Monday, August 21, 2006

"in a world where midgets run for mayor/ don't you wanna drink some bleach tonight?"

i can't believe that no one from my dead pool has kicked it yet this year. i mean, have you SEEN the recent nicole richie photos? bitch looks like ET, but less hott. pete doherty sweats opiates and gets arrested more often than i talk to my sister. they claim that castro is still alive but no one trusts that shit. at least brooke astor is, as far as i know, still breathing. thanks, girlfren.

dead pool 07 predictions are all the rage right now with the dead pool participants - mostly suicide watches, or what is bound to happen if these fucks end up in general-population prison. we've got the total nutter john mark karr (innocent of literal murder, it seems to me, but guilty of being a total cuntface) and bam margera's creepyass uncle (he looks like a pedophile, or, as tb said, "he looks hungry. for children"). a new study links breast implants not to cancer, as the study had set out to investigate, but to a higher suicide rate, so my bet's on pam anderson (besides, i would have to kill myself if i woke up one morning and realized that i had married kid rock). anyway, i have a top secret draft of my 07 list. the current year isn't over yet, but i need to be a little more realistic for the next go-around.

i did not go see snakes on a plane this weekend (much like most of the other general public, though it did manage to be the number-one movie). with all of the internet chatter and parodies, i feel like i've already seen it. chuck klosterman wrote an article for esquire about how the snakes marketing campaign was, in and of itself, the main event. btw, i count chuck as one of the self-obsessed under-35-year-old boy writers who trade real talent for ironic posturing (can you spot the reference to the band the presidents of the united states of america tucked in his article? really). thanks to jmk for the link.

speaking of the celebrated and self-congratulatory boy writers who i read and am jealous of, i am still reading oh the glory of it all and am no longer as charmed as i was. we are now in the puberty chapters, and i am now trying not to vomit up my honey nut cheerios on the el as i read about how he used to sneak into his step-mom's room to sniff her panties. i don't like reading that shit at 8 am - it sets my day up all wrong.

you know what i hate? when the verb for "to dress up and freak people out as a clown" is called "clowning." i might just fucking hate clowns in general. and i hate balloons, too. i hate hot air balloons, i hate mylar balloons, i hate helium balloons, and i hate balloon animals. in fact, if you will allow for a total tangent, this is the worst marriage proposal i can imagine receiving (as i am now at the age where many friends are getting hitched, and i worry not that i wont find someone before i'm old and busted, but that i find someone who i really like and then turns out to be a goddamn nightmare):

me and my boyfriend on a hot air balloon ride. he pulls out a teddy bear that is wearing a t-shirt that says "#1 Lover" and has a mylar balloon tied to one paw and a cupcake in the other paw. baked inside the cupcake is a ring. the hot air balloon flies past a sporting event where the jumbotron reads "kristine, will you marry me?" while "pump up the volume" or a similar song plays. the answer, of course, is absolutely not, unless he arranged all of this BECAUSE he knew how retarded i would think it was, and then the answer is of course.

tangent over: ab said "finally, somebody has put two and two together, uniting my two favorite entities in the universe - clowns and christ" and sent me this webpage.

js sent an article about When Mannequins Attack. this is my favorite part: "Most of the cases involved mannequins toppling over onto customers, but an Indiana woman claimed she caught herpes from the lips of a CPR training dummy. She dropped her lawsuit against the American Red Cross in 2000 after further tests revealed that she didn't have the disease, according to news reports."

i was sorta pissed to hear an ok go song in the background, glance at my tv, and see that it was the music for a jc penney ad. sigh. i don't think that they're the koolest band (though i do like their second album) and their "we do really elaborate cheesy dances and dress all kooky!!" schtick is wearing pretty thin, and they recycled the concept for the new video for "here it goes again." it actually is pretty fascinating to watch, since this one was completed on treadmills and was, i believe, done in one continuous take. watch here.

today's first shuffle song: "i walk the thinnest line" - the dead milkmen, from beelzebubba. YESSS!!! tb had this record and our mom read the lyrics sheet and literally sat us down for a talk. she read the lyrics to "the bleach boys" aloud and she was near tears and said "this song is about SUICIDE!!!" she also didn't see the charm of "rc's mom"("gonna beat my wife"). i was like 12 and i totally got the joke; no one has never accused my mom of understanding irony or dark humor. "the badger song" was actually my favorite - i thought it was kinda sweet.


Orhan Kahn said...

Interesting and funny blog.

Anonymous said...

Dead pool: Phyllis Diller. She's obscure, she's old, she's gonna die.