Tuesday, April 03, 2007

fidgety and itchy: i feel hott.


yes, i quit.

the last cigarette i had was at 10:30 pm on sunday. then i threw my last one away (i didn't even smoke the entire last pack), threw my lighters out, and went to bed.

yesterday was hard. i was okay until my smoking cessation class at 3:30 (only two of us actually quit yesterday - everyone else had excuses but plan to this week), and just talking about it made me anxious. also, i forgot to bring my chantix to work with me, so i felt under-medicated. it was all about dividing up my day and just dealing with it. i was worried about my breaks but just didn't take them. i was worried about when i left to go home at night but just walked to the bus and got on instead. i was worried about when i got home, but i immediately just started cooking dinner and ate a popsicle. i was worried about after i ate, but i slammed a glass of water and brushed my teeth.
pos and i went and saw a band, but it was a non-smoking venue, so that helped. when we got home i sat in my wing-backed chair next to the window - my smoking chair - and played with the "puffer" that the non-smoking lady gave us (it's called a nicotine inhaler - you load this little plastic pipe thing with a nicotine cartridge and treat it like it's a cigarette, and it just has the nicotine, no other bad smoke and cig poisons). i didn't take any of the nicotine cartridges, i just thought that having the puffer around would help. after i got ready for bed, i laid down and started crying. i was like i'm scared that i can't do this and i can't handle this if every day of the rest of my life is going to be like this, so anxious and worrisome. pos is, as i have mentioned, a magical mystical unicorn boyfriend, and he calmed me down and told me just to take one day at a time and that it will get easier - things that i logically know but don't feel like believing.

the chantix is great - i can't say that i am going through physical withdrawls at all, just mental flip-out ones, and the dreams are still cool - very busy and vivid and involved. i bought a really beautiful house for $261,000 on sunday night, and knew that pos would like it because the shrubs were trimmed to say "chicago white sox" (KLASSY). not sure what i dreamed last night. probably about smoking.

oh - but i think i might be allergic to chantix. like, mildly. because i am fucking ITCHY. i don't have a rash or anything, but i am scratching up a storm. it is possible, i believe, that it is psychosomatic, and it is possible that nicotine and the thousands of chemicals that i have been putting into my body every day for the past 12 years are being pushed out and my body is like "this shit is gross."

more later, stuff that's not self-obsessive or about how i broke up with camel lights.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Breathe - you'll be ok.