Thursday, February 28, 2008

pos is my han solo.


well, i'm obviously giddily retardedly happy about being engaged to the man i love - thank you for all of your nice comments and wishes for us. i don't want to plan the wedding - i just want to be engaged for a little bit before i have to stress out about chicken entrees and flowers and how i'm going to do my hair and all of the picky little details that some women might relish but what i run away from. all i know is that i want richard ashcroft to play during the ceremony (like, him, not my ipod playing richard ashcroft) and i want a unicorn to whisk us away at the end of the night. our friends can tie beer cans with string to his tail and write "just married" in shaving cream on its back if they want.

when i called people to tell them the news, ecf was like "huh, i thought you were alr
eady engaged" (thanks for paying attention, friend) and was like "hahah, i'm looking at the new york times online and there's an article about wearing slutty wedding dresses!" thanks for the link, and thank you oh so much for surfing the cyberweb when i call you to tell you about the thus-far-happiest-moment of my life. TFA!!!!

here is some randomness for ya:

two food photo blogs - this one is a comparative analysis of fast food sandwiches, with photos from the ad and what it looks like in reality. super funny and gross. the other is from ab, a collection of reader-submitted photos and reviews of meals they get on airplanes. so simple and so weirdly fascinating. even uzbekistan airways serves food, which is more than I can say for america’s shitty bankrupt airlines. i wonder if japanese airlines offer pepsi ice cucumber.

those canadians really like their graphic and disturbing PSAs on workplace safety.
here’s a new one, compliments of jk. americans don’t get all riled up about workplace safety as our friendly northern neighbors, but we love to freak out about meth – jk sent me the gross PSA here and awesome meth mouth warning here.

here’s a PSA of sorts. i love this so much. and i don't know why.

had i known that the bible was filled with such awesomeness, i might have actually read it during my weekly CCD class. thanks for being a steward of my faith, ab.

you want to know what's funny? dorky kids and their ridiculous science fair exhibits. rad rad rads. thanks for the link, rm.

having a hard time deciding if you really are stupid enough to be a republican or pussy enough to be a democrat? take this quiz.

ralph nader is gonna run again, blah blah blah. dude, you're kinda an asshole. i was in dc a few years ago, walking around on a gorgeous april day, like 78 degrees, and i saw a guy with a sour look on his face and wearing what appeared to be an overcoat purchased in 1978, and sure enough, it was him. i think that maybe he should get a girlfriend or become a big brother or something, and leave the rest of us alone.

is life is saudi arabia seriously this boring?

here's one of the best craigslist for-sale ads that i've seen.

vagina purses! but are they made of vagisoft fabric?

random and entertaining: quakers!

pos sent me this collection of
star wars figures that look nothing like the character but more like actual people. speaking of which, cracked had this great list of the 10 biggest wastes of talent and number one is the star wars christmas special, which aired in 1978 and is legendary for how fucking stupid it is. someone cut it down into 5 minutes (embedded on the cracked page) and i think it's worth a watch, just to cringe at bea arthur singing along with the cantina band and to see chewbacca's family staring lovingly at harrison ford, whose too good for that shit. oooooooh did i love me some han solo when i was little.

job sent me that congratulatory ecard this week, and various people sent me birthday ecards - surprisingly, all of them were from someecards. well, not surprisingly - they're fucking funny.


Sunday, February 24, 2008

i said yes.


pos asked me to marry him saturday night.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

"sometimes i doubt your committment to sparkle motion"

i started a new blog, blacklisted. it's a collection of rants and complaints about things that seriously bother; so far, they have fallen into the categories of "television," "politics" and "celebutards." please participate - you can email a rant about what you blacklist to blogblacklisted@gmail.com. photos are also welcome. this is in no way meant to replace scissors happy, which i am quite fond of.

i was so freaked out when i heard about the fire at the station nightclub - not that i would ever go see great white, but i have spent many a night in a shitty bar watching a not-that-great band, and being burned alive will never be on my list of things to try. it's five years later and the survivors are still pretty fucked.

everyone agrees, larry craig: you is gay, AND a liar. even your friends think so.

thank you, last 50 photos posted on livejournal! i get the best shit off of there. just click on an interesting photo and let it lead you to the weirdness that is livejournal, and the shit that people post. i found the entire collection of the baby do's and dont's that way - they apparently come from a book, which i guess no one needs to buy, since it's all online.

i used to read national geographic's children's magazine when i was little, world. they were always talking about koko the sign language gorilla. is this the same bitch, the painter gorilla named koko? she's talented. i kinda want one. i once saw an art show of paintings done by cats, too. i liked the little smeary paw prints. addendum: i just went looking for koko info, and read about her nipple fetish in wikipedia, and the several sexual harassment lawsuits that her handlers have filed. i don't want to know anything more about her. it's over.

pos sent me these awesome photos of receipts that oh-so-hilariously swear at you: one from home depot and one from some british restaurant.

rm sent me this awesome obit from the nyt. why don't i ever know about rad old people until after they die? i sooo want my obit to refer to me as a "trickster" - and in the headline, no less.

a bunch of my friends keep forwarding a new discovery, stuffwhitepeoplelike. it's funny because it's true. the writer's workshop one makes me laugh and laugh and then cry as i read yet another really poorly-written short story for my tuesday night writer's workshop. i love that class - i am white, after all.

i quite enjoyed watching this . . . project . . . of 207 people entering grand central and then freezing for five minutes, and then continuing on like nothing happened. remember the "flash mob" craze, or what the media thought was going to be a craze? i like it when they're filmed and edited down to a nice short.

tb randomly sent me this clip from donnie darko, as well as the sparkle motion dance routine, and it reminded me what a great movie that is. and the bat for lashes video is genius, too.

pos and i are headed out on a much-needed long weekend. it's my birthday tuesday! your present to me can be to contribute to blacklisted. it's my new favorite hobby. i will post some of my own rants soon.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

blacklisted.

i'm taking what would tyler durden do? off as a link. it's one thing to write trash about celebutards and annoying famous people, but shit like this post about obama's grandma isn't funny, it's disrespectful and wrong. don't read the comments section of that page if you have eaten anything today.

we're going to see a lot of crazy hateful shit this year, cuz either a woman or a black person is going to be the democratic nominee, and there are a lot of truly fucked up people out there who hate women, minorities and themselves. add the anonymity of saying whatever you want on the internet, and we're in for a disgusting ride.

do not want.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

"baby, i love you, but: are you retarded?"


the "baby, i love you, but: are you retarded?" quote was sent to me today by my adorable boyfriend, pos, who kept insisting that led zeppelin are playing bonaroo, which was incorrectly reported yesterday, even after i sent him this correction and the bonaroo website and the explanation that LEZ ZEP is playing, not LED. lez zeppelin is a lesbian led zep cover band. it's awesome that he kept insisting that i was wrong and that i am the retard. he did retract his statement (eventually).

that's okay, though - i deserve it, as i yelled "you are a MORON" at him last week - he was driving erratically in the alley and almost hit a light pole (i had already told him to slow down and to please stop his excellent project of driving fast in reverse and then forward again to flatten all of the snow banks in the alley near our garage door).

stuff from the cyberwebs:

enjoy how dumb you are with this map of the world and very few seconds to identify the country you're supposed to click on. togo, anyone?

i hadn't had the pleasure of visiting awfulplasticsurgery.com in a while, but i'm glad i did, because that shit never fails to amuse. check out the leathery old granny in a bikini that was posted on jan 29 (barf) and the totally bizarre ass implants posted on jan 30.

ha ha: alice in chains used to look like poison, tori amos was totally a smelly pirate hooker, and dr dre was kinda effeminate. here are six musicians whose lame first attempts at fame are funny and awkward. you should totally click around the site its from, cracked.com - they have some mighty amusing lists and articles.

i like to read/waste time, and i like the truly random; ergo, i dig the rules of thumb website - where people give unsolicited advice and impart knowledge like "It will be a bad winter if squirrels build their nests low in the trees" and "When you're playing blackjack, assume that any unseen card is an 8."

being mean to courtney love will never get old.

i have these big beautiful dreams of starting a really unique and awesome participation blog that people really enjoy and it attracts thousands of visitors a week and people can share and upload stuff - like postsecret without being creepy. these guys have the right idea: the fail blog (link stolen from goldenfiddle), which is photos of failure and is supa funny, and a good-concept blog where readers submit photos of them jumping in art museums.

my (very sweaty) mayor wants to make chicago world-class and fancy and shit. good luck, bubs.

robin morgan, who is a rad old feminist and who was awesome when i went to one of her readings in 2000, wrote on the total bullshit directed at hills for being a lady, and she's right. i'm not the biggest clinton fan, but if she's the democratic nominee, then she's my girl. still pulling for obama, though. in case you haven't seen it, here is the will.i.am "yes we can" song that he made with his famous friends - i just think that transposing the song over obama's speech is cool. yes, i am aware that this man is also responsible for the black eyed peas, so i can't say that he is not evil, but i like his work here.

i am so obsessed with the 50 latest photos posted to live journal page. it makes me feel like i don't know anything about the rest of the world, and also that we are all the same. lots of russian and japanese people use lj, apparently. and stupid morons like the stoner girls who post photos of themselves getting high. not a good idea, ladies. i guess i'm just lucky that the internet didn't exist when i was that age - i just wrote embarrassing and ridiculous shit in my journal and the retardo zines my friends and i made that had a circulation of like 25. just like this blog!

anyway, i also score the best clip art and photos off of the last 50 lj photos page, like the weird baby do's and dont's in the past few posts and this post's trainspotting poster. i actually have that poster - it is laminated and i had to tear it in half to smuggle it out of the only decent bar in kenosha when i was in college. i have hung it in every apartment and house i have lived in, the last poster i allow myself to keep as decoration - it is currently on the inside door of our pantry. i'll open the door to find something to cook for dinner and end up thinking in a scottish accent.

these photos are so fucking cute i could cry.

cleva: erykah badu's new video has her reenacting iconic record art. she makes a killer grace jones. erykah is rad. we have the same birfday! different year, though.