Thursday, February 24, 2011

vote for panda

when i married pos, he came with a few things neatly built in: a house. a car. an insurance agent whom he and other members of his family had used for years. so adult! i was a bus-riding renter who had filled out an online form to cover my apartment's contents in case carol, the elderly hoarder next door, fell asleep (or died) and a candle she had forgotten about burned all of her newspapers saved since the mid-80s and gutted our building.

i didn't realize that "i have an insurance agent" could mean "i will now receive totally ridiculous and insanely unprofessional emails from this person."

the first email was to announce her sister's dog's participation in some online beauty contest or some shit like that (i didn't really read very closely). i saw "hello to my family and friends" and assumed that she accidentally CC'd me. i mean, seriously, i've never met her; all i know is that she did FUCK ALL for us when our basement flooded with sewer water this summer after the city's infrastructure basically crumbled after a flash flood. that was an increadibly pleasant experience and i certainly don't resent my ruined basement, lost youth (goodbye to my CD collection and years' worth of writings, mementos, and irreplaceable items), or the fact that i was five months pregnant and surrounded by city of chicago fecal matter and gallons and gallons of bleach. interesting that FEMA came to our door, looked at the damage and wrote us a check; THANKS SO MUCH, INSURANCE LADY, FOR YOUR ZERO ASSISTANCE. i mean, what's insurance for, anyway, if not for us to pay hundreds of dollars a year and then be turned away when we actually need help, due to fine-print exemptions?

Hello to My Family & Friends:

We have entered Panda, my sister Rosalie's long coat Chihuahua, into the BISSELL'S MVP Photo Contest. Because of Panda's unique coloring/markings, we felt he had a good chance to win. With your help, if Panda wins, we would love to donate the first prize money, $10,000, to the Hinsdale Humane Society. Additionally, Panda would be featured on the Bissell Pet Vac advertisement.

Panda is Charles brother. Charles is my Long Coat Chihuahua that is a volunteer at the Hinsdale Humane Society. He is on the Pet a Pet program where he visits the assisted living facilities bringing joy to many of the elderly residents.
See their picture together attached.
If I have sent this email, please know I consider you family or a close friend. It is not often I do something like this, however, it is for a good cause. The Hinsdale Humane Society would benefit greatly to be the recipient of this prize.

So,
PLEASE VOTE DAILY for PANDA. Just in case you forget, I will send you a reminder each day to Vote till the contest ends. If you wish not to participate, please reply to this email and write UNSUBSCRIBE ME in the Subject line.

i guess i could have unsubscribed, but i hadn't read that far. i obviously was not voting daily for panda.

the second email arrived the next day and said:

Reminder, please vote for today if you have not voted yet.
Thank you.

i deleted it, annoyed. the third arrived five days later. it was in giant, bold letters:

Last Day to VOTE for Panda., in this session Lets come in strong to get him into the finals.
Grand Prize will be donated to the Hinsdale Humane Society. Thank you to all my wonderful family and friends for voting.

the only reason i am sharing this is the fourth email, which just did it for me with its ridiculousness. there are so many unintentionally hilarious things about this email. also, how does she know that i didn't vote? and i kind of doubt that it's "ok too."

she's pissed about BLIND CATS. so fucking awesome.

Sorry to say, Panda did not place.

Sessions 1, 2, 3, and now 4 Blind Cats have won...Panda is not only the wrong species, he's not blind. Therefore, I choose not to enter him into the remaining sessions 5-12.

Blind Cats have a much bigger following than a cute little Chihuahua named Panda could have. However, I want to thank all my loyal friends and family who took the time every day to vote, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Each and everyone of you know I would drop everything to help you, so your taking the time to help me for a good cause speaks volumes to me. I know who you are, and I really love you for being so wonderful....and those who didn't vote, I know who you are, and that is ok too.

Monday, January 31, 2011

concerted effort: j

i last posted on october 26 - a little over three months ago. my entire life has changed in those three months, and for the better. babyfriend arrived on november 19. she's a girl (! - despite my firm belief all throughout my pregnancy that she was a he, despite the ongoing morning sickness, the acne, how i carried high, my constant craving of sweets, and all of the other old-wives-tale signs that it was a girl) - a beautiful, funny, strong, smiley, sweet, and chill baby girl we named naomi siobhan. i have been off work, sequestered in the house (in the dead of winter - not that i mind at all), feeding and changing and holding and playing with this little person who i have absolutely no idea what i did to deserve. so, yeah, i've been a bit preoccupied.

bands:
j. tillman to justin vernon

worst band name:
jimmy eat world. i like them, despite their terrible name

number of songs by the j artists:
at start: 766
at end: 684

dates:

7/21/10 - 9/2/10 (that seems forever ago!)

highlights/surprises:
band with the most tracks before deleting anything: jeff buckley (91) and johnny cash (83)

deleted:

well, you know, lots of random crap that i hadn't even heard of before and decided was entirely inessential in my life. also, a bunch of random jeff buckley live tracks. you know, i adore him. he was beautiful, his voice was beautiful, i have beautiful memories of listening to his beautiful album grace during beautiful times in my life. his death was tragic. it is also tragic to release every inch of tape that happens to have his voice on it. diminishes the beauty.

james blunt. it was a goal of mine when this project started was to listen to back to bedlam, decide if it is any good, and, if it isn't, which i knew it isn't, delete. so i did listen. and it is bad. he has a creepy little china doll face when he sings with his bizarre voice. i first heard "you're beautiful" at a record store in galway, ireland, and thought that it was a woman singing. i can't imagine any additional releases of his selling at all. we shall see.

lessons learned/randoms:

i don't know a lot about the jam - or even when i discovered them - but i have had their greatest hits cd for at least ten years and good god do i love "beat surrender" and "town called malice."

i actually really love jamie o'neal's "all by myself" - i happened to have gotten it from cd's valentines day mix in 2003, which he entitled "i was drunk and it was dark and you were there."

"canned heat" by jamiroqui - shit yes. napolean dy-no-mite besides, that song is rad.

jane's addiction's nothings shocking and ritual de lo habitual are amazing. perry's onstage banter during lolla in 2009 was so lame that it made me sad, and i have disappointment towards that bullshit married to rock "reality" show he and his missus participated in.

rabbit fur coat by jenny lewis and the watson twins is outstanding. i didn't like acid tongue quite as much, and jenny and johnny is okay but not all that memorable.

i don't know how i obtained it, but there's a song called "love ain't just a four letter word" by jenny wilson that's totally bizarre and awesome. ditto "intelligentactile 101" by jesca hoop.

"head on" by the jesus and mary chain is perfect.

i didn't really know who joan armatrading was when a friend asked me to go see her at wolf trap outside of dc in 2000 and i just fell in love with her voice. "down to zero" and "love and affection" are two of my all-time favorites.

"take me home, country roads" by john denver was a karaoke favorite when we went to west virginny to go tubing/skiing/drinking in 2003.

johnny cash is much loved in my house. pos' dad was a huge fan, so he grew up listening to and admiring his social justice power-to-the-working-man no-bullshit music. johnny and i have the same birthday (um, different year). ecf and i were talking about what to name the babyfriend, and he let me know that there is a syracuse football player named Prince-Tyson Gulley - most likely because his parents loved prince and mike tyson. therefore we decided to name my child cash-coyne: for johnny, for wayne, and because it is ghetto fabulous.

i love joni mitchell. love.

"angel of the morning" and "queen of hearts" were my favorites when i was little - like six or seven. juice newton (i loved her name) played the rock county 4H fair one summer and i was pissed - like, PISSED - that no adults wanted to take me. just a kid and already totally suffering from FOMO (that would be "fear of missing out").

who is this just jack character? when i hear that, it reminds me of the will and grace minstrel show character jack. i think the just jack band/guy is a brit and awesome.

there. proud of self. will get to the Ks in due time - i'm not done with them yet despite starting them in september but i've been, you know, busy. i was listening to the killers while i was in labor - and i'm not even all that big of a fan. just dedicated to the cause, friends.