Friday, June 29, 2007

don't just hit "send"


i just sent an email to some students about a shipment of anatomy books that I ordered for them as a present from my organization (yay, so exciting) and one of them sent me the following reply:

hey brother, you looked hot in that spandex maroon tshirt....I guess that is to match your new maroon 5 ring tone.

Could you send me that block 12 schedule, please?

i'm guessing that he sent it to the wrong person. maroon 5? please.

the accompanying photo has nothing to do with this post - i just wanted to use it.

movies and stuff

i got an email from netflix yesterday that told me that my two-dvds-at-a-time membership fee was dropped to $13.99 a month, from $15.99, which is much-appreciated and surprising, and they also told me about the new "instant viewing" feature, where i can now watch up to 14 hours of tv shows and movies a month for free on my laptop using some download program that jmk told me isn't compatible with macs (tears for him). this couldn't have come at a better time - i think comcast realized that they left the cable on in my apartment when the last tenant moved out, so my year of free cable has come to an end. it's weird, though, because i still get the tv guide channel and some very-cable-seeming public access and shopping networks. i can't just call and be like "something is weird with my cable - only shit i would never watch and network tv is showing up. my account number? hahaha - oh, i don't have one of those. i just plugged in my tv when i moved in and i had cable. so can you come and fix it?"

just saw via netflix: meatballs (an old childhood favorite - i have always adored bill murray and hadn't seen this in probably 20 years . . . and it sucked, and wasn't funny, and i was freaked out by the scene when bill attacks his fellow camp counselor roxanne, who he wants to fuck, and he makes it quite clear as they "playfully?!?!!?!?" wrestle around. wow. not funny at all.) and the good shepherd, which put me right to sleep at 9:00 on a wednesday night. that is not a very strong endorsement.

just in case you've been dying to know, this is my favorite new yorker cartoon. i am currently on a new yorker binge, as i have about 30 unread copies in a neat pile in my front room, and it is time to tackle them. between subscribing to the new yorker and the week, as well as my complete devotion to getting most news - important and trite - off of the internet, i don't have much time for novels or books, despite having a stack of about 30 of those that i want to read, too.


WOW. while i quite enjoyed watching this video for "mr roboto" using perfectly-edited clips from the office, i have to admit that i am concerned that someone who is not actually associated with the show and was thus doing this in their spare time has some sunlight-avoidance issues and is probably really lonely. "kilroy" at the end was a really nice touch, though.


more later. prolly.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

"well i ain't saying i'm innocent, in fact the reverse / but if you're heading to the grave, don't blame the hearse"


watch this youtube clip of elizabeth edwards nicely asks ann cuntler to stfu with the personal attacks, especially when it comes to mocking the edwards' dead son. i know that there are myriad reasons to be repulsed by the cuntler, but i REALLY hate her snobby testosteroney stuttering voice, so humorless and arrogant. she is soooo gross. nice cheezeass sunglasses and raking your manhands through your lifeless hair, you doucheguzzler. puke.

saw the really great movie once this weekend with pos, eb and sf. we dawdled at the theater, getting snacks and whatnot (i like the theater in evanston because it's close to eb and sf's place, parking is free, and they have a crazy snack bar with wide varieties of all sortsa junk - i got kettle corn, which i loooove), and when we walked into the theater as the previews were playing, it was so packed we had to sit in the front row (which i am not a fan of). hasn't this movie been out for like a month? it was at like 4:30 on a hot saturday. odd, but a good sign that this movie is getting more attention. i was really impressed with how simple and beautiful it was, and now i am a frames fan. i am a huge softy for irish singer-songwriter guys. you can get some of the film's songs off of the hype machine.

yay! the verve are reuniting. my number-one-of-all-time-best-ever-favorite song is "bittersweet symphony." i always buy richard ashcroft's solo albums, which inevitably only have four or five (err, maybe even two or three) good songs on them, but i am loyal. i never did get to see the verve play - i dragged my friend sw to go see richard play the 9:30 club in dc in 2001 despite the fact that she had no idea who he was, and she kept telling people that she was going to go see john ashcroft sing. which would have been awesome in an entirely different way. let the eagle soar, motherfucker!

songs i really like RIGHT NOW:

retro muff - hot IQs
mornings eleven - the magic numbers
killing the light - black rebel motorcycle club
if you want me - glen hansard & markéta irglová
the thanks i get - wilco
effect and cause - the white stripes

tis enough til later.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

magical mystery post

my new solution to never having time to do proper posts: do it quick and do it often. often-ish.

i already posted about alli (anyone try it yet? how's the oily discharge working out for you?) but this blogger's sense of utter outrage and indignation is really well-written and funny. best part: i somehow missed that the manufacturer seriously recommends that you wear dark pants and bring extra clothes to work because YOU WILL BE SHITTING YOUR PANTS. anything for an extra 10 pounds off with little effort, just your dignity.


bc sent me this classic maury clip, which i think i might have even posted before. daytime tv is real depressing, especially the who's-the-daddy dna test shows, and i only enjoy laughing at the pain of people who bring it upon themselves or are, proven fact, total cunts. so yeah, big laffs for this guy, not because he was just delivered an earth-shatteringly upsetting revelation (tears and all for that), but because he is perhaps one of the dumbest (or just most deluded) people to somehow still be alive.


another youtube clip that bc sent me, but pretty much the exact opposite of the one above: carl sagan narrating kool images of the pale blue dot in space (us).


here is a unicorn poetry page that tb randomly sent me. what's rad is that the first poem on that page is what was read aloud to me at my 28th birthday party, which was a unicorn surprise party that em and eb put together for me (i thought that we were gonna go get polish food. speaking of which, we never did and i still want to find an authentic and great polish place in chicago). the menu included unicorndogs (corndogs with a piece of baby corn toothpicked to its, errr, forehead), pegasus wings (bbq chicken wings), minotaur cock-n-balls (mini corndogs with two meatballs toothpicked to them) . . . totally genius. my friends are always totally amazing to me on my birthday. anyway, the poetry page is a part of this website, are you a unicorn?, which i think is a joke, but i'm not really all that certain that it is, nor do i want to be. and i really wish that lisa frank was a real person, and i wish that she was my best friend. that's all. aw, snap, wait - she is!!!


that's it for now.

drop yer pants (lawsuit)

the dude who was suing his drycleaners for $67 million (and then backed down to a much-more reasonable $54 million) because they lost his pants was found to not only be owed absolutely nothing, but could be made to pay the defendants' legal fees, as well as lose his job (because the man is a JUDGE).
thanks to everyone who forwarded me the breaking news updates. this was a pure joy to follow for a few months.

the case was heard by district of columbia superior court judge judith bartnoff, and my connection to her (i love six degrees shit) is that her husband is a very smart and cool guy who lobbied for my first non-profity job in dc. i want to know at what age you stop being embarrassed for how young and dumb you are/were, because the first time i met him, when i was probably 23, i was talking to him about what he does other than lobby and he said that he was the deputy director of clinton's presidential advisory commission on holocaust assets. in all of my sophistication, i said "wow. that sounds really . . . depressing." hahahahaha. i still cringe when i think of that. moron.

Monday, June 25, 2007

pos and i watched THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND last night . . . which has nothing to do with this post, other than the word SCOTLAND


the parents are in the uk this week. my mom sent this email, followed by tb's translation.
(subject line: Hi ro aLL)

wE ARE NOW in Edinburgh...not to good with this wobbly keyboard...sorry for errors. it's very old looking here, nothing refurbished as in london. also cold, hilly, and expensive. let me know if there is something specific you'd like. did get jenny's mustard. dad and i don't see anything for ourselves...so let us know if there's something you'd like.

tomorrow we go to st andrews...and get the car. took train here from london...very nice experience.

people in london don't have much of an accent but here in scotland we can barely understand them. dad wants to help them with their accent!

love to all,

mum

tb says . . .

"it's very old looking"
translation: "we hate it here"

"nothing refurbished as in london"
translation: "the streets smell like piss."

"dad and i don't see anything for ourselves"
translation: "there's a guy with a skull pinkie ring selling marijuana outside of our broken down 400 year old bed & breakfast."

"dad wants to help them with their accent"
translation: "the scottish begin speaking in made up gibberish when they see my American Flag Cape and W '04 t-shirt"

Monday, June 18, 2007

lotsa linx to tide you over while i'm gone. i know you're crying. it's okay. i'll be back, okay?

this has totally been my favorite news story of the year: the guy who is suing his dry cleaner over his missing pants (for $65 million) got his day in court. he proved that he's not only a crazy, but also a big fucking crybaby. i can't wait for the verdict - i have the feeling that someone's gonna be pretty disappointed, and quite possibly cry some more. small world alert: i found out that i know the presiding judge's husband - he was the lobbyist at my first job.

fundie splinter-sect weirdo mormons are inbreeding, and their kids are turning out retarded. do they not know about kenny? is he not an example of what not to do? err, i guess not - "The community of about 10,000 people, who shun outsiders . . . are taught to avoid newspapers, television and the Internet." also, they "wear conservative 19th-century clothing." so all that weird extended family shit on big love isn't exaggerated? they seriously have to wear little house on the prairie bonnets and aprons? hey, remember when crazed moms in the 80s dressed their kids like that? i blame holly hobbie and the insurgence of calico. speaking of which, calico needs to make a major comeback.

i've always been really annoyed with musicains who are all braggy about how they do soooo many drugs - it seems so insecure, like the dorky 16-year-old who always has weed to get other people high and thus have friends. i count ryan adams in that camp. he tells the nyt: "I snorted heroin a lot — with coke. I did speedballs every day for years. And took pills. And then drank. And I don't mean a little bit. I always outdid everybody." wow, good for you, ryan. you just proved it: yer awesome. read article here.

you know, i have gotten into (silent, mental) arguments with myself over how much is too much to spend on clothes and accessories (i have a very special weakness for handbags and have spent over $400 for a bag before, $400 which, i would like to point out, i didn't have), but i am not wealthy, and even if i was wealthy, like so insanely wealthy that it technically didn't matter, i promise that i will never think it's okay to charge (or pay) $40,000 for a goddamn handbag. if you have $40,000 for a handbag, you have $80,000 to immediately donate to something worthwhile, like scholarships or disease research or something not entirely vapid and self-serving. if you spend $40,000 on a handbag, i will be amazed if i don't see you in hell. read and weep for the state of selfishness and bad global citizenry here.

article about tattoo removal here. snap, someone beat me to my million-dollar invention idea: "On the horizon is a development that could change the very nature of tattooing: a type of ink encapsulated in beads and designed to break up after one treatment with a special laser." also, a nyt reporter is working on a serious, scholarly book about retardo tattoos. here is a slideshow of some such tats (tony danza?) with the reporter's commentary.

this is a cool read: premier lists 20 movies that are stuck in development, meaning that we'll probably never see them. some of the casting choices are totally bizarre (umm, why would tom cruise be cast as dave eggers in a heartbreaking work of staggering genius when he's a solid 20 years older than the role? although, tom as phil spector might be really awesome). and check out the cast of dino - Tom Hanks as Dean Martin, John Travolta as Frank Sinatra, Hugh Grant as Peter Lawford, Adam Sandler as Joey Bishop, and Jim Carrey as Jerry Lewis - and directed by martin scorsese. rads! but will probably never happen.

a movie about women and their vibrator habbits: ahhhh, i love brits! i wonder if my parents will go see it when they go on their uk vacay this week. what's awesome is that my mom went to a travel agency in our hometown to see if they could help her get better deals, and the agent had never been to england and thus couldn't really give decent advice. so lame. very waiting for guffman. i'm not saying that a travel agent needs to have intimate knowledge and experience of every country in the developed world, but at least the english-speaking ones, you know?

the ex-governor of new jersey keeps reinforcing that he really, really is a gay american - he just totally dissed his ex-wife's clothes. yeah, we get it already, you're gay - and a real asshole, too.

here's a new hobby for SUPER FUCKING NERDS. like, not even run-of-the-mill nerds are going to help google improve their photo labeling system as a competition with a stranger as your teammate. as someone who uses google's image search on a regular basis, i approve of the concept. but REALLY, how totally geeked out. i can't wait to try it - but you do it first and tell me all about it.

i'm not one to cry over puppies and kittys and children, but this is super freaking cute.

so many people (including me and the three people i watched it with and my work friends and the entire population of the internet) were so pissed about the sudden, abrupt blankness at the end of the last sopranos episode that hbo is now basically saying "umm, yeah, he's dead." i also like how a members only jacket can be so symbolic. oh, and i watched with eb, and her family totally goes to that diner, which really exists and is in the next town over from where she grew up, but her dad never got popped while eating onion rings and sitting in a booth. anyway, subtle mystery and allusion is too difficult for most television fans, and here is an online collection of mourners and bloggers.

in case you haven't witnessed this glorious rendition of "omazin grace" - click here. it has been a favorite forward for a few weeks now and everyone laughed really hard when we watched it at sf's 30th bday bbq. pos claimed that this man is not mentally retarded, which only served to confuse us more.

i'll be interested in seeing how this goes over: vera wang is going to have a line of less-expensive clothes at kohl's this fall. i would totally go to kohl's if they had decent clothes - they're a proud little wisconsin chain. i got my dad jeans for father's day - he was like "where can i get jeans that are kind of, oh, well, darker denim, but not like work pants, but have, you know, some white lines in them, but aren't the kind that look broken in? your sister's boyfriend has some like that, and so does yours, and your brother does, too. i just . . . i just want some cool jeans." totally touched that my pushing-60 father wants to unleash his inner kool kid, i went to nordstrom to look for some decent jeans for him, but everything was waaaaayyy too trendy and tight (and $200). i ended up getting him two pairs at the gap and he liked them but was nervous about how they were "maybe too tight in the, umm." i told him that they were fine and that wearing jeans that were not light-blue dockers with pleats purchased at kohl's for $19.99 would take some getting used to but will be worth the effort. i hope he wears them in london on his trip and i hope he goes to like topman (male version of topshop, which is uk version of forever 21) and comes home looking like eurotrash. that would be so awesome.

very understanding friend tc told me that she would have gone to see my non-sexual-but-i-really-do-think-she's-really-pretty-girlfriend mandy moore with me at park west last week but she had plans, which is really too bad, because the day of the show i got an email offering half-off tickets. poor mandy - park west isn't exactly large and thus difficult to sell out. tc sent me an email that said "because you're pos' unicorn and you didn't force him to take you to this, i thought this might help ease the pain of missing your girlfriend in concert" and gave me this link. it's her show at park west! i am going to go home tonight, turn down the lights, drink some wine, light some candles, and try not to touch myself while watching this. jokes. mostly.

and i can't tell if this is real or not, but tb sent this to me and this dude is a REALLY SHITTY PERSON.
going to baltimore for a conference this week. which also means free vacation in which i get to see friends and not really do any work.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

biggie was right. please observe graph.


nerd alert: you can find out what the #1 song in america was on the day you were born (or any other momentous occasion) by using this website. mine was "new kid in town" by the eagles, which is . . . well, like, totally literal. thanks to mj for the link.

jmk let me know that mcsweeney's is auctioning their collectible original art by spike jonze, chris ware (rad chicago cartoonist) and dave eggers. check out dave's bush-as-an-amputee painting (bidding already over $4000). ebay auction over in a few days.

i hate to be all down on it, but i've seen better recutting-pop-culture-content-to-make-fake- movie-trailers- that-recreate-their-context-entirely-and-often-to-humorous-effect, but this is just okay: the new rob zombie halloween using the american office. from jmk.

they published the lollapalooza schedule. looks good, folks.

man, i have nothing to say tonight.

it has been gorgeous out - 80s, sunny, not humid - and i have been going for a lot of walks at lunchtime (especially this park) and after work. i need to get some batteries for my camera because i keep seeing amazing architecture and flowers and graffiti and streetscapes that i wanna take pictures of. i love spring, when i actually pay attention to my environment and spend time outside and ride my bike and keep the windows open. after dinner pos and i walked down to hawthorne, the prettiest street in lakeview with amazing old houses on huge lots. i seriously want to stand outside of the tribune tower and take photos of every chunk from other structures that they built into the first seven feet or so of the building. they have pieces of everything from the white house to the great wall of china to the taj mahal. they even added a twisted piece of metal from the world trade center. i am a little embarrassed to admit that i walked past it several times a week for over a year before mob told me that he wanted to go see the famous bricks when he was visiting and i was like "ummm, i've never noticed this before." it's a gorgeous old gothic building and i love it. here is a really 1994-feeling website that has a page devoted to every rock and brick that is built into the tower.

durrrr. nothing else. oh, i will say that you ought to go look for some mp3s from the office, a chicago band. i've been listening to them in my office, and they make me happy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

breaking news

ecf just sent me this article, noting that if i didn't post it in the next 10 minutes he was never going to speak to me again. since he ought to be posting it on HIS blog, but which i guess has died, i shall comply.
here's the jizzt:

"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soliders to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another."

make love (hot, steamy, battlefield love), not war, indeed.

i think that this gay bomb actually was exploded on my street last weekend - there were elderly gay dudes walking up halsted with no shirts, there was an old dude in only a speedo sunning himself outside on caribou coffee's patio, and the lines for the clubs were long. all of the trannies finally came out, too - i bet it's hard to be a tranny in the winter.

click here for more awesomeness on the gay bomb.

and no, ecf, this doesn't mean that you can start making demands like this.

i think hairspray is gonna be a gay bomb, too.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

nosy questions deserve honest answers.

pos and i were walking up halsted after brunch, and we ran into this guy i work with, rw, on the sidewalk. rw is mid-40s, gay, snarky, and awesome. we were in the same quit-smoking class/support group and we bonded over how fucking bad it sucks to quit but also being proud of doing it. also, this woman in our group, a mid-40s divorcee who looks like she goes home and chugs wine every night on her couch, had an obvious crush on rw, and would say things like "i really wanted to call you last night to see how you were doing but i don't have your number." to which rw would nod and then turn away to talk to someone else.

rw was carrying a green plastic bag and i was like "are you out shopping? what did you get?"

never the bullshitter, rw replied "some porn, a ball stretcher and some lube."

i was like "really?"

and he said "hey, you asked."

we all laughed, chatted some more, and went on our merry ways.

Friday, June 08, 2007

a good diss is always a good time.

blogger is seriously fucking pissing me off right now. it keeps deleting large portions of sentences so that my posts make less sense than usual. PISSER.

finally, something mildly entertaining from mtv's increasingly irrelevant awards shows: a psa that states that friends don’t let friends imitate borat. but it’s nice! i was pleased to see ryan reynolds in the clip, as he’s totally hott and i like his movies, even though a lot of them are super juvenile. plus two people i know have told me that pos looks like him, which i hadn’t considered before. i mean, i think pos is adorable, and i guess they have the same eyes and facial hair and cheekbones and lips and . . . holy shit, my bf is hott! anyway, ryan is also a blogger at the huffington post. he's a good writer - good sense of humor and underlying outrage, and i like the last line. and have i mentioned that i find him to be physically attractive?

i went to webmd to find some innocent information and ended up clicking around the seedy underbelly of straightforward medical advice. these two comments caught my eye - awesome.

panthertac said...
please watch your spelling: every time any word is misspelled in print thousands of people assume that it's the correct way to spell that word.
Masturbation is spelled with a 'u', not an 'e'.

Anonymous said...
hey panthertac....if you felt it was necessary to correct someone's spelling instead of actually leaving a comment relating to the subject, you have bigger issues than achieving orgasm. You need to get a LIFE!!

anyway . . .

i quite enjoy watching this commercial. and this is another fine example of simple, effective advertising.

the wapo interviews the lovely feist. best song off her new album: her cover of nina simone's "sealion." also terribly fond of "i feel it all." the whole thing is great.

kurt vonnegut was fucking cool, man.

my brother has a blog that he never updates (but i keep linked because it would be sorta mean to take down - blood is thicker than the internet and all) and i would also like to point out that he has had his for more than a year longer than i have had mine. so he emailed me yesterday to tell me that the movie theater close to our offices was hosting the chicago oceans 13 premier after work yesterday and that clooney and damon were going to be there, and i replied that he better hurry down there to get some photos for his blog, which was a joke, as he hates celebritardation. he sent me the following email, which i thought was fucking hilarious, and actually a quite apt description of my blog, minus the last part about brad pitt:

yeah right. YOU can blog about it. it will fit in nicely after your unicorn pop up book book review... and the mp3 of the single from that gay swedish disco combo... and the rant against no blood for oil... and the link to the video of the little kid getting kicked in the face by a horse... and the compare contrast of why "The Dukes of Hazzard" TV show was unintentionally hilarious where as the comic film version is just not funny... followed by a 10 second grainy film clip from your cell phone's camera of you screaming "BBBRRAAAAADDDD!!!" and brad pitt SORT OF looking in your direction... then 8 seconds of your off-camera hysterics panting "ohh my God! oohhh my God!! Brad just smiled at me....."

hahaha. older brothers are supposed to be mean, and tb does a good job.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

remember how a year ago today it was 6/6/06 - like, all satanic and everything? yeah. anyway . . .


time online has a really cool slideshow about what the world eats and how much families spend on food. i love seeing what families across the world look like. coolest house: the namgay family from shingkhey village (where?). i also don't know where tingo is, but the ayme family's house (is that an underground pit?) makes me sad, though i like all of their fedoras and cute smiles. this really puts processed foods and lazy lifestyles on display - gross.

jc sent this link (which she declared "tragic") to calculate the nutritional value of your chipotle burrito. fuck, man. and i always get the vegetarian bowl (10 fucking grams of fat less than with a tortilla and STILL 25). this would be no good if you went on alli, the new fat-blocking pill that is actually over-the-counter and is being "launched" next week. it sounds like a good thing, the way that wow potato chips sounded like a good thing, until you read the fine print and discover that the fat that's blocked isn't digested, it just sits in your colon until you have loose and slimy shit or, if you eat more than 15 grams of fat in your meal, it leaks out in an oily discharge. sign me up, right?

when i first started this blog i was a lot more music-centric in its posts and links, and now i guess it's just stuff that i think is interesting, plus some personal stuff thrown in (but nothing too personal, i hope. now that i'm totally in lerve i don't want to be annoying). the thing is, there are so many great music blogs that i read on a daily basis that i don't feel like i want to even try to compete/be companions with them. i don't post mp3s for you to download, i don't review new albums at length, and i quite frankly can't keep up with every rad new indie band that comes along. so i think that i might start randomly talking about stuff that i am digging on lately and recommend that you go to the hype machine to see if you can find it if you're interested.
what i love right now:
keep the car running - arcade fire
lull - andrew bird
going to a town - rufus wainwright
every car you chase - snow patrol/police mash-up
blue bird - the rosebuds
don't give up - the noisettes

i keep debating if i want to get the new travis album (not reviewed very well, and i barely remember anything about their past two albums, other than maybe that they're sorta boring and wimpy, but oh, how i used to love them). i downloaded the clientele's new one and, despite some raves and liking their last one, i realized that i think that they are annoying.

yet another fine example as to why home schooling is a bad idea found here.
here is one of the saddest obits that you'll read all year. may you find the peace in death that so clearly evaded you in life, rose.

that creepy old dude who wants to get you laid (by your soulmate) hates the gays. read here.

i love "john bender's dad" references. he wasn't even in the movie, and he's a cultural icon. where's my turkey potpie, bitch?

stay out of the light, carolanne. actually, stay away from me, too. here is a youtubetacular collection of the creepiest kids in movies. i used to work with a creepy mid-30s woman named carolanne who may as well have been 11 and possessed.

i really enjoy watching this.

in case you're feeling literary, you should read this 1974 interview between william s burroughs and david bowie. while you're at it, read this new yorker profile of banksy. even if you're not interested in the article, go through the slideshow of his art (under "related links"). i demand this. the elephant DOES look sad, though, doesn't he? i'm not really an art scholar or anything, considering it is a lifelong dream to own the perfect paint-by-number collection, but i would like to hereby declare his west bank wall paradise piece as actually a really important work of art.

an office showdown found here. i am a huge fan of the original uk version and was prepared to hate the american version, but it has been consistently funny and well-written. so which one wins?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007