Friday, September 14, 2007

home improvement: not just a terrible tv show.

pos owns a very cute brick house on the southside of chicago, a block away from his parents and around the corner from his brother (he is an ideal irish catholic son). all of the houses in his neighborhood (garfield ridge) are 1950s tract houses, post-wwii american dreams, and pos' is a little brick raised ranch with three bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, a front room, and a basement. it has beautful wood floors and pos keeps it in great shape. other than the obvious difficulties of my move (longer commute, farther away from my friends, no gay bars and coffeeshops and overpriced bistros that i often need to be surrounded by in order to feel safe and happy), i am so excited to get to live with pos in his cute house. i already have grand plans for our typical wintery nights that involve very wholesome activities like cooking dinner together, shoveling the sidewalks, drinking tea, me working on a paint-by-number and watching netflix together - my very own 1950s american dream! who knew i was so goddamn domesticated?

to get ready for my move, pos and i painted his bedroom over labor day. i am not the first girlfriend to live with him, which is fine, since, before we started dating, i had decided that i was done with men my own age, that unattached boys under 30 are narcissistic whiny bitches, and that i would make a fabulous second wife. i didn't want a bitter divorced dude who resented women and their child support payments or, worse, a widower who will always mourn the perfect angel he lost and who you will never live up to, but someone who had already been in a long-term committed relationship and it didn't happen to work out and he learned from it and is better in the long run from it . . . which is exactly what pos is. even better, in retrospect, that he never did marry his girlfriend of years and years, they just lived together. i met her at a wedding this summer and she was very nice and even though i don't feel like an adult (just a 14-year-old who gets away with a lot), i love that we can all act like adults and that i can move into an adult house with my adult boyfriend and live an adult life. i just hope that he doesn't make me hide things like my bee gees lunchbox or welcome back kotter board game or shitty thrift store art, as they are currently central pieces of decor in my apartment.

so anyway, the ex asked him if she could paint and he said of course, so she chose blood-red for the front room (one accent wall) and lavendar for their bedroom, with one wall rag-washed a dark purple. this was, of course, hideous, but up it stayed for years, until i asked if i could paint, and he said PLEASE, and we went with a nice blue ("lakeshore") for the bedroom and a nice brown ("smokehouse") for the accent wall in the front room that we'll probably paint this weekend.

the most exciting thing, though, is that pos is redoing his bathroom. i had asked if he could please fix the broken tiles in the shower before i moved in (his home repairs had involved a sheet of plastic and some duct tape), and he agreed, and went one further and decided to update the whole room, which technically could use it but wasn't necessary. we went to menards last night and spent almost two hours loading up a huge cart with a new sink, faucets, mirror, cabinet, towel racks, all of the stuff that you need in a bathroom and never think about. we're getting a curved shower curtain rod like a hotel room (seriously, when did i become this domesticated? i am unfamiliar with this bizarre giddiness over home improvements and repairs) and we spent a lot of time debating the attributes of various shower heads. i was so surprised at how inexpensive everything was - did you know that you can buy a good, normal toilet for $100? i'm not one to know anything about such things, but that doesn't seem much to me, considering how useful a toilet is.

one thing that pissed me off, though, was that we were standing in the aisle at the store with a huge overloaded cart, and this lame dude in a menards vest and a creepy mustache walks up to us and asks pos if we're finding everything all right. he smiles and says yeah, thanks, and i start to say "actually, we still need to find a faucet for the tub . . . " but the guy just ignores me and is all like "are you redoing your bathroom?" and is totally kissing pos' ass, and doesn't even acknowledge me for the entire three minutes he stands there, wasting our time with small talk. what an asshole. i'm a woman, so i don't know anything about important manly shit like picking out a new toilet paper holder. fuck you, menards man. i get very senstitive about such things, and noticed that the only women working at menards are either cashiers or in the plant section. granted, it was 8:00 on a thursday night, but fuck off.

when db and i were little we would sing "save no money at retards" to the tune of the jingle "save big money at menards." even as a kid i knew they sucked.

photos: the bedroom before and after, plus some flowers i planted in pots for the front porch.

3 comments:

mykljak said...

Please tell me the kitchen has coppertone appliances. Or at least avocado.

SP said...

I can almost literally not believe you can purchase a toilet for only $100. The freaking 1 1/2' by 3' put-it-together-yourself bathroom cabinet I bought at Target for my new apartment was $70!

perhaps I got ripped off.

scissors happy said...

sorry to disappoint - his kitchen appliances are pretty normal. my parents had avocado appliances until the mid-80s, though, i do remember that.

i've spent the equivalent of FOUR toilets on a handbag . . . you could buy NINE toilets every month for the amount i pay in rent. from now on, i am going to measure all worth not by the dollar but by the toilet.