Sunday, January 28, 2007

insert headline here. make sure it's ironic or punny.


just saw betrayal at the steppenwolf with pos. it was eh. only 70 minutes, the story (told, kinda distractingly, backwards) of a woman who has a seven-year affair with her husband's best friend. it was all dialogue, no one was happy or all that sympathetic, and i didn't really learn anything other than that maybe sleeping with someone who isn't your husband isn't such a great idea. noted.

tc totally made me laugh this week when she sent me this link with the note "your girlfriend is deep." i totally have a girl crush on mandy moore. her new movie with diane keaton as her mom looks lame, and i have no idea why she would slum it with dj am, but i love her. embarrassingly, i have her covers album (cd burned it for me and sheepishly told me that it's pretty great) and i seriously love her version of elton john's "mona lisas and mad hatters."

amusing: hdtv is an awesome invention, except not for porn. i love it when the nyt looks at skanky topics with serious scholarship. thanks for the link, rm.

"another reason to shudder upon entering a wal-mart" was the subjuect line from jmk when he sent me this flickr album. i love that there are 119 photos of utter shite piled up, spilled and randomly thrown throughout the store. grody.

question: is there anyone classier than scott baio? answer: no.

this is actually pretty funny, as it mocks those embarrassing "jay walking" bullshit on-the-street-talking-to-normal-folks late night tv fillers, where you get really depressed because people can name all five backstreet boys but don't know who the vice president is. i wouldn't have known who won dancing with the stars, either.

it was about a year ago that i was vegan for a week. i probably would have done better with it if i had kool punk girls making me cupcakes and teaching me how to make stuff other than boca burgers and trail mix.

new documentary
coming out: crazy man is obsessed with girlfriend, hires some guys to throw lye in her face, goes to prison, serves his time, they get married. pretty standard.

this is pretty interesting: the top-ten stereotypes in film. debating whether buffalo bill was a negative or normalizing portrayal of a gay man is kind of besides the point.

i'm not terribly excited, per se, about the super bowl this year. now that the chicago bears are going to miami to play . . . ummm . . . the colts? . . . next sunday, i am more interested than i usually am, but no, i wouldn't say that i am anxiously awaiting the game. i did hear that the lions outside of the art institute are being fitted for bears helmets, and i seriously need to get down there to see that. anyway, i like super bowl parties for the beer, the food and the commercials. here is a list of the worst super bowl commercials of all time. number three sounds really fucked up and i love that the company sued its advertising agency.

i need to quit smoking. i know this. i have known this for years. my job is actually talking about sending all of us smokers to northwestern hospital for an 8-week cessation class - they pay $150, we pay $100, if we finish the 8 weeks we get $25 back and if we're still not smoking in three months we get the remaining $75. this scientific study was just published, though, that certain brain injuries make smokers forget that they smoke, no withdrawls, no probs. sign me up! i asked pos if he would run me over with his car, concentrating on my head, but he declined.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

she's crafty


i finished the x-stitch project i started two winters ago, put away, forgot about, and recently rediscovered. i'm gonna frame it and hang it in my bathroom. it was perfect for working on during the bears game on sunday, and i finished the last bunny rabbit and the blue border last night while pos watched some cop show and the chili i was making was busy bubbling away on the stove. i have become so domesticated!

the book of snarky patterns from the company, subversive cross stitch, is making my borders gift card burn a hole in my skull bag, which i actually got on clearance for $20 at this awesome shop near my apartment called strange cargo. i got lots of random xmas gifts for people there, including growing pains trading cards (circa 1987) for jk.


Monday, January 22, 2007

blue monday


i am not okay with the new re-animated orville redenbacher popcorn ads. i watched the golden globes with jmk and nr, as she was visiting from dc (yay!) and they kept playing the ad, and jmk found this article. too creepy. it looks like they dug up his corpse and made him into a puppet.

my friends ds and mc got engaged over xmas and asked me to be in their wedding, which is really flattering and i'm excited for. i've never been in a wedding before, except for when i was a flower girl for my uncle's wedding when i was seven. this isn't, ahem, because i don't have very many friends, but because hardly any of my friends are married. i've been invited to less than ten weddings since i've been in college. i'm totally looking forward to all of the weddings that i am sure i will attend some day, since i have lots of kool and interesting friends who deserve to be with someone just as amazing, but no one's in all that big of a rush, or haven't found the right person yet, or are discriminated against because they're gay. me and my single friends are not alone - there are now more women who aren't married in america than who are. this article is pretty good and breaks it all down for you.

i have only owned one car, and even then i only had it the year i lived in new hampshire, as they have zero forms of public transportation. i don't want a car. but i do kinda want one of these. i read mj's post about it and went lookin. his blog is great. i like his collection of the best bumper stickers of 2006.

when i heard about the murder of adrienne shelly, i was really saddened, especially because the circumstances were so fucked up. the movie waitress, which she wrote, directed, and acted in, is debuting at sundance. i'll want to see it, and i hope that her work can overshadow her death.

speaking of death, here's two to not be sad about: saddam's two douchebags who were hung. plus i had them on my dead pool, so now i have 84 points, which is almost twice what i ended up with in the 2006 dead pool. bc must have been readin the same papers i was, because he was the only other person who had them. he'll be close, but i still know that i'm gonna win.

blue monday: one of the best new order songs, and what today is. scientifically speaking, january 22 is the suckiest of all. i have a bad cold and work dragged, so i agree.

all right, 2006 was so last month, and so are end-of-the-year lists, but here's another good one: albums that didn't make the best-of-the-year lists, and why they just missed the mark. okay, fine, one more: things that were small in 06. as in, no one cared. hhahaha.

i heard about "gender genie," this supposedly-scientific program that breaks down your writing and can tell if you're a man or a woman, so i fed it some boring shit i wrote at work, and it decided that i am a man. then i cut-and-paste my blog entry from january 15, and it decided that i am a man. i am not a man. go try it here. it don't work.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

awesomest bookmark ever

the guy who delivers the mail in our building just brought me a pamphlet that outlines the emergency procedures in case of fire, severe weather, medical emergency, and a bomb threat. pretty standard shit that the management company is required to do. what's totally rad is a blue card insert that says "place this card under your telephone" and one side walks you through how to take a bomb threat over the phone while the other is a checklist to help you identify the caller. i LOVE this card.

side one - QUESTIONS TO ASK

1. when is the bomb going to explode?
2. where is it right now?
3. what does it look like?
4. what kind of bomb is it?
5. what will cause it to explode?
6. did you place the bomb?
7. why?
8. what is your address?
9. what is your name?

then there are some blank lines to fill out "exact wording of threat," followed by lines for: sex of caller, race, age, number at which call is received, length of call, and the date and time.

do i even have to begin explaining why this is fucking hilarious?

side two - caller's voice checklist

choose one or more of: calm, angry, excited, slow, rapid, soft, loud, laughter, crying, normal, distinct, slurred, nasal, stutter, lisp, raspy, deep, ragged, clearing throat, deep breathing, cracking voice, disguised, accent, familiar.

there is a part to fill out if you have an answer to this question: "if the voice is familiar, who did it sound like?"

another checklist - background sound: street noises, crockery [??????], voices, PA system, music, house noises, motor, office machinery, factory machinery, animal noises, clear, static, local, long distance, booth, other - specify.

another checklist - threat language: well spoken (educated), foul, irrational, incoherent, taped, message read by threat maker

then there is a section for your remarks, and then the card tells you to report the call immediately to 911.

i will . . . after i'm done making sure i have correctly and completely filled out my card.

Monday, January 15, 2007

clips, snips


saw children of men tonight. it was really good and violent and thought-provoking with the parallels between current events and what is supposedly going on in 2027. and clive owen is pretty easy to watch. also, watched an inconvenient truth on friday. quite the double-feature of depressingness. anyone who doesn't believe in global warming and how scary it is ought to be made into soylent green and fed to the future generations. if there are future generations.

anyway, here are is some randomness for you:

pos put together a dead pool 2007 blog so we can track the participants' lists and post the upcoming deaths. RIP lily munster!

js's friend has a purty photo blog of stuff in and around san fran. bookmark it - it's rad.

"the good ole days" when everyone was proper and pure is a fallacy. your granny was a slutbag, just like you.

wanna puke? click here.

fb sent me this - he was supposed to have a "game theory" class with this guy at penn this semester, but the prof killed his wife instead. i take real exception to the fact that "Authorities said Ellen Robb's injuries were so extensive they initially thought she was killed with a shotgun blast to the face" - fucking psycho! btw, i find it high comedy that little fb is like a secret economics genius. i hope the TA is good - this guy wont be dropping in to teach.

end-of-year lists are always great to read, to see if you saw all of the movies you should have and listened to all of the albums everyone thought were fantastic, but sometimes i prefer reminders of just how annoying the past 365 days were.

speaking of end-of-the-year lists, it's funny how some bands can be so celebrated and fawned over, and then they disappear, or eventually prove to be total disappointments. i own a lot of these albums - i still love travis, even though their albums after the man who were zzzzzzzzz. i don't like the mean comments about live through this ("the set of ugly, shrill, half-assed half-anthems") because that album is the soundtrack to my 17-year-old self.

one thing i truly love about the cyberweb is that it allows for all sorts of smartasses to post re-edited movies, trailer clips taken out of context, and mashups. here is tom hanks as the new james bond, which was pretty amusing, and here is a seriously great edit of the absurd-looking wicker man movie that over-emoter nicolas cage was in. it's like two minutes long and i was seriously laughing out loud at how retarded it was, and how brilliant the editing. if only most movies were boiled down just so.

this is perhaps the happiest xmas animated movie ever created (if "my dick in a box" were animated, that might win). i guess, when you get right down to it, you should pity lindsay lohan. whatevs - she's worth soooo many points in the dead pool!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

dating is fun


pos forwarded this to me with the note "this describes the last two girls i dated" (i am assuming that he meant before me and that i am not one of the two). this is funny. i could easily write a similar narrative describing the past few guys i have gone out on dates with. and maybe i will. i don't know where this came from, but at the bottom of the forward it was noted that it was written by "poop man bob." enjoy . . .

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room. Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

my laptop is a LOSER


there is no new post today because my fucking laptop crashed just as i was about to insert a photo into the awesome, hysterical, link-filled, utterly amazing post i had spent an hour working on. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

Friday, January 05, 2007

dead pool 2007

dun-dun-dun . . . here it is. my choices for those most likely to die in 2007. i contribute $5 a month to the pot, $60 for the year, and wait for god to take his children home (or send them to hell, depending). we’ve got at least seven other players this year, so the jackpot could be $600 or more. last year’s list was no good – i only made 47 points, and all of those were in december. basically, 2006’s winner of $300, one of pos’ friends, had the edge with don knotts. my strategy for the year: a few terrorists, lots of really old people, a couple deeply disturbed youngins, and a smattering of the terminally ill. godspeed!

addendum: when they're dead, i'll update in red.

DEAD POOL 2007

1) Awad Hamed al-Bandar (39 points)
2) Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti (45 points)
3) Ayman al-Zawahri
4) Lauren Bacall
5) Tammy Faye Bakker (35 points)
6) Bob Barker
7) Chuck Berry
8) Osama bin Laden
9) Mel Brooks
10) Fidel Castro
11) Carol Channing
12) Dick Clark
13) Walter Cronkite
14) Olivia de Havilland
15) Phyllis Diller
16) Pete Doherty
17) Kirk Douglas
18) Peter Falk
19) Michael J Fox
20) Zsa Zsa Gabor
21) Estelle Getty
22) John Glenn
23) Billy Graham
24) Andy Griffith
25) Charleton Heston
26) Lady Bird Johnson (6 points)
27) BB King
28) Cloris Leachman
29) Jerry Lewis
30) Lindsay Lohan
31) Norman Mailer
32) Nelson Mandela
33) Ed McMahon
34) Les Paul
35) Prince Philip
36) Nancy Reagan
37) Nicole Richie
38) Andy Rooney
39) Mickey Rooney
40) Jane Russell
41) JD Salinger
42) Ravi Shankar
43) Ariel Sharon
44) Elizabeth Taylor
45) Margaret Thatcher
46) Studs Turkel
47) Kurt Vonnegut, Jr (16 points)
48) Elie Wiesel
49) Jonathan Winters
50) Jane Wyman

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

i lassoed a real, honest-to-god unicorn


margaret cho has a stand-up show called i'm the one that i want, and all i really remember about it is that she says that on the rare occasions that she meets cute and smart men who also happen to be straight, she wants to ask them, "are you a unicorn?"

i don't wanna gush, but this morning, as pos drove me to work (he's still off for the holidays but had no problem offering to get up and leave my place by 8:00 so that he could sit in traffic), he handed me a sephora bag. i was like "what's this?" and he said that he felt bad that he hadn't been able to find a bottle of burberry weekend or marc jacobs perfume for me for christmas, as i had on my list, which was downsy of him to say, since he got me the entire burberry gift set, which had like five little bottles of all of the perfumes that they make, and i opened the bag and he had bought me a bottle of marc jacobs. i was like "oh my god, you didn't have to do that, i love this, oh my god" and then i was worried that maybe i'm really not as good to him as he is to me (which my mother actually scolded me about over christmas, after he had given her a bouquet of flowers, and i joking asked where mine were, and she was like "hey! you get flowers ALL THE TIME - i hope you know how good you have it. i hope you're nice to him"), so i told him, and he laughed, and he said of course i am good to him, because i make him sammiches.

holy christ, he is a total unicorn.

also: how much do i love that he is a southside irish catholic bluecollar white sox fan who takes me to plays and reads joyce carol oates?

no more dear-diary-i-love-my-boyfriend posts. but i think that he, and his utter unicorn-ness, deserves a shout-out.