Monday, February 26, 2007

happy birfday to me.


got back from new york tonight. i have amazing, generous, hysterical friends who i miss a lot and always show me a great time. i have the perfect boyfriend. i have a lot to be thankful for, despite being soooo old now. i kept telling everyone that, come monday, they were all dead to me, as i would be 30 and thus starting my new life. i have reconsidered this position, because they seriously showed me the best time i could have possibly had.

pos and i got in friday afternoon and went to get mac and cheese at a restaurant that only serves mac and cheese with jms and rm, and then went a'drinkin with a bunch of my peeps at a kool kidz bar in the east village. there is a pizza place around the corner from the ecf/rm/lk apartment that i like a lot, so pos and i walked down to grab a slice of ziti-topped pizza while we waited for them to make us a cheese to take to the bar for everyone. pos is southside chicago and takes his thin-crust pizza a little too seriously, but he admitted how excellent - and possibly superior - nyc pizza can be. rb rolled in from dc, i got to see am and tc, and lk let us stay in her room, which was totally awesome, as there was no way that pos and i could have shared the pull-out loveseat, and floor space isn't exactly abundant in a nyc apartment, even if it does have two bedrooms on one floor and one up a ladder-like staircase like the ecf/rm/lk palace.

after brunch with friends on saturday, pos and i went walking around midtown and into central park, and then met up with em at the museum of arts and design, as she took the train into the city just to see us and because she thought that if we were meant to go anywhere in the city together, it was certainly to see a show about subversive crafting. when we lived together i was crafting up a storm - pot holders and paint-by-numbers and cross-stitch - and she has always been a decoupage, photography, collage person. we went and got schnacks and walked around the park, and she had to take the train back to jersey but smiled and told me that i was gonna loooove what everyone had in store for me that night.

after a slice of pizza, we went back to the apartment and were hanging around drinking beer and i mentioned that i ought to go change to get ready to go, and rm and lk were like "yeah, we actually have something for you to wear" and busted out this totally awesome tshirt with a twister-esque pie chart on it and a photo of me mounted on cardboard and attached in the middle as a spinner. it is SO FUCKING AWESOME - it has actions for me to do after it is spun, which were "lick someone," "act like a lady," "spin again," "do a shot," "drink," and "dance, bitch! dance!" i was dying laughing. they also made pos a shirt, where they took a photo of me petting a dog that was taken a few years ago and photoshopping pos laying down under a blanket, and my hand is positioned to that it looks like i am grabbing his crotch. super klassy!!!

i wanted to go to kgb bar, my favorite new york nightspot because it's close to the ecf/rm/lk apartment and it's just a cool place where you can usually grab a table and hear what people are saying to you, and more people came out to help celebrate. totally random: pos spotted a guy who looked like rob sheffield and i was like "that IS rob sheffield," sitting at a table with a group of people. i typically get more excited about seeing/meeting writers more than actors and musicians, because i am a wordaholic and am usually more effected by an amazing story that is beautifully written than by a performance or a string of notes. pos bought me his book love is a mix tape and when i was done reading it i had this total desire to email him - it's a heartbreaking and perfect memoir of his wife, who suddenly died when they were 30. i love all of the pop culture stuff he writes for rolling stone, but this was unexpectedly lovely and tragic and ultimately optimistic. mad props for how amazing this little book is. so i never did email him, but i didn't want to be drunk and lame and wearing a spinner t-shirt and gushing that it's my birthday party and his book broke my heart, so i didn't talk to him but i was happy to have seen him.

anyway, rm and lk showed up with a big bakery box and i was like "mmm - cake!!!" and everyone was like "um, are you ready?" they all took off their sweaters and shirts to reveal that everyone was wearing a shirt with a photo of me, or a representation of my life from the past few years (my southpark character, random photos, the bird couch - which is a story for another time). this was seriously awesome. then they opened the box and holy fucking shit, that was the most depraved - and rad - cake i had ever seen. i have long been fond of talking about vag, vajayjays, vageens, and all of these people have been around for, participated in and encouraged some of the filthiest funniest talk about such matters. they told me that they wanted to have "it's like thowing a hotdog down a hallway - happy 30th" but that "vag of honor" fit better (inspired by the graphic that am sent out earlier in the week and which i posted about feb 21). it was from masturbakers, which is like three doors down from the apartment. the cake was quite good and i of course had to pose with it as i licked it and gave it the shocker. so sick. so fucking funny. i have never tasted actual vag before, but that was really tasty.

i cannot tell my family about this cake, and i am thankful that my boyfriend thought it was amusing.

i also got really great little giftys like a corndog air freshener (mmm! fresh!) and a "what would a unicorn do?" spinner folder.

after sleeping off the beer and sugarvag on sunday, pos and i checked into the times square hilton, which i had paid for with all of the hilton points i have accumulated from all of my random work trips, and we went and saw liev schriber in talk radio, which was seriously great - he has the perfect voice and is a great actor. the famale lead was the pretty blonde DA from law and order: svu, which i think i watch more than i realize (a law and order is ALWAYS on). we walked around times square, i haggled with a street vendor for a great blue handbag, we went to dinner at a nice italian restaurant, and we laid in bed and watched the oscars. even though today was my birthday proper and was spent at the airport, trying to get on a standby flight so we could avoid the snow both in new york and chicago, and then just sort of laying around and eating thai delivery for dinner, this was seriously the best birthday i could have possibly had. everything was sooo fun. and now i am 30, and i don't feel any different. not that i thought i would; i was just momentarily concerned.

enjoy the photos. they barely serve the cake and the t-shirts justice.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

brand new shoes, walking blues/climb the fence, books and pens/i can tell that we are gonna be friends


there's an excellent, raving lunatic rant against cashiers over at les misc. full disclosure: i wrote it.

am sent me this for the headline graphic. god i love the word vag.

here is a blog called "let's be friends" that consists of photos of animals that are unexpectedly hanging out. i vacillate between thinking "oh, that's cute" and "god, Animal People are such nerds." some of the photos are actually really creepy, especially those with ugly monkeys and one that is titled "breakfast in bed." i want a squirrel and possibly a hedgehog, and i think that i really really want a fawn. not a deer. a fawn.

jc, tc and i wrote poems to one another this afternoon to express our frustrations with work. this one is super sad/funny and also brilliantly describes the life of an office drone:

A cry for help.

By JC

I have a degree
It sits framed on my bookshelf.
Please acknowledge it.
Please acknowledge me.

i apparently don't have much this week. whatevs. it's my last week of my 20s - i am allowed to forget what i wanted to say. dementia.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

she eyes me like a pisces when i am weak


kurt would have been 40 today. this was texted to me by my sister, but i knew already. we both care about this - we always have. lots of people still care. it's funny to be so old and still feel like a 17-year-old. i'm a pisces, too - i'm turning 30 next monday. to celebrate, pos and i are going to new york to hang out with my peeps, go see talk radio, stay in a fancy hotel for a night, walk around central park, drink, eat, and have basically a nice close to a very long and sometimes strange decade. i think of who i was at 20 and wonder if my 30-year-old self will be totally unrecognizable but still so accessible when i'm turning 40. i have very few qualms about turning 30. i don't look it, act it, or feel it, and i feel bad that pos has to be seven years older than me for a few months, so i'll take it.

my friend jh sent me an email reminding me that there was still time to prove right all those who thought that i wouldn't live to see 30.

i now know what i missed (didn't miss) at the white castle valentine's day dinner because thighs wide shut blogged about it. i really like that site - excellent really weird references linked all ovah tha place.

i'm pretty excited about the movie breach because i was fairly obsessed by the robert hanssen spy case when it first came out. i heart the washington post madly - i was a total addict when i lived in dc because they always cover the coolest shit and i still read it online every day. the international spy museum in dc has a robert hanssen exhibit, too - that's a rad museum. read all about the movie and the case here.

pos is currently taking photos of one of his watches to sell on ebay. i need to get him to sell some of the shit i no longer need/want. goodwill has a new service that is just like ebay, which is a great idea. click here to check it out.

despite my participation in the dead pool, i really do feel for people who die untimely deaths. the anna nicole smith drugged out of her mind and in clown makeup video that hit the internet yesterday makes me seriously depressed, and i don't find much glee in britney spears' recent descent into utter madness. this makes me sad, too - another model died of malnutrition. this one is actually the sister of one of the models who just died (i think she was one on the diet coke and apples diet, not the lettuce and water). it's sick to hear her handlers make excuses. sorry, bitches, but 18-year-olds don't just die of heart attacks.

no more for today. no more!!!

Friday, February 16, 2007

1-800-flowers still sucks

i just got 12 long-stemmed de-thorned red roses with baby's breath and a clear vase. the delivery card noted wednesday, feb 14 (two days ago). about half of the flowers are starting to wilt and the water in the vase is cloudy and yellow. also, the whole thing is freezing.

i think that whoever was supposed to deliver them was on a crack binge and my flowers just sat with the delivery guy in a van down by the river for the past few days. and then he switched out half of the wilted flowers with half of a healthier bouquet's, so that he then had two just-okay bunches unstead of one nice and one crap. this is why they were two days late and half of them are dying.

or, it could be that 1-800-flowers is just a shitty company. but pos already got his money back (or they at least TOLD him this). i found out how much he spent on these and i was like "oh my god, don't ever do that again. go to jewel and get me a $7 bouquet if you want to give me flowers." i love the gesture, but these aren't worth that much.

i did get a card with the flowers. it's on crappy 1-800-flowers cardstock and was generically printed IN BOLD AND IN ALL CAPS AND ITALICIZED, so it's weird to read - like it is screaming, with lots of emphasis. it says, among some mushy stuff, "i hope it has a happy valentine's day . . . i still think this is a hallmark holiday, but i want it to be happy." i love it when he calls me "it." thanks for the flowers, the card, and the aggravation you suffered, pos.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

1-800-flowers sucks


my magical mystical unicorn boyfriend is so fucking pissed at 1-800-flowers that i pity the person who eventually has to deal with him. he ordered me valentine's day flowers (roses, maybe, probably, not sure) like a week ago and actually paid extra to have them delivered on time on valentine's day. he IMed me around 2:00 and casually dropped "so, did anything exciting happen today?" and i was like "not really. i ate a lot of candy" and he said "hmmmmm." he later called my office's 1-800 line and got the member service center, which is actually a cluster of cubicles about 15 feet away from my office and talked to this woman ts, explaining who he was and asking if she could possibly see if i got my flowers yet. i was sitting in my office, totally oblivious, and she popped her head in and said "hi," looked around, and ducked out. finally around 4:00 he called and was like "i didn't want to ruin the surprise, but what the fuck?" he kept calling 1-800-flowers and, like all businesses with amazing customer service, connected him immediately to voicemail, which then disconnected. it's like THEY KNOW that they're horrible and rip you off and they don't even want to hear your complaints, much less deal with them.

what, did the nation's largest florist not realize that they might have a higher-than-average demand for flowers on valentine's day?

i didn't get them today, either. assholes! DO NOT use this company.

poor pos. he's way more mad than i am. i am so happy with the mere gesture, i hope those dickwads never deliver them and give him all of his money back.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

fistful of love


i felt the love when:
they let us out of work at 3:00
but i didn't when:
it was because we just got a shitload of snow dumped on us
i felt the love when:
i curled up on the couch to watch the dreamers (which was creepy but good)
but i didn't when:
the biggest, nastiest muthafuckin bug crawled across my floor and i threw my shoe at it and then it went under the radiator and now i am scared
i felt the love when:
my mom called
but i didn't when:
she let me go after five minutes because she wanted to watch the westminster dog show
i felt the love when:
my bf, snowed in at his house 17 miles away, called
but i didn't when:
i told him about my little friend under the radiator and he freaked me out about how carol has probably infested my building with roaches and insects and garbage-eating vermin and that when i'm asleep, the bug will return and crawl on my face and i'll probably accidentally swallow it, as this happens all the time. he thinks he's hysterical.
i felt the love when:
i am starting to get my appetite back and tried to eat a can of nice, low-sodium healthy choice chicken noodle soup for dinner
but i didn't when:
i tasted it

ah well. tomorrow will probably be better. i have hello kitty valentines to deliver to my work friends, i'm going over to pos' for dinner tomorrow night, and i have some great little presents to give him. and i fully intend to eat chocolate tomorrow, now that i am no longer scared of food in general and animal byproducts in particular.

i kinda wanted to do this for valentine's day tomorrow night, but my stomach isn't feeling up to the joke.

in honor of tomorrow, which the greeting card industry (and crappy mall jewelry stores and 1-800-flowers and whitman's samplers and catholic saints) is to blame all the hype on, here is an interesting story about gifts whose entire points are to be obnoxiously expensive, as well as how economists argue that the only financially sensible gift to give is cash, which is terribly romantic. here's a ten dollar bill, go buy yourself somethin pretty.

sarah silverman answers your love and sex questions here.

that's all i've got on this cold wintery night. gonna go to bed with a can of raid and a brick.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

do you need a new favorite band?














of course you do. click here and download all of these tracks from moxie motive. recorded live in chicago on dec 16. you will like. NO. you will love.

craziness abounds


before i say anything else, i just want to go on the record and say that i am sad about the untimely death of anna nicole smith. she was a total mess and clearly had substance abuse, if not mental (retardation) problems, and she had a tabloid-perfect life (who's the babydaddy, why'd her son die, what's with the lawyer/faux husband/leech, did she really sleep with that ancient gajillionaire, how'd she lose 3000 pounds in a month, why can't i turn away from this repulsive spectacle), but no one should die in a hotel room at the age of 39, especially when she has a five-month old.

that being said, i fear that i am no longer going to win the dead pool, as i neglected to have her on my list. i didn't see it coming, though i probably should have, but anna nicole seemed like the kind of random indestructible booze-and-pills hound who would be around for ages. kinda like liza minelli.

before all news outets were obsessing about anna nicole, they were freaking out about the lady astronaut who was obsessed with a gentleman astronaut who i guess was dating a different astronautess, so she drove to an airport to "talk to her," meaning probably kill her . . . i'm not entirely sure, but i do know for a fact that she was wearing a diaper as she drove the 900 miles to find her rival, because this is what all news outlets have been loudly adding to every piece of coverage. also, she wasn't dating and/or fucking the guy, she was just obsessed with him. the only reason anyone cares is because they're astronauts, who are pretty much revered as the smartest and sanest heroes employed by the federal government. otherwise, whatevs, this story belongs on a current affair. it is pretty funny, though - i got an email with the subject line "houston, she has a problem." i wonder if this case will help the new pg-rated billy bob thornton movie, the astronaut farmer, which is apparently about a farmer . . . astronaut. that's probably the worst movie title i've heard in a while.

there have been seven confirmed victims of violent illness from attendees at the super bowl party i went to sunday night. it was a great time, other than the whole bears sucking part, with lots of good food and beer and friends. i don't know if it was something we ate or if it was a general collection of breathing in one another's various viruses and sickness, but DAMN did i get sick tuesday afternoon, and i spent all day yesterday in various stages of being dazed, crazed and pukey. i decided that i was never going to eat food or feel like a normal human being again. i was so out of it i spent 20 minutes scouring my stove because i was sick of lolling about in bed. pos was really sick, too, except that he got ill and then got better about 10 hours ahead of my schedule, so he brought me soup and saltines and gatorade and fruit last night (when is the deadline for the 2007 Best Boyfriend Evah competition?), and when i opened the door he said, "holy shit, you are WHITE."

but i feel like a fucking champ today. being super gross sick is pretty life-affirming the first day you feel better. i'm still boycotting real food, though.

so anyway, here's some cyberweb goodness for you:

i . . . don't . . . quite . . . understand . . . this . . . but i like it.

these are fuckin rad!

you think you've got problems?

i heart this man. sorry about adding you to my dead pool, kurt, but i like to think that you would be mildly amused.

ecf sent this to me with the subject line "new saturday night strategy." hahahahaha.

local newscasts: well, you have to fill an entire half-hour five days a week somehow. thanks jmk.

i totally forgot about this until jmk sent it to me. i just want bangbangbang. so dubm. so awes.

Monday, February 05, 2007

so . . . cold. so . . . very . . . c . . . o . . . l . . . d . . .


this is what i wore today (it was nine below, wind chill thirty fucking below): a pair of tights, a pair of socks, corduroys, boots, tank top, shirt, long sweater, scarf under my sweater, puffy down-filled coat, ginormous wool scarf over my coat, fleece gloves, wool goves over the other pair, wool hat with ear flaps. i looked crazy and was still cold. i want a facemask with only eyeholes, but that's only cute on children - it makes you look like you're gonna rob a bank if you're an adult.

i don't really watch snl anymore, other than youtube clips before nbc orders them removed. apparently drew barrymore hosted this weekend, and here are two funny sketches: a pitch-perfect 1984 jazzercise home video, and the dakota fanning show. still not funny enough for me to not actually have a social life on saturday nights.

jmk sent me this link, where you are instructed to click on european countries to test your map skillz. man, i'm retarded. i hope no one ever asks me to point out anything other than italy (it's that boot-lookin thing), russia (it's rilly rilly big) or the countries that get a lot of play (united kingdom, ireland, spain, germany). i can't even find croatia without a bunch of hints - my mean croat granny would say something shitty to me if she knew. i mean, more shitty than what she usually says.

saw the body worlds 2 exhibit at the museum of science and industry this weekend with pos, his brother, his sister-in-law, and their three kids. it's awesome to get the opinions of a six-year-old girl on plasticized corpses, especially when they're arranged as if they are ice skating or skiing. i have seen cadavers in anatomy labs, so i wasn't totally grossed out, but i was fairly disturbed. the fetus room was creepy, especially with the corpse of a woman who died when she was five months pregnant. pos' neice told me matter-of-factly at nearly each body "i can see his penis." more interesting to me than the human bodies was the huge cut-open camel that they had on display. they left his humps intact, though, which disappointed me, as i really want to know what's in there. that black eyed peas song "my humps" makes me want to stab myself in the face, though, i hate it so much.

one of my new obsessions is dunkin donuts coffee. starbucks tastes like wet batteries and costs half-a-pack-of-smokes (how i measure all non-necessities), and i can get a $3 lunch at dd if i am broke (an everything bagel with egg and cheese with a medium coffee). when i stay at pos' on wednesday nights, i congratulate myself for getting up super early and enduring the bus/train/bus commute by buying a cup of coffee at the dunkin donuts stand at the midway el stop. my mummy even mailed me a dd coupon book that is, for real, amazing - free this, fifty-cent that. speaking of coupons, i got a really random one on the back of my banquet frozen dinner i had for lunch today (on sale at the jewel for $1 - this is for when i am SUPER broke) - a free game at a participating bowling alley. their ad was "family time on our dime." if you're feeding your kids banquet frozen turkey dinners, a free bowling outing is not going to make you a better parent. but i digress - it is now an established fact that cheap fast-food coffee is better than the gourmet "lifestyle" coffee that a barista overcharges for you.

something i learned this week: what a spermophile is. i had to wikipedia it for proof. it's because it's a "seed lover." and because squirrels are sluts.

two trailers that jmk sent me: aqua teen hunger force colon movie film for theaters (the premier should sooo be in boston) and the fast track. the fast track features zach braff (eh), jason bateman (yay), and lots of what appears to be a lot of disabled jokes. brahahahah - nuthin funnier than a wheelchair!!!! that was sarcasm. he also sent this faux commercial for tickle me emo, which i quite enjoyed.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

mnew mnemonic device for you

i went to text ee last night to see when her episode of jeopardy is on (WHICH IS TOMORROW, BTW. i'm taping it, since chicago plays it at 3:30 in the afternoon and i gots a job) and i was like, "sigh - she's gonna think i'm an idiot for not knowing how to spell jeopardy. i never get it right." and then pos told me that he always remembers how to spell it because it's just like "leopardy," you know, like a leopard, except with a J. that is soooo fucking cute - and retarded! how often are you writing the word "leopardy," pos? hahahahahaha. ps: sorry, baby.

wtf is wrong with blogger? i keep trying to post this article but it keeps mysteriously disappearing from my post. i just want to say that i have invented a new word for black nerds, which is blerds. i love blerds! alert the nyt!

more weird racist comments here. oh, christ, we're gonna be fucked again. can the dems PLEASE - PLEASE - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - find someone who is worthy of being president, if not electable? please? apparently sen. biden isn't it. he said that obama is "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy." CHRIST, dude, i don't care how out of context you claim to have been, this is NOT HELPING.

also totally mind-boggling-over-how-retarded-people-can-be: fucking please. people are so scared of things that they see as affronts to their religious beliefs - you know, like dinosaurs and yoga. yeah, teaching kids to stretch and breathe are really dangerous ideas. i do want to sit in on a PraiseMoves class sometime, though. jesus would totally do yoga if he were still around. it fits in with his hippie lifestyle perfectly.


jmk sent this collection of photos of the five scariest roads in the world. no shit. hk and i went to costa rica for my 26th bday and missed the bus to manuel antonio, so we paid some guy what amounted to about $30 to drive us for three hours on a terrifying mountain road with no gaurd rails. hk turned to me at one point and said, "my parents would be so fucking mad at me if they knew about this." AND jmk sent this link, which proves that british media are so much more informative and amusing than the american media could ever hope to be.

aqua teen hunger force was confusing to me at first (like, why is it called that, and is that seriously a meatball, and why am i strangely drawn to the meatball, etc) but i think it's damn funny. even more funny: that boston basically shut down yesterday because lit advertisements of one of the show's aliens giving the finger made everyone panic. thanks to ecf for the link. hoping that it's just as funny: sarah silverman has a new show starting tonight, i do believe, on comedy central. oh, and jmk just sent me a breaking news update - the two guys who installed the athf promos and were arrested were just released, and they held a press conference where all they did is basically fuck with the press.

paris hilton is a midwestern high school wrestler? also, i love that the strain is a deviation of the word "gladiator" - like wrestling giving you herpes wasn't gay enough already.

i want a kitty and can't have one. but now i can have this. does it come in overweight orange?

i don't watch soaps (but i did for a week last year as a part of the dearly departed "do something new each week" campaign that i dropped as soon as it got warm out), but the best week ever blog has kept me up to date on zarf, the best soap character since timmy. watch all of his/her clips here.