Tuesday, May 29, 2007

eb and sf's first dance: "the luckiest" by ben folds. so sweet!!!

eb and sf got married on sunday! it was a gorgeous event, and a really wonderful weekend. i gave the toast at their reception - i had a year to think about it and i think i came up with something nice, real nice. i got my hairs did with eb and em and eb's sister and mom - thirty bobby pins and half a bottle of hairspray. i haven't ever had my hair done for an occasion before, other than a quick blowout, and i was amazed that the stylist ratted my hair a foot off my head to give it volume and then was able to go back and smooth it all down, curling it into a classy lady updo.

i got my hair and nails done, i wore a gorgous halter dress i love that i found at a lord and taylor's insane store-closing sale for $35, i wore heels (another rarity - i'm already taller than everyone else), and, to be honest, i went fake-tanning. like three times. i know that's lame, but whatever, i'm really fair with an undertone of purple (not pink, i swear - purple). i look like shit when i haven't seen the sun in months. and i didn't turn all orange and trashy-looking, i just had a nice semblance to a normal color of skin. which leads me to this video, which expertly numbers every disgusting thing morally reprehensible about it and pretty much sums up everything that is wrong with los angeles and stupid bitch mothers who raise daughters who grow up to be skanks.

i usually only like posting about mentally retarded white tigers (hi kenny!) but this article has awesome photos.

i put a bunch of new blog links over yonder in the margin - check em out.

i saw stranger than fiction and i love love loved it. i haven't watched a movie this original and interesting and well-written and heartbreaking and funny in a long time. put it on your queue if you haven't seen it yet.

if you look at this website you can see that chicago may be a brutal place in the winter, but is gorgeous in the summer. also, you can call 312-74BEACH (312-742-3224) each and every day, and you can listen to a recording of my brother tb as he tells you whether you can swim in the lake or if it's too e.coli'd. he does this for work, not for fun.

in my ongoing quest to become domesticated, i planted a bunch of flowers at pos' house last night. we were at the grocery store this weekend and i saw a clearance cart full of these "flower seed mats" that had been packaged as mother's day gifts and were now marked down to 75 cents for a box of four of them. each package had a mat of zinnias, marigolds, virginia something or others, and another that i'm blanking on - russian ballerina or something lame like that. we bought dirt and pots and i even got a pair of gardening gloves, and i planted while pos mowed the lawn. i had planted some irish wildflower mixed seeds in pots that are on his front steps and they are growing, though they're just green leaves right now. i also planted some ranunculous bulbs in pots and left them on his porch, and i was concerned that i had fucked them up and planted them upside down, but i dug one up last night and it is growing, so i left the rest of them alone. i can't wait until they all bloom! even if only half of them live, i will be proud of my efforts. i have never been one to garden, cook, clean, or craft, unless you include profane cross-stitch samplers and paint-by-numbers.

newest clothing trend i fucking hate: wearing a tank top or camisole over a t-shirt. fucking gross looking! i want to march right up to every girl on the street i see wearing this atrocity and tell her that she looks like a goddamn moron. pos and i were at a show and this girl in front of us was wearing a cotton short-sleeved shirt with a silk strappy camisole over it and not only did i complain to him about how much i hated how that looked (like, twice), he caught me staring at her back like an hour later and was like "you REALLY don't like that, do you?" and laughed at me. i don't know why this raises so much ire in me, but i REALLY FUCKING HATE HOW THAT LOOKS. i wear tanks and camisoles UNDER other shirts all the time, so it's really about how you layer that seems to matter (a little too much) to me.

going to cincinnatti for te's and lk's wedding this weekend - AND cd and his awesome bf are in town for the weekend, so i get to see them before i leave and they are staying at my place. haven't been home in a few days . . . gonna have to swiffer the shit out of it as soon as i can.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

video clipz: i like to watch

new white stripes video. best part: meg's milky dead eye. second best part: the line "you can't be a pimp and a prostitute, too." they released tour date info and they're playing the aragon in september. count me in.

the day i first saw this online, i must have watched it like eleventy hundred times. db sent me this version, edited properly at the end so that you don’t have to keep replaying it yourself.

jmk sent this to me with the email subject line “don’t you dare laugh.” you’re an asshole, jmk. and so am i. tears.

i hate birds, but not fake birds, and i love tv on the radio, but maybe not this song all that much - this video is like a live-action diorama. you can also download the entire new adult swim mp3 compilation off that page.

not a video, just a photo. go ahead, humiliate your kid.

i know that ballet lessons and sewing machines are expensive, but it's not a huge secret that i'm a total hag and would really really like to have a gay son. good thing i can get a policy to help cover all of those needed expenses.

three classic moments from qvc, sent to me from jmk. you can buy this shitty ladder, amputate your arm with this shitty sword, or just call into qvc and prank them.

regardless of whether you choose to just watch the news report or listen to the entire call, you seriously need to check out the 911 call from a wayyyyy-too-stoned cop.

anyway . . .

you wanna know how much of a moron my first temp was? today i noticed that she (incorrectly) entered info onto a spreadsheet for me and listed a woman i know whose name is jeanie as “genie.” bitch is gonna need a magic lamp and genie to find a job that will hire her drooling incompetent ass.

a forward from jmk - children's books that just didn't sell. like most forwards, some are dumb and some are great.

1. You Were an Accident

2. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

3. Some Kittens Can Fly!

4. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

5. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

6. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals ofNorth Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

7. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking

8. You Are Different and That's Bad

9. Dad's New Wife Timothy

10. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games

11. Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets

12. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist

14. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence

15. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

16. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

17. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

18. How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School

19. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

20. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

21. Bi-Curious George

22. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

23. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

24. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

25. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

26. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

27. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

28. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

29. Your Nightmares Are Real

30. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

31. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

current reading: nick hornby's "a long way down." current listening: the new feist. current obsession: bad food court chinese and sushi.

i saw an older lame dude in a plaid button-down driving his silver mercedes convertible on lake shore drive this week. the license plate said "no hope." you know what would be even funnier than a rich guy driving around with an oh-so-tongue-in-cheek vanity plate? if he drove it straight into a shelter for homeless children with cancer. THAT shit would be HYSTERICAL. i thought that only yacht owners were such obvious pricks about "poking fun" at how much goddamn money they have. i guess i was wrong - at least those smug bastards just hang out at the harbor with their other asshole boat-owner friends.

ea and cl sent me this awesome collection of crazy crochet art. my favorite is, naturally, the evil unicorn, but the "handycap" series and "eat art" are creepy/rad.

good thing it really doesn't matter what you say to the press when promoting your film. love conquers all, including deeply-held convictions, apparently. thanks to jmk for forwarding this story, which i would call ironic if i thought that he was anything more than a hyperbolic insincere sleep-inducing hack.

bush and his staff are just a bunch of fucking bitches. leave jimmy carter alone! he rules.

jms is my hero because he has carved out a lucrative and rad career for himself by selling used books and cds on amazon, and has inspired me to sell off all of the extra crap that i don't need and/or even like. when i was home last month i grabbed a large plastic storage bin from my parents' basement, full of my old college texts and novels, with the express purpose of selling them. i went through the box last night, typing each book's ISBN number into amazon to see how much the going rate is, and was pretty disappointed to see that only four or five of the entire box were worth more than $3 (some were worth 40 cents or even just one measly penny). tucked inside some of the books, however, was pure magic. like the note i had left my roommate and her boyfriend, asking them to tape 120 minutes for me, and the pay stub from spring break 1996 that i spent working at target - $157.65 for a week's work after taxes. i made a whopping $5.42 an hour. god, that fucking sucks!!! i'm sure at the time i was thrilled for the extra cash and bought a carton of smokes and yet another black nin t-shirt. flipping through all of these old books, i was amazed to think back to the time when i spent hours reading about hinduism and women artists from antiquity and other stuff that seems totally removed from the life that i now lead, and how it's sad that i not only forgot 99 percent of everything i learned but that now i spend hours reading retardo celebrity gossip blogs and downloading mp3s when i'm not doing mind-numbing unexciting careerlady shit. sigh - getting old and dumb. so comfortable, and pretty disappointing.

and, finally: this is awesome - it's 8 mins long, but totally fascinating. buffalo vs lions vs crocodiles. guess who wins?

Monday, May 21, 2007

i just called to say i love you (and you owe me $47.98)

pos and i are getting serious. we just proved our love and devotion to one another this weekend - we are now under a family plan together at verizon (and i got a sweet new phone). this is a huge step, i think, one in which we need to learn how to SHARE (our minutes) and to COMMUNICATE ("you owe me an extra two dollars for all of those drunken text messages you sent"). there was one feature that we could have added, called "chaperone," where a GPS system on one phone tracks where the other cell is going and at what speed. it's meant for parents who need to spy on their kids and their speed-demon friends, but it sounds like the perfect tool for possessive insane boyfriends to stalk and harrass their ladyfriends. i have no qualms about sharing my life and my cell phone plan with pos, and while we refer to this classic onion article often, i think we'll be fine. if not, we'll probably still be contractually obligated under verizon to date for another year and a half.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

blind and dumb, but not deaf yet.

i went to the eye doctor today. i always promise myself that i will find a new eye doctor but then i run out of contacts and resort to calling and making another appointment. although the office is around the corner from my job, they annoy the shit out of me: they act like you're at an eyeglasses mall, not a doctor's office, with salespeople buzzing around trying to sell ridiculously overpriced frames (the kinds of which would only appeal to mid-50s women who think purple and red look "daring and bold" together and would rather look interesting/intellectual than like a mom) and they make me see both an optometrist AND an opthalmalogist, when i swear i could probably find someone that does both and thus don't have to pay two people.

my eyes are very pretty - a nice greenish blue, with gold flecks around the pupils - and like most pretty things, they don't work as well as they should. i get blinder and blinder every year, and there are all sorts of vision problems in my family, and it's a good thing that i love german shepherds so much, because i will most likely be employing one in 20 years.

i am posting about the eye doctor for two reasons:

1) it reminds me of what i happened to witness at the corner of connecticut (a very busy main thoroughfare through dc) and calvert (right where i used to live!) when i was visiting last month. it was in the middle of the morning and i was on my way to the metro to go out to takoma park and see my bitches nr and sc for lunch, and i was waiting at the corner for the light to change and the "walk" signal to appear. a blind guy who was dressed in a suit and smiled the whole time was crossing the street towards me, led by an also-smiling german shepherd seeing-eye dog. the only problem was that the light hadn't changed - the dog had managed to find the crosswalk, as his training probably taught him, but must have fucking forgot about the lights situation, as they were walking directly into oncoming traffic. i even gasped and put my hand up to my mouth like i was victorian, but they just trudged along, and cars stopped to let them pass. no one even honked. it was weird - i didn't want to be like "excuse me? i know you're blind, but your dog is a moron, and you almost got killed like five times a minute ago," but maybe someone should tell the guy that his dog needs more schooling.

2) my optometrist's name is dr lagina. it's pronounced "luh-jean-a" but i want to call her dr vagina the entire time i am sitting in her chair. this reminds me of a text that db sent me not too long ago - she is a telefundraiser and calls lists of people to see if they will donate to certain causes and campaigns, and she said "funny and unfortunate telefund donor name of the day: dick scar."

i am now bloodthirsty for every shitty employee out there (except for myself, and people who read this).

i'm totally over the temp thing. fuck her - she sucked. i went into her old office yesterday to clean it up, and she had a huge stack of newspapers under the desk, saved like a crazy hoarder would, and about four trees were killed for the amount of printouts of her shitty work she printed out and scattered about, totally unorganized (which is amazing, as she had been here for a week), with retarded notes to herself in the margins like "buy incadescent green eyeliner" (i am not making that up).

i threw her personal belongings into a box (the giant weight watchers bottle with lipstick stains all over the straw, the 1973 pocket english handbook with an owl on the cover, and the resume critique and analysis that she must have fed into an online service - which told her that her resume was not very good - that she clearly did while pretending to do work for me. it was, of course, highlighted all over) and gave them to HR.

rm sent me an ecard from the snarks at someecard ("when you care enough to hit send") with the message "That theology major will find something to praise the Lord for. You've just sped up her journey" so now i am totally at peace with the fact that 1) she sucked 2) she was wasting my time and my company's money and 3) as pos said, i was doing her a FAVOR to let her know that her work was unacceptable and that she needed to improve. i no longer feel heartless - i feel like president bush (a decider).

oh, and my new temp started yesterday, and while she is quiet and nervous and maybe even a little dour, she is actually quite competent and i have marveled at how much her spreadsheets kick ass.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

the post in which i demonstrate that i am not quite ready to be middle-management, as i still have a heart

i really miss the woman who used to work for me. we were a division of two people, and i was technically her boss, but when i first started at my job we worked for the same person and it therefore made everyone a lot more comfortable, when we had a big reorganization and she started reporting directly to me, to keep it casual and team-based. she was really smart and efficient and organized and had a calm, sweet demeanor, but could also be very funny. she got a really great new job and left last month. my boss and i rewrote the job description, making the new position incorporate a lot of the dumb shit that i am sick of doing to free up my time, and started interviewing. i was even pretty sure of who i wanted to hire when there was a hiring freeze, just another annoying game that companies play that really benefit no one.

so i was offered a temp for the rest of the fiscal year, which would be may 31. i don't want a temp, i want someone who can take over and build relationships and take some ownership of projects, but i know better than to turn down help, so my temp started last monday.

she was nice enough. friendly. had been studying theology but didn't want to be a pastor so now she was temping, and i was under the impression that she had never temped anywhere else before. i gave her some very basic things to do - make some calls and update a spreadsheet, write a draft of a letter with information i gave her, address the letters and save them in the correct folders. and every day she would come back with the work i had asked her to do, and it was a mess. she seemed to be in love with inventing complex color-coded information keys using multiple highlighters which was, incidentally, completely unnecessary. the spreadsheet had the wrong dates and numbers all over it, and this wasn't even the kind of spreadsheet with formulas and shit, just a glorified chart. i asked her to redo it. twice. the third version is sitting on my desk, still fucked up, which i will tomorrow spend at least two hours redoing. the letters were poorly written and i would edit them for her, and when she would bring back round two most of the mistakes were still there, or new ones emerged. i realized that she was the kind of person who could infer nothing. i had to spell out every detail. basically, all of the time i've spent asking her to correct her work and me double-checking everything is equal to the amount of time it would have taken me to do them myself. even the calls she made seemed to be fucked up - i don't know how she managed that one, but i got a few confused emails from people who had no idea what she was talking about.

so i had her fired. i mentioned to my boss that i was unhappy with the quality of her work and she was like "tell HR and they'll get you a new one. it's not a big deal." maybe it's not a big deal, but i feel really really bad. sorta. i don't know how it works, but apparently the agency is sending a new person in tomorrow morning and my temp, my poor dumb temp, will be called and told her new assignment (if she gets one). i felt so guilty about this that i hid in mc's office, bothering him, for the last 20 minutes of the day, so that i wouldn't have to look her in the face and say either 1) see you tomorrow! or 2) your services wont be needed here anymore (or whatever it is people say when they fire you). when i walked past the office she is set up in after i knew she had left, i saw that she had left her sad weight watchers water bottle and pocket english dictionary, fully expecting to be back tomorrow to obliviously type and highlight all day.

part of me says fuck her, business is business, and part of me feels really guilty.

i am sooo not meant to be a cut-throat corporate badass bosslady.

Friday, May 11, 2007

longest week ever, please come to an end.

i saw the nerdiest thing ever this morning: a segway leaning against the r2d2 post office box at the corner of michigan and ontario.

which reminds me of the nerdiest joke i've heard in a while, relayed to me by pos, but he got it from te (i hope te did not make this up) – last friday he said “happy star wars day” and i was like “what?” and he said “may the 4th.” god, that’s bad. speaking of nerds, george lucas kinda mocked the spiderman series, and best week ever takes him to task for it. i haven't seen any of the spiderman movies and no i don't feel left out. one more star wars nerd item: i went to the post office a few weeks ago and i asked for two books of the new star wars stamps, and the middle-aged clerk just looked at me over the frames of her bifocals and said, kinda disapprovingly, "those aren't available for a while." and then i was just like "ummm, one book of anything, then, please. flags. i don't care." i got called out by a postal clerk. bitch.

anyway . . .

your ipod can kill you. err, well, kill your grandparents. all i know is that i firmly believe that i emit a small electrical charge that kills my ipods. there is no other logical explanation for why i went through seven ipods in two and a half years - five 40 gigs and two 60 gigs. every three months, like clockwork, they died. i have had my nano for about three months now and no complaints. i'm sure that now that i have mentioned it, my nano will decide that it doesn't really like what it does for a living and move on. rm told me about this service, where you can trade in your busted ipod for cash. all i got was a shitty 10 percent off of my next purchase (afore-mentioned nano) and an unshakeable sense of dread.

mj wrote a fantastic post about "collectors" and i started clicking around and came upon this website of corpsey-looking dolls, which is truly fucking creepy. click here for the baby i am terrified that i will end up with.

i could seriously watch eight hours of law & order and feel bad that i had to turn off the tv and go to bed. and i love david cross. and i love when snarky people edit movies, shows and videos down into a short, to-the-point video. behold: the best l&o episode ("ripped from the headlines!!!") that i can't wait to catch in re-runs on a&e (OR on nbc, OR on tnt – god i love that it is ALWAYS on). kristy swanson actually kinda does look like a bloated stoned anna nicole. except her babydaddy is a then-married figure skater, as opposed to a gay-seeming paparazzo (and/or insane morphine-providing lawyer leech, and/or zsa zsa's nutzedout elderly fake prince husband).

play this the next time you're bored at work: both relaxing and infuriating. just like my Absolute Number One Yes Awesome Love It Distraction, tetris.

pos and i are taking our mummys to the sunday tea at the drake hotel for mother's day. they get to meet for the first time and i hope they end up talking about which of their respective kids is secretly their favorite and braid eachother's hair and shit like that. neither of them are like these mothers, so everything ought to work out just great.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

i hope he reponds when he returns last november

i tried emailing a guy at my office who apparently is out of town and has apparently lost his goddamn mind.

here is his out-of-office automatic response:


I will be out of the office Thursday 054/10/07 until Tuesdayy 5/153/07. I will not be checking e-mails. Please contact Production Manager Jane [last name spelled incorrectly] at: [her email address] with regard to any questions or problems durning this time. Jane can also be reached at [her number].

I will repond to you e-mail when I return on 11/28/06

If your e-mail involves an ad please contact Jane [last name spelled correctly] at [her email address].

All other e-mails I will return when I return.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

the dc post

so i haven't smoked in over a month. i got some rad presents for this - eb and bq got me a good vs. evil unicorn playset, and pos got me a "you did it!" beanie baby (he was like "i knew you would think it was retarded. that's why i bought it") and flowers and a sweet card and a handheld nerd sudoku game. you should totally smoke for 12 years and then quit so that you, too, can get presents.

my trip to dc was rad. i got to do some hill stuff (including a visit to obama's office - he wasn't there, but we talked to his staff) and went to meetings, including a dinner at the watergate, but really i was happy to be there to see a buncha friends and go to my favorite places. dc's smoking ban went into effect on jan 1, so even going to my very-all-time-favorite place for drinks, pharmacy bar, was just as good as always and i didn't feel left out by not smoking. it still smells like stale nicotine stains - i'm sure that my four years of sitting there chainsmoking contributes to this historical scent. also, i got to see hot fuzz with mob (great); went to the portrait gallery, which was closed the entire time i lived there and is awesome; saw peter bjorn and john at the 9:30 club, which is pretty much the best place in america to see a band; and bought a cute and kitschy cookie jar shaped like a dog wearing a hat at miss pixies, where i have found the most amazing deals over the years. the doggy cookie jar was $15. when i showed it to pos he was like "this was for dog treats. it reeks. please don't put cookies in there."

i love dc. i miss dc. i want to live there. i want to pick up all of the good things i have in chicago and transfer them to dc. this will not happen, but a girl can dream. retirement is only like 35 years from now - maybe that's where i will spend my silver foxx years.

i did something after work that i haven't done in a long time - i went to the virgin megastore and actually bought cds. for real, the last cd i purchased new was the white stripes' get behind me satan; i've been perfectly content with itunes, the hype machine, all of the music blogs i troll for new tracks, and getting burns from friends for the past two years. i got the new tori amos and the new feist. i haven't bothered with tori for a while - just the cover of her album the beekeeper made me dismiss it as totally middle-aged zzzz and i never bothered to get it. the nyt said "A message to lapsed Tori Amos fans: come back. You won’t be bored" and i read this article, which is basically a steel cage match between tori and feist, and got both of them. i love feist, and the video for "1-2-3-4" (shot in one continuous take) is radness.

there are two things i will pretty much always post: collections of bad tattoos and collections of bad album covers. here's a new one of the records with a few i hadn't seen before. i will also post any mention of kenny, the mentally retarded white tiger.

in case you were wondering how long phil spector has been insane: a very long time.

female bloggers get cyberstalked, threatened and totally creeped out: read here. thankfully, the only obsessive i have attracted with this blog is sp, who was my number-one fan even before i started blogging. i got to see sp in dc and i had forgotten that she pretty much has the nicest skin of anyone i have ever met, and she told me, after i commented on this, that a woman once stopped her on the street to tell her that. and then sp cocked her head at me and said "you have nice skin, too. can i wear it?" (just kidding. she does have amazing skin, though).

a sports story that i actually read all of the way through, and you should read it, too - it's surprising and thoughtful and funny. very interesting.

karma! irony! i do feel bad for her, even though she's a big liar. read here.

and, before i go, since this is the dc post, you HAVE to read this story about the biggest asshole in all of the district of columbia (minus all members of the current administration).