - it was sort of a hot day to be wearing white face paint, but theirs was more in the mime/raggedyann vein than in the crow sort of way. i like their songs, but it was strange to see them playing the portillo music shell in the middle of a sunny and hot day. i like "coin-operated boy" a lot. that would have been the crowd to look for cutters in.

The Flaming Lips - worth every penny i paid for the entire weekend. i cannot overstate how much i adore them. i seriously think that the soft bulletin is the most gorgeous rock album to ever be produced, and "do you realize??" is the most perfectly life-affirming song i have ever heard. also, wayne coyne is my hero. he's creative and surreal and seems super genuine and real, and i also think he's hott. this recent article from rolling stone is great. i could go on and on about how much i admire them and love seeing them live, so i'll just say that i was super happy - loved the giant bubble that he walks over the crowd in, loved the streamers and dancing aliens and santa clauses and his singing nun puppet. he somehow makes being joyful and childish and silly - things i don't want from music - translate really well into being about embracing how awesome it is that you get to go through life, even when it really sucks. if that isn't the definition of perfect art, then i don't know what is.

The New Pornographers - neko case has a solo album out this year so they had a faux neko on stage singing her parts - she sounds quite a bit like her, but she is no neko case. i loved hearing "my slow descent into alcoholism" - such a fun song.

Kanye West - huge crowd. it was fun. tb disses kanye because he saw him open for U2 and says that "he raps about his grandma." of course i don't think kanye is as amazing as he thinks of himself, but he was great to see. there were sound problems for the first few songs, which kanye bitched hardcore about - something about how embarrassing it was to come home to chicago and have the sound all fucked up, and how someone was going to lose their job. take it easy, buddy. the sound issue was cleared up, but it was disappointing - he had done "the new workout plan," which i love, and a-track had started mashing it with the eurythmics' "sweet dreams" but the sound cut out and it just sort of dropped, which was lame. he brought out common (also from chicago and much-loved by his city) and twista, who holds the world record as being the fasted rapper (kool) and some guy named lupe fiasco. i wish he had done "gone," my favorite kanye song, but i liked his set.

Hot Chip - hot shit. for reals. i want to see them play a dark crowded club and i wanna get down to their indie dance tracks. i likey.

Andrew Bird - he's from chicago, and it was just him and a drummer. he has a great voice and i really like his album the mysterious production of eggs. he played my favorite track off of it, "fake palindromes," so i was fully satisfied. did i happen to mention that all of the sets were at least 45 minutes long? that is key for rock festivals - it just becomes a commercial transaction when they play three songs before the next band comes out.

The Shins - the worst set i saw all weekend. the sound was way too low, and the shins are boring anyway. to respond to zach braff, no, they did not change my life. i do love that remy zero song you put on the garden state soundtrack, though, so thanks.

Wilco - jeff tweedy's scraggly beard made him look, as tb observed, "like teenwolf." chicago loves wilco and jeff tried to express his gratitude, but he is awkward when speaking (as he fully admitted from stage). it was a great show, with a few new songs, and what's interesting is that wilco can be alt-country and very studio-rock sounding on their albums but totally rock out in front of an audience. it was sweet when he thanked his wife for putting up with him (and his beard, i would guess) and played "i'm the man who loves you." i was really happy to hear "a shot in the arm."

Broken Social Scene - i only caught the tail end of their set, but they were playing "anthems for a seventeen-year-old girl," which i adore, and had brought feist out to play with them. v good.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - whatever. boring. zzzzzzzzzzzz. this is how i felt about festival-closers death cab for cutie last year - after a weekend of sun and beer and crowds and constant music, something awesome is required. no one likes the chili peppers' new album but that didn't stop them from playing seemingly the entire thing, all downtempo and blah. they're all very talented blah blah blah but i totally lost interest.

so that's that. a great weekend, and always fun to hear new bands and see some of your favorites. for the first time in months i don't have tickets to any upcoming shows. gonna have to fix that soon.