Thursday, January 31, 2008

"hey carrot juice, i wanna squeeze you every way until you bleed"

pos and i are taking a creative writing class at this great little place called story studio chicago (the owner is our teacher and she's really funny and a good instructor). we need diversions on these coldass winter nights. we end up going out to eat every tuesday before class at a place near the studio - we've done cuban and pub food, and this week we went to a thai place. they brought us little wrapped thong tham nai (that's what the package said anyway) that i am guessing are thai fortune cookies, though i eat thai all the time and this was the first place that gave us anything like this. my fortune was awesome: "everyone agrees you are the best." pos' was just weird: "laughter is the sun that drives winter of the face." um, yeah, okay.

i've seen the in bruges preview a few times, and while i'm not a big fan of colin farrell, i LOVELOVELOVE martin mcdonagh, who wrote and directed. first of all, he's gorgeous. more importantly, he is a fecking awesome playwright - i saw the lieutenant of inishmore in new york and the pillowman at the steppenwolf (excellent eighth date with pos). also, he won an oscar two years ago for his short film six shooter. am excited. it is sure to be funny and violent and rad. here is the new yorker article i read in 2006 - i had never heard of him before and i was supa bored while i was getting my feets done at the nail salon so i read the article and it convinced me that i needed to track down any and all of mr mcdonagh's works.

speaking of theater . . . harvey keitel stars in jerry springer: the musical in new york (title role, no singing). um. hmm. pos really loves the movie the bad lieutenant, and it was on IFC not too long ago, and i had to go upstairs after the part where he pulls over two teenagers and then jerks off while making one of them show him her ass and the other suggestively lick the air. too creepy, thanks.

it's football time, and football time means pigs in a blanket time. instructions: take a "little smoky" wiener doggie, wrap it in 1/3 of a pillsbury crescent roll pre-cut dough, and bake it til it's golden. dip in mustard, eat too many. which reminds me of one of my all-time favorite urban legends: the exploding dough can. watch these while you eat them: a collection of super bowl ads from the past.

i'm curious to see teeth - i have a feeling that it's going to be awesome and non-retarded, and lots of people will be squeamish and maybe some awesome cultural references to the vag will happen. also, random: roy lichtenstein's son directed? i would love to see roy's version of the movie poster if he were still alive - a big ole vaginer with spots. i like the trailer - "it's what's inside me!" of course, if i wait for netflix i can watch it while sitting on my new vagina couch (instant craigslist classic).

i would have totally wanted to go to camp electric youth when i was in the 4th grade - i fucking loved debbie gibson. i grew up and moved on; sadly, deborah did not. not unrelatated at all: my brother made sure to email me the deets on the new kids on the block reunion. i'm still embarrassed by all that. my first concert. my first obsession. my first experience with being a total fag hag.

it is winter, and in the winter i craft. some years i make pot holders and some i embroider tea towels. some years i do paint-by-numbers and some i make collages (arty ones, okay?). i have been doing a few easy and quick paint-by-numbers this winter while watching tv so that i can "warm myself up" and move onto the totally fucking rad birthday gift eb and sf gave me last year, which is a photo of them plus me and pos that was magically transformed into a pbn kit. i am so worried that i will fuck it up, and that we'll all come out looking like mongoloids. anyway, sb sent me this site, full of tampon craftiness, like the tampon toupee (so realistic!) and tampon easter bunny (so fuzzy!). what's awesome is that the feminist (genderific, actually, was the term we used) activist group that ag and i started in college, stingray, actually featured a tampon-crafting portion of our year-end party. to make a tampon stingray, you just pull it out of the applicator, spread it open, and draw eyes on it. not hard to do, but economical AND adorable.

playing the free rice vocab game is like taking the SATs, only this time you get to help feed the world's poor, not fuck yourself out of getting into a good school.

in case you didn't know, drugs are bad.

which leads us to the latest klassy kollections of tattoos on the smoking gun: bad tats on women. this one is pretty disturbing - i think i know what she was trying to do, but it just comes across as being a child-abuse statement or something (very "hands are not for hurting"). and what is this one supposed to be - an earthworm? it's not just the ladies - here is a collection of recently-arrested morons and the odd mugshots they take - what's with the red face art?

i am pleased to announce that i have finally found my blog's mascot. i don't know who you are, and i don't know just how mentally unbalanced you are, but you should be my new bff.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

bullshit i read somewhere else.

some would say that the worst thing about american idol is the shameless manufacturing of celebrity. true, true - but i would argue that its utter disregard for allowing the american public to mock the failures of the mentally unstable is worse. so, uh . . . go watch and cringe here.

jk sent me these really old and seriously creepy ads. awes-some.

mike huckabee was the keynote speaker at my work's convention this fall in san diego, and i was fully prepared to roll my eyes to my coworkers and mutter about what a douche he was while he spoke. instead, he came across as funny, warm and sane. he is on record for having really conservative and wrong views, but he is so good at making himself come across as a human who you might disagree with and not as a sociopath bible beater fuckface, as many of his republican colleagues appear to be, and which, quite frankly, he most likely is. interesting. michael stipe has similar, confused feelings.

back in the day, ooooohhhh, did i love me some stipe. i thought he was GORGEOUS. here he is with heath ledger at a marc jacobs show this fall - tears. i recall that he was also friends with river phoenix, and the heath/river comparisons are pretty spot-on. so if you're an oscar-nominated, young actor, maybe you shouldn't return michael's calls. oof. not funny. oh, and here he is, so very randomly, being dismissed from jury duty. how is that news?

anyway, i started talking about huckabee and ended up talking about heath. bound to happen i suppose. here is a really good non-partisan comparison of all the gentlemen (and a lady) running for president. some of them are still considering themselves candidates?

i already know who my brother (almost 34 and still really into star wars) would vote for. first school board, then president, and someday the emperor of the inter-galaxy council or whateverthefuck they tried to explain in episode two but i was asleep for.

and this is just sick. don't click if you're squeamish about body modification and/or moronic-ness. similarly, here is a page of science-inspired tattoos. um, cool.

2 girls 1 cup has a scholarly paper written about it. it got an F. i have not watched the video, because i don't hate myself, and i have heard enough about it so that it feels like i have seen it. btw, it has its own wikipedia page. that just seems wrong. thanks, jk, for keeping me updated on this important cultural juggernaut.

in the spirit of the dead pool, yet somehow more tasteless, here is a website that has visitors vote for when amy winehouse will die. if you're closest, you win an ipod! young people dying is not funny, but when you're a rich crack addict wasting all goodwill and talent, you don't have very many people to blame (other than your skeevy husband and your wigmaker).

i stole this off of death from below - a feed of the last 50 images uploaded to livejournal. it cautions that it may be very nsfw, as it is randomness at its finest. i'ma gonna bookmark this, methinks - it changes a lot and may be a new source of amazing clip art. also: people are really odd.

some dude (hey check out his name) from the wapo hates on the juno soundtrack - and you know what, i'm with him, for the most part.

i fucking hate cathy, perhaps even more than i hate the family circus (that's a tough call). even when i was a kid, the comic about the football-shaped lameass bitch with the stringy hair and some schlub boyfriend seemed pathetic to me. ag sent me this page (she has equally disgusted opinions). there are fans of that tripe? christ. this shit's depressing. someone give me some chocolate and a shoe sale, cuz i'm a woman, and that's what makes us happy!

oh, fuck today, and this post. just wanna go home. go here and look at parasites that want to be inside you.

it's hump day.

sometimes dead pool isn't all that fun(ny) - i feel genuinely bad about heath ledger. no one had him on their list, of course, because his death is too random and unexpected. here's a fun fact: the westboro baptists - also known as the "god hates fags" psychopaths - are planning on picketing his funeral (brokeback mountain, gayness, etc). expect hilarious signs about how he's now in hell. these are the same fuckfaces who protested matthew shepard's funeral, funerals of american soldiers who died in iraq (god is punishing america for how gay we are), funerals for trapped miners (shafts, i guess?). i can't wait for them all to die and to realize that god doesn't hate fags, he hates them.

good to see that no one is already trying to cash in on a young actor's sudden death . . . oops, too late. stay klassy, best buy. (thanks to jk for link).

on a lighter note . . .

don't you hate it when you and your partner are at a bar and talking to a tasty blonde who you're both really into, and they're married to a hott piece, and you want to ask them to swing, but not sure if they'd be down? just look to see if they're wearing a discrete, klassy swappwatch. they are! score! thanks, rm, for the link. which one did you get?

my friend ea found a way to submit a blog to make it read in lol-cats language. here is scissors happy - be sure to read how retarded the dead pool list becomes.

this is intense - a world clock that ticks away at the births, deaths, global warming, species extinction, abortions, hiv infections, cars produced, etc etc. why can't it be heartwarming and magical - like flowers bloomed and cotton candy eaten and crack rocks smoked by winehouse?

repulsive: ever wonder what a group of greedy bald eagles who dove into a truck full of fish guts looks like? here ya go. thanks rm.

ever since i read kitchen confidential during xmas break i have had a little crush on anthony bourdain. here is a rad excerpt from an onion av club interview:

AVC: Have you eaten anything particularly disgusting in the last few episodes you've shot for No Reservations
? Anything that's more disgusting than the still-beating heart of a cobra, say?

AB: Well, last season, the Namibian warthog experience was as bad as it's ever been.

AVC: Was that the anus that you ate?

AB: You know, pick a part. It was all equally full of sand and crap in every mouthful. And it just had this permeating odor of burning reflux.

AVC: You once said that the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten was a Chicken McNugget. Do you think the warthog asshole was worse than that?

AB: Given the choice between reliving the warthog experience and eating a McNugget, I'm surely eating the McNugget. But at least I knew what the warthog was. Whereas with the McNugget, I think that's still an open question. Scientists are still wondering.

you've probs already seen this, cuz i've been really slow at posting, but here is a livejournal thread that cd sent me of people posing with album covers, and a lot of them are really clever and funny.

another excellent onion feature: random rules with dave attell, where they flip through his ipod and ask him to explain. i loooove him. i went to one of his shows at the improv in dc in probably early 2001, and one of my friends knew the waitstaff, so we always got to sit in the front row and get free drinks. he was doing some bit that required audience participation, so he asked me a question and he loved my response so much he kept talking to me through his set and after the show. had i not been shy and sort of morally normal, i probably could have ended up having a really interesting night. ah well - youth is wasted on the young.

i was pretty excited to get if i should fall from grace: the shane macgowan story from netflix, but when it arrived it was broken in three peices (just like shane's teefs!). i'm actually surprised this doesn't happen more often - those little red envelopes aren't terribly sturdy. we watched it over the weekend when it was for reals like -5 degrees out, and it wasn't very good. i DID get tickets to see the pogues when they come to town in march, though. it's a pretty early show (doors at 6:30) on a wednesday night. and i am going to get more drunk than i have been in a long time. that is a promise.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


"there really are no accidents" say these canadian PSAs about workplace safety, complete with blood, explosions, impaling, burns, etc - and they're right. and gruesome. canadian PSAs rule - i still really like the domestic violence one, because it's in-yo-face and fucked up, and actually makes a strong statement.

i'm reading unmarketable: brandalism, copyfighting, mocketing and the erosion of integrity (it's got footnotes, so i feel like i'm in college again) and i was led to this collection of riot grrrl articles from the early 90s in mainstream press like seventeen and newsweek - they're a bit unintentionally hilarious and so very dated. i was going through a box from my parents' basement when i was home over the holidays and i found a little note mailed from erin smith from bratmobile that thanked me for the stamps for her zine but she still needed two bucks, and she told me that they would be playing in madison that spring and that i should check them out. i had totally forgotten about this piece of paper, and i think it is so rad that i have the perfect little memento to such a time period. i was just a girl in a rural midwestern town waiting to grow up so that she could movethefuckaway, and without music and zines i would have totally fucking hated my life (instead of "mostly"). i have intense nostalgia for the american culture of the early 90s these days.

i found this article on "shopdropping" and saved the link because i thought it would make an amusing addition to the blog, and, interestingly enough, i just read in unmarketable about the author (she's chicago-based) getting busted for shopdropping cards at the american girls store, where she is now permanently banned. i wish they would ban me - pos makes me go buy his niece a gift certificate every xmas and i don't wanna get their creepy catalog anymore.

yes, the dead pool is macabre, and maybe a little bit mean-spirited, but sometimes candidates beat their addictions, illnesses and craziness - here's an article about natasha lyonne, who i had on my 2006 dead pool list (she was strung out for a few years there, hitting the tabloids for threatening to rape her neighbor's dog). she seems to be fine. for now. brah ha ha ha ha.

enjoy it while it lasts: even the douchiest jerkoff republican pundits are feeling the love for obama. as for his loss in new hampshire, all i have to say is that i lived there for a year and those people are not good representatives of the american public at large.

in case you were wondering what natalie merchant has been up to . . . yeah, me neither. this is mostly an article on bands and artists who were critical darlings and had sizable fan bases but now find themselves without recording contracts.

the record industry is in shambles, article 2: david byrne sets you straight on what the future of the industry will look like.

and, here's the third: this article describes how the riaa is now saying that copying a cd that you purchased to your computer and, say, listening to it as am mp3 or downloading it to your ipod, is stealing. i will be thrilled when those bastards get a fucking clue and completely collapse in on themselves.

and, finally: this situation basically sounds like a stanley kubrick adaptation of a robert cormier book made in 1972 - sadistic teenagers lashing out at one another in a totalitarian institution. (dude, i am the cheese fucking blew my mind when i read it in the 7th grade).

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

everyone dies eventually.

the 2008 dead pool is up and running - check it out here. interesting lists this year - my favorite is js' choice of mr mcfeely from mr rogers.

here is my list - a good combo of the sick/insane/cracked out/condemned and the old.

  1. Bhumibol Adulyadej (King of Thailand)
  2. Nouri al-Maliki
  3. Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti
  4. Ayman al-Zawahiri
  5. Bea Arthur
  6. Lauren Bacall
  7. Chuck Berry
  8. Osama bin Laden
  9. Ernest Borgnine
  10. Fidel Castro
  11. Carol Channing
  12. Walter Cronkite
  13. Olivia de Havilland
  14. Phyllis Diller
  15. Pete Doherty
  16. Kirk Douglas
  17. Farrah Fawcett
  18. Blake Fielder-Civil
  19. Joan Fontaine
  20. Betty Ford
  21. John Forsythe
  22. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  23. Estelle Getty
  24. John Glenn
  25. Billy Graham
  26. Andy Griffith
  27. Jesse Helms
  28. Lena Horne
  29. Deborah Kerr
  30. Jack Klugman
  31. Jack LaLanne
  32. Doris Lessing
  33. Jerry Lewis
  34. Nelson Mandela
  35. Jayne Meadows
  36. Ricardo Montalban
  37. Maureen O'Hara
  38. Les Paul
  39. Nancy Reagan
  40. Oral Roberts
  41. Andy Rooney
  42. Mickey Rooney
  43. Jane Russell
  44. JD Salinger
  45. Ravi Shankar
  46. Britney Spears
  47. Gloria Stuart
  48. Studs Turkel
  49. Abe Vigoda
  50. Amy Winehouse

i really dig kirk's shoes and socks combo in that photo.

feel free to leave the names of those that i forgot/should consider for next year in the comments section. i feel like i could certainly branch out more in the areas of elderly world leaders, shady rappers, hunted terrorists, accidental ODs and cancer.

Friday, January 04, 2008

dearly departed

congrats to my friend bc for winning the 2007 dead pool! he's horribly pop-culture-obsessed AND he had anna nicole on his list, so he beat me (i was second place) by 68 points. i only had a total of 50 points last year, so i am proud of my improvements. here's to a very bloody 2008!

pos has a new blog for the 2008 dead pool - check after the 7th for the lists and then be sure to read it through the year for all of the notable deaths and for my cute boyfriend's witticisms.

to those on my list who died last year:

some of you died too young (Tammy Faye Bakker, cancer, age 65) and some of you should never have been born (Awad Hamed al-Bandar, hanged at age 62 with his asshole friend Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti, age 56). i LOVE the books of one of you (Kurt Vonnegut, Jr, age 84) and always meant to get around to reading another (Norman Mailer, also 84). the remaining two were married to presidents - Lady Bird Johnson, a ripe old 94, and a 90-year-old ex-Mrs Reagan, Jane Wyman.

special shout-out to Brooke Astor, who finally got bored with this shit at the age of 105. i will always have a warm spot buried deep into the cockles of my tar-black heart for her, simply because she didn't die in 2006 and thus make me earn negative dead pool points. my research has improved and i'll post the 2008 list once everyone has submitted their lists.