Thursday, March 29, 2007

"if i could be one thing i'd be a cigarette/so close to your lips/so full of regret"

i went to marshall's for lunch to look for a present (can't talk about it yet but most def will when i can, because what i found was utterly amazing) and ended up also looking for a new sumthin sumthin to wear to eb's bachelorette party in philly this weekend. i don't wear mumus or bright red shirts with APPLE BOTTOMS printed on them in gold, so i wandered over to the junior's section, which i never find anything in. i don't even bother looking at pants anymore, too, unless i need capris, because i need to go online to find pants that fit my stature. anyway, with the current trend of super-long shirts and layers, i have been having better luck (i ought to stock up on a lifetime supply of long tank tops and shirts while i can), and i found a really rad red-and-black striped shirt that's long and looks good. i also tried on a pink shirt with small silver stars all over it. i didn't end up buying it because it didn't look very good on me, and i am only telling you this because it was made by a company called self-esteem, which made me start laughing when i looked at the tag (which was shaped like a butterfly and was all hologrammy). the fact that it didn't fit right actually did not destroy my feelings of self-worth, and i left the shirt at the store to be picked up by an actual junior.

started taking chantix and have cut down a lot on the smokes - about 5 a day. monday, my quit day, is looming. the med side-effect of vivid dreams is cool - my dreams have been very busy the past two nights. one involved my sister and took place in denver, and my dream last night had pos and i in india. i take it back when i complained that chantix is too expensive - i get to travel to lands near and far, and it's (i hope?) healthier than tripping on acid.

thank god my wife died? these books' titles totally made me laugh (link found on mj's blog). i want them to hire me to write ALL of these books. even if none of them apply to me, i bet i could do it, and i bet it would be hella fun to sit down and be like "today i get to write about my experiences as a drug-addicted prostitute." these are the modern-day answer to the book go ask alice, which was total propaganda that backfired: i used to read it all the time in the seventh grade and couldnt wait until i was old enough to score some drugs, because this book made them sound awesome.

dear netflix, you make me happy, and now i want to work for you.

tb had free passes to go see blades of glory last night but couldn't make it, so pos and i went. thanks tb! it was super funny. like, dumb, obvious-joke, ridiculous-costume, nice-cameos funny. pos thought it was retarded, but he was laughing. i never saw talladega nights, but i am a fan of anchorman, and it was just as good as that. better than kicking and screaming, but then again, most movies are. here is an article about how they got the gay jokes right.

speaking of skating, how did i miss this show?

and, finally: she must be a total size queen.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

one of my med's side-effects: vivid dreams. awesome!

thanks for all of your sweet messages about me quitting smoking. i keep telling everyone i'm done april 2, so now i'm gonna have to, cuz i ain't no liar.

so here's the deal - i just picked up my prescription to chantix, a new stop-smoking drug. i tried zyban in 2002, which was a total mess. it made me stop caring about smoking, sure, but it also made me stop caring about work, hanging out with friends, and life in general. not that i was suicidal - i was just one flatlined gray area. when i quit the zyban (which is basically just wellbutrin, an anti-depressant, which fucks with you if you're not depressed) after a month and started smoking two months after that, lots of my friends were like "um, not to encourage your terrible habit or anything, but thank god."

chantix isn't brain-altering per se - it prevents nicotine from attaching to your brain receptors, but then somehow makes you not crave it, either. yeah, i don't know. i guess it's like the anti-opiate implant that totally didn't work for pete doherty, or the drug they give hardcore alcoholics that makes them violently ill when they drink, but minus the pain. supposedly, after a week, i'll try smoking and just think it's grody. so, uhh, we'll see how this works. it has the highest success rate of any stop-smoking drugs (44 percent). and since it's new, it isn't covered by insurance. which means that i just dropped $246.78 at walgreens for a two-month supply. alls i gots to say about that is that you better fucking work, bitch.

just one more quit-smoking thing for today: i saved this off of msn a while ago, and part of my Grand Plan to Quitting is that when i usually go outside to have a smoke at work (at 10, noon, 1 and 3), i'm going to go walk around the block instead. it's the little things, people. i basically have to stop doing what i do every single day at the same time, and i am a creature of habit.

anyway . . .

i have a new nomination for the worst tattoo i have ever seen (click here) but the first photo on this page is probably the worst collage/collection of band tattoos i have ever seen (both for subjects as well as artwork).

in case you are interested in these things as well:

a documentary about meth!

an article about mika!

brooke astor is still alive and still rich!

people are fucking retarded!

the internet is the perfect filing cabinet for all kitsch and nostalgia!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

countdown to the quit

the time has come. it's been over 12 years that i have been an every-day smoker. i "smoked" in high school, but it wasn't until college that i actually became a smoker. other than the three months in 2002 that i quit, i have smoked every day many times (usually half a pack, which i have considered a very manageable addiction, especially since there were years that i smoked a pack plus daily). i smoked when i had bronchitis and bad colds. i've gone out in blizzards to buy a pack. the first pack i ever bought, when i was 14, cost $1.19. a pack of camel lights in chicago runs me about $7.25. if i smoke four packs a week, that's about $30 a week. that's over $1500 a year. that's pathetic. that's a kick-ass overseas vacation. that's a really nice laptop. that's a marc jacobs handbag - and not even a marc by marc jacobs. so i've spent, easily, over $12,000 on cigarettes. that literally makes me want to vomit.

they're always trying to implement new health initiatives at work - they handed out pedometers, we can have an extra 15 minutes after lunch if we spend it walking, we get free health screenings every year. the new plan is for all of the smokers to take an 8-week class, part support-group and part educational class, to quit. they're paying for half of it and if we quit they'll reimburse us for the other half. i actually missed last week's, which was the first class, but i am joining in tomorrow. rumor has it that the actual quit date for us all is april 2.

first step: i smoked my last camel light this afternoon, and then bought a pack or marlboro lights at the gas station. i hate marlboro lights - they taste like ass. so when i have to get some nicotine, i'm not going to enjoy it.

i'm basically only typing this all up (no links, no jokes) to have some sort of accountability. it's probably really boring, but i'm not lame enough to have a blog AND to lie on it (just having a blog is nerdy enough), so if it helps me quit, that's good enough.

gonna smoke a marlb (ick) and go to bed. wish me luck.

Friday, March 23, 2007

secrets secrets are no fun secrets secrets hurt someone

these are some of the post secret cards that i have been saving when they come up every sunday.

i wish they archived them, but i guess it makes sense not to, since they keep publishing books of the compiled cards.

i want to start making some of my own cards and mailing them in, but i don't have any secrets worth telling.

maybe that is my secret.

click to enlarge if you gots to.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

best protest sign ever.

i am not alone in my appreciation for the gossip's show at sxsw. beth ditto has an amazing voice, and is quite the entertainer. i mean that in complete sincerity. she's rad, and it's nice to finally see someone clearly not give a fuck that she is not cookie-cutter cute. all of the comments posted about the photo are interesting - people can be really cruel and immature (especially when typing anonymously).

the onion
's av club speaks to p.o.s. (must be the meaning behind the sticker from the last post). p.o.s. is a rapper; pos is my bf. still unsure as to what p.o.s. stands for - pos stands for paddy o's-startingirishlastname. his dad is as old as my granny and moved to canada from ireland when he was in his late teens, moved to buffalo for a few years and ended up in chicago, where he met pos' mom (who is almost 20 years younger). he still has the thick brogue - the first time we went to dinner i just kept smiling and saying "i'm sorry, what?" because i would catch like 1/4 of what he was telling me. despite this, he hearts me, because we drink tea and watch tv together and he tells me funny stories about rebel rousing in the 50s.

after pos chose eva green as his one exemption to our relationship (meaning on the highly likely chance that he can have sex with her, i can't get mad when he does), i kept telling pos "oh, he might be my one" or "he's a candidate for my one" and he told me to just pick someone and be done with it, so i decided that wayne coyne is my one. i love wayne - he's a super rads gravel-voiced midwestern weirdo who wrote the most beautiful album ever recorded and makes trippy kitschy robot art. and i think that he's super hott. rumor has it that he will be on leno (ew) tonight to report on his sxsw experience, and pitchfork reports that yoshimi will be a broadway musical. very excited.

jmk sent me this from the new yorker, and it's super funny. i have a solid 8 months' worth of new yorkers gathering dust in my front room that i swear i will get to. they come every week, for crissakes.

jl sent me this extended music video/short film called "sweep the leg" that is amusing. the song is kinda retarded, but its complete love and reverence for the karate kid is quite amazing. cobra kai rules!

rm sent me this article that attempts to unravel the mystery of the guy who reportedly claimed that a unicorn crashed his truck. apparently there was a misunderstanding, but i don't believe this shoddy explanation. a unicorn did crash his truck. they're just covering their tracks because they know that no one can handle the truth. their unicorn hoof tracks.

inbreeding makes white tigers literally retarded: click here. i don't know, i think he's kinda cute. i still love that roy claims that montecore (who, incidentally, has his own wiki page) was trying to help him off stage after he had suffered an aneurysm, and not that his aneurysm was caused by a white tiger fucking mauling him. and i love the name montecore.

by the way, i just found this on the siegfried & roy wiki page and it's just too weird not to share:

They met in 1959 when they both found work on a German ocean liner. Siegfried was a burlesque dancer and Roy a janitor. Siegfried began performing magic for some of the passengers, eventually being thrown off the boat for exposing his genitalia, with Roy as his assistant. Unknown to the crew, Roy had smuggled a Puerto Rican stable boy named Chico aboard the vessel. Roy had come to know Chico from his frequent visits to the Bremen zoo.

here's a whole lotta crazy. i love that the reporter is like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" when she eats the boric acid and smooths it through her hair. i would totally party with her - she's like aileen wuornos' long-lost sister.

i used to really love rem - like, LOVE them. i thought michael stipe was the sexiest mofo evah (this has since changed). the cult of stipe is a large one . . . but don't forget about nerdy little mike mills. this woman has his portrait tattooed on her chest. pure klass. click here for more band tattoos - some interesting, most bad, a few horrific.

we get to wear jeans to work tomorrow. for no special reason. i know that i have been beaten into submission because when i got the email today i was like "awesome!" you know what would be awesome? not thinking that this is awesome.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

back in the mw

well, friends, all i have to say is that you should come with me to sxsw next year. get a plane ticket and a hotel room, budget for some tex mex and beer, and you're set. you don't need to buy a wristband ($175 for four days), although it would be helpful to get into the big-name shows, but we didn't and got to see plenty of quality bands (ten bucks here, three dollars there, and many for free). best yet, some places just hand out free beer and food (all you have to do is rsvp for some parties online, or hit a place that doesn't have a liquor license, like the kool outsider art gallery yard dog, where i drank way too many free cans of pbr) - it's one long hangout weekend where everyone is friendly and happy and there are too many bands to choose from.

highlights: bob mould (pos is a fan), beth ditto from the gossip yanking off her wig and dress and dancing around in her (quite large) panties and bra, a surprise show by the polyphonic spree (i was there to see margot and the nuclear so and so's, but they got moved to a bar next door), a russian folk band called zee grass playing a bbq joint while we ate dinner, west indian girl playing in a tent in the parking lot of an irish pub . . . all really good. there were bands that i wasn't all that into (the austin electronic band the octopus project was annoying, les claypool's band lost my attention after their first song, which was about going to burning man, i had to watch the ponys yet again and still don't like them). and of course i saw bands that i never quite caught the name of and thought were just fine.

we ended up staying at a cheap (and gross, go figure) motel about five miles north of downtown. pos and i got back to the room around 2 am on thursday and passed daniel johnston chainsmoking outside of his room and then backtracked to get our photo taken with him. we watched the devil and daniel johnston not too long ago and, while i try not to be a star-struck imbecile (js pointed out the starfucker perez hilton buzzing about beauty bar on saturday night when we couldn't get in to see the pipettes - a downside for not coughing up the cash for the wristband i previously said that you don't need - and i hope that no one acknowledged him because i think he's grating), daniel johnston warranted a photo op. he called me marjorie and said "lookin good!" and his handler/guitarist told me to kiss him for the photo, which made him very shy (in case you are unfamiliar, daniel is seriously unbalanced). the photo is funny because pos is standing to the side, smiling, but clearly not wanting to get too close, and daniel is looking down and away, bashfully, as i kiss his cheek. he reeked of nicotine and was very nice but not quite all there - his band spoke for him, for the most part, and i don't think that he understood that i wasn't marjorie, even though i told him my name when i shook his hand. sad. weird. awkward. rad.

austin itself is a really nice town and we got to drive out to the oasis on gorgeous lake travis with tb and js, since they were smart and rented a car. oh, and the best-ever airport food is at the salt lick in the austin airport.

the above photo is a sticker on the outside of the women's room at emo's. pos and i shared a good laugh over that one.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

i have 85 channels and all i ever watch is 'law and order' marathons

everyone knows that this is ridiculous and A LIE because unicorns only do magic and good deeds. thanks to sp and kk for knowing that i would be infuriated by this breaking news story.

jms sent the accompanying photo telling me that i clearly got the herps from the vag cake and i didn't need to hang flyers all around town.

sp sent me this and it's hy-ster-ical. those emo kids better watch out - mcgruff is totally on to them and their arm-cutting, lyrics-writing, black-shirt-wearing emotional lifestyle choice. my mom totally talks like these people, btw. they're all so INSIGHTFUL - like how when you have a stylish haircut that hangs in your eyes it's so you only have to see half of the pain of the world. the emo points system rules, and i can't believe that no one who was associated with the production of this news story could sense the underlying jokes in any of this. sigh.

but maybe all of those kids are a little too death-obsessed: this is creepy.

saw tv on the radio last night - it was great. we saw them in october and it was a good show, but i liked this one a bit more because i'm more familiar with the album, which was a critical favorite for 2006. it didn't win the village voice pazz and jop poll - bob zzzzz dylan did - and the artwork they published with the poll didn't go over very well. i told pos last night that kyp malone, the guitarist for tvotr, might be "my one" - as in, who i would be able to have sex with and not have it be held against me for cheating. pos chose eva green (he has great taste) and i never got around to naming one, as i told him that he was my one, but also because, like, who can choose? so i was like "kyp is soooo cute - he might be my one" and pos said "you think he's cute? how can you even tell?" hahahaha. i like the beard/afro/horn-rimmed-glasses combo.

now that i am dating a southsider, and i have spent time in this much-misunderstood enclave, i found that this website (a totally extended advertisement for the white sox) to be helpful for my fellow northsiders. did you know that southsiders use the same kind of money, have food, and your cell will work should you venture to the other side of the loop? for reals. don't be scaird.

i'm off to austin for sxsw. a bunch of us chicago folks are headed down for music, beer, bbq, and warm weather. i will not, unfortunately, and despite what jmk thought, be flying on this airline.

Monday, March 12, 2007

the most universal post secret card ever published below.

been ohso busy.

they caught
the crazy bitch who set four fires in my neighborhood early saturday (all a block away from my apartment at the most), which killed four people with one guy still in critical condition because he threw himself out of a third-story window. a window i walk past every day and admire, as the building is old and has awesome fleur-de-lis accents. so horrible and sad. pos saw her outside the caribou coffee at my corner about a half-hour she set all of the fires, carrying a stack of newspapers and babbling incoherently at him. he didn't know, duh, and didn't figure it out until later, when he read the description. he had told me about the crazy lady with the plastic bags tied around her feet. fucking scary! not to be melodramatic, but my front gate is broken and she easily could have come into my building and lit the place. i finally bought a smoke and carbon monoxide detector today - my landlord doesn't really "care" about "laws."

i never got my 1099 tax form from my bank so i could report the interest my savings account earned. i really need to do my taxes soon - i always wait til the last minute. i called and talked to one of the bank's "tax consultants" and he very patiently explained that since my account only earned 59 cents last year, they didn't mail me a 1099. hahahaha.

i now have a nano. the 60-gig (number seven in 28 months - they broke like clockwork) was fucked, and so was i, as my extended warranty was expired. fuck you, apple. and the strange addiction i have to your shitty but oh-so-pretty products. i was really sad to load my nano with a mere 1,000 songs, which is all the 4-gig can hold, but if i do some introspective soul searching i know that i don't need to carry 12,000 songs around with me. i am becoming wise in my 30s now that i am not in my 20s. oh, and i totally found a white hair the other morning, very long and so jauntily curled into my other hair, and i became deeply concerned.

ruh-roh. the god squad conspiracy theorists are gonna have a field day with this one. and so will those really vocal atheists (who i find annoying, just as much as the jesus freaks), i suppose, but in a different kind of way.

i've been grossed out and scared of this guy since his vh1 behind the music where he described being so overweight that every time he jerked off he felt like he was going to have a heart attack, and he'd have to choose between the two (he always chose jerking off). he's supa fuckin gross, and sounds like a psycho. oh, and his band is embarrassing.
i keep seeing this dude on tv - he's a bed person, and everyone is fascinated by bed people. he left his house! and they used a forklift to get him onto a truck so they could drive him around! hott!

marc jacobs is in rehab. maybe he'll realize that only someone on drugs would buy all of his clothes and accessories at full price (need i remind you that winona ryder was stealing marc jacobs accessories when she got pinched a few years ago? and i would venture a guess that she makes more than i do). i have three marc by marc jacobs handbags (his "cheaper" line) and i seriously had to stare at the first one i bought for like 45 minutes before i decided that i did indeed have to buy it. the other two, which i found at nordstrom rack at like 70 percent off but still way too much, warranted a call to pe, who shares a similar handbag obsession, and she told me that i would be crazy not to buy them, so i did. that was "old kristine." "new kristine" doesn't do that kind of thing anymore. sometimes i miss old kristine.

everyone wants to pull out of ann cuntler. it's just the right thing to do.

they're on to me! according to this quiz, You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop." umm, NO, I DON'T. i thought i DROPPED my accent. SHIT.

must. book. another. trip. to. new. york. as. soon. as. possible. unicorns! jms sent this to me to tempt me back.

Friday, March 02, 2007

ecf sent this to me.

click to make it bigger, yo.